j and j

lots of information and probably too much detail. you've been warned.

2012-01-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

woah! haven't blogged in a few weeks here--it's amazing how time flies and you don't even realize it. we've been pretty busy over in our neck of the woods. things changing, children growing, crazy weather, making happy memories. the list goes on. goldie turned two on january 8 and she is blossoming into that wonderful, stereotypical 2-year old, except better i think (but i'm bias). she's talking all of the time, laughing a lot, expressing her emotions (with a fair share of drama), and playing with her sister. goldie is constantly learning new things and it is so. fun. to. watch. i love it. i know i will miss when my babies were small, but it is also pretty rewarding to watch them learn and grow and become their own little people. so fun.

the other day, goldie and i were in the car on the way to the doctor's office. we parked in the parking lot just as a mini cooper drove by. goldie said, "(gasp) mama! (points at the cooper) little car!!" ha! it made me laugh out loud. she is very observant.

annie is almost 1. where did that year go? she is on the move, let me tell you. busy busy and always wanting to pow around with the big kids. she's kind of over baby food and has started to eat big people stuff. her favorites are: scrambled eggs, string cheese, cheerios, avocado, and little pieces of chicken or ground turkey. basically anything she can pick up with her mini thumb and pointer finger. that girl kills me. she also shrieks happily daily about 10 octaves higher than i or goldie have ever been able to scream. her first top tooth has barely broken through, but it's there. the other one will follow suite shortly, i'm sure. annie = happiness.

last saturday night, goldie started throwing up around 11:00 pm. it was everywhere in her bed, and all in her hair... it was a mess, poor thing. we scooped her up, gave her a bath, new jammies, washed her blankies and bedding, etc. she was as pale as could be and continued to throw up about 7 times in the hours to come. i felt so bad for her because she was so confused what was going on. she could feel herself about to get sick and she'd just look at me and say, "no no no no!" talk about heart breaking. anyway, it was a long night. however, in between her episodes of throwing up, she put on a good show with a little smile here and there. we put CARS on for her... which you all know is her all-time favorite. she loves that mater. goldie is such a trooper when it comes to that stuff. she always has been. she woke up the next day feeling just fine, minus having an appetite. the past three days she has taken a 3-hour nap each day. i just remember during one of her episodes, i prayed so hard that heavenly father would give her sickness to me so that she wouldn't have to deal with it. have i ever told you that heavenly father always answers my prayers?

around 9 pm last night, i started feeling a little queasy. sure enough, i started throwing up. when i get sick like that, my entire body convulses violently and i sweat the instant i start getting sick. i'm not a pretty puker. i throw up so hard that i pee my pants EVERY time. it's just awful. so that went on until about 1 am, when annie started throwing up...

all i remember is shaking violently in my bed and hearing my baby through the monitor. i hit jake hard, yelling "annie is puking! annie is sick! wake up!" like a good husband and dad, he shot out of bed and ran to get her. i hobbled behind him, trying not to puke myself. just like goldie, she was covered in throw up and so was her bedding and blankies and everything else. all she wanted was me, which was hard because i was feeling like crap. sure enough, i take her and hold her close and her little sweet head brushed my nose... the part of her little sweet head that was covered in throw up. that was enough to set me off, so with annie on my lap, i grabbed a bowl and sat on a towel. i'll let your imaginations run wild. it was madness. peeing, puking, and holding a small child. that's talent, people. good old jake took care of everything though, as he always does. love that man.

just like her sister, in between episodes of sickness, she was smiling and cuddling and just wonderful as ever. what a little champion.

we survived the night. we're alive. annie is feeling better and i'm on the mend. unfortunately just a few hours ago, jake started to feel the creeping sickness. he joked about it at first, but i have a feeling it might get the best of him tonight. i hope it doesn't.

ahhh, the simple life we live. kids, puke, poop, pee, errands, doctors appointments, cooking, cleaning, loads and loads of laundry. while it all seems crazy at times, i wouldn't have it any other way.

in other news, i dyed my hair red.

ta-ta!

let's be honest, it probably won't be red for long, but i've always wanted to try it. time to live a little!

call me mother.

2012-01-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

i had a clarifying moment the other day. i've been having a lot of those lately...

it had been a busy day. my girls both have colds, but luckily they are in pretty good spirits anyway. we had been running errands, cleaning, doing laundry, laughing, coloring, playing.... the usual. i like to call the hours of 4-7 pm the "witching hours." you just never know how they're going to go. i usually hit a wall around 4:30, feeling tired and unproductive. my energy just kind of depletes, and it annoys me. then 5 pm comes rolling in and that means dinner, followed by the next hour and a half of feeding, cleaning, bathing, reading, kissing, praying, and bed time. it's a lot. but it goes well on most days.

after this busy day, i was finishing a load of laundry. nothing makes me happier than warm, lavender smelling clean clothes fresh from the dryer. normally i loath the folding process, but i've learned that if i stay in the laundry room and fold right there instead of dragging a gigantic pile to the living room, it goes faster and i do it right away instead of letting it sit in the laundry basket for 3 days (i've been known to do this). i felt tired, but for some reason during this ritual that i do weekly, i felt a lot of peace and happiness. i felt happy that i was folding laundry for my family. i felt gratified that this was a task that i was in charge of for the people that i love. then i started to think about the busy day, and i again felt very happy knowing that my girls were happy all day long. for the first time in a long time, i felt very satisfied with the label as "mother."

i read a lot of blogs.. or i used to anyway. not much time for that these days and sometimes it just makes me feel bad in general reading other peoples' blogs and wondering why my life isn't so much like theirs. it's bad to be that way, and i don't always feel that way, but lately i've just been over it. i've been over my own blog too, if you haven't noticed. not in the mood to write, can't formulate my words the way that i want to, haven't taken many photos, etc. the holidays were good but they were crazy, making me feel more stressed than usual. however, the one thing that keeps me stable, i'm realizing, are these two babies of mine. goldie and annie keep me going, literally, because if i stop, they stop, and well i just can't let that happen.

one of my goals for 2012 (yes dad, i still am planning on emailing you my list as i have almost every year for 27 years) is to really enjoy being a mother and a wife. like, really dig my heels into my main role, you know what i mean? i really have always loved being a mom, but seriously i used to get a little dramatic about the whole thing. i still sometimes do. but i'll have these moments where i'm about to lose it and lately i've been able to just stop, take a deep breath, realize it's not that big of a deal, and move on. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. i counted today and it helped. it is hard having these two close together and i often find myself carrying them both around the house, simply because they both/need attention. but isn't it so worth it? watching them laugh together? watching them share? watching goldie help change annie's diaper and hold her bottle for her? watching goldie laugh hysterically as annie crawls after her? these moments blot out the hard ones very quickly.

sometimes you just have to let go of all the things that make you so tight inside. sometimes you really have to stop wishing for other things and love what you already have.

hope you had a wonderful holiday season. here's to 2012. it's going to be a great year.

2011-12-31T17:53:00.001-07:00

happy new year my friends.

thanksgiving 2011.

2011-12-30T12:20:00.000-07:00

wanted to get this up before it's been too long. we had such a fun thanksgiving with my family. i love when we all get together and just relax, hang out, eat good food. nothing better, in my opinion. goldie had a lot of fun with her cousins, especially abby. those two were at each other this past summer, but they fell in love over break. look at them in those dresses. two little princesses. katie and i were loving it. anyway, i'm very thankful for family. very, very thankful. then bibby and papa came to visit us in san francisco, it was so fun. my girls love their bibby and papa, as you can see.

look alikes

2011-12-30T10:31:00.000-07:00

just found these photos of my girls when they were about the same age (fresh from heaven) and i can't believe how similar they look. sometimes time goes so fast that you don't realize that your newborns are gone. goldie is now running around asking for a drink or a hot dog and pointing out every christmas light she sees. annie is crawling and climbing stairs. the girls are growing up... it's exciting but sort of sad at the same time. bittersweet.

times are changin' for this family. they are good changes and i feel content and happy. but that makes for busyness which means less posts. i have been slacking on this blog for real lately. i have a lot to catch up on, but with the holiday season in full effect, traveling, etc., it has taken a back seat. anyway, i'll be back kicking and screaming before you know it. until then, enjoy a few photos of sleeping babes, warm in their mama's arms.

happy new year.

2011-12-24T23:22:00.002-07:00

wishing you all a very, merry holiday season.

2011-12-20T00:19:00.000-07:00

i have taken a break from blogging... obviously. this time of year is just too crazy! i procrastinate all of my responsibilities until the very last minute every year. it's annoying. i just finished addressing my christmas cards and i leave tomorrow morning on an 8:30 flight to see family. talk about last second.

i do love this time of year though. we've been going on little family adventures almost every weekend (local ones, of course) and christmas music has floated through my house daily. the girls have been on and off sick, but for the most part they have been fun as usual. every night i thank heavenly father over and over for giving me those girls.

speaking of girls. goldie has learned a new trick: scaling the side of her crib, throwing her legs over the side, balancing on her mattress, and landing on two feet. first, though, because she's super smart, she throws all of her blankets and her pillow just in case she misses. she's always thinking.

each time it happens, i don't say anything. i just pick her up and take her right back in, make her give me a kiss and lay her down. she doesn't fight me because she knows she's supposed to be in there. two minutes later i hear her doorknob again. we go through the process and she keeps whispering "hi mama" and gives me kisses before putting her down again... she's trying to sweeten me up so that i'll let her hang out for awhile longer. little sneak. i heard a third thump and went to meet her before she opened her door. i found her coloring with her colored pencils in the dark. doesn't that make you laugh? it makes me laugh just typing it. goldie kills me.

oh anyway, hope you are all having a very merry holiday. i might update in the next week or so, but i think i'm just going to take a little break and enjoy my family. the love is strong though.

happy holidays, my friends.

nine months old

2011-12-05T16:06:00.001-07:00

i don't know how it happened, but annie is nine months old already. she started crawling about 4 days ago, and she's off into a new realm of happiness. she follows us everywhere, and now when she wants a toy, she just goes and gets it. she's also drinking happily from a bottle and is sleeping better because of it. only two teeth. loves to laugh and clap her hands. her favorite baby food is probably sweet peas and she loves to pick things up and put them in her mouth. annie is our little snuggle bug and we can't get enough of her. she gives the best loves. never shys away from her blankie, her thumb, and a shoulder. annie still thinks goldie is the most fun of all, even though goldie takes toys and is still learning how to share. she is a squirmy little thing and now that she knows how to move, she rarely wants to be held anymore. kind of sad, but i'm so happy for her! can you just imagine it? feeling so frustrated because all you can do is sit there and rock back and forth. and then one day, you magically put one hand forward, opposite knee goes with it, and BOOM. you're moving! you can do it all by yourself! i'm sure it's a pretty rewarding moment in a little baby's life.

snuggling with her boyfriend.

annie will smile at anyone, but she's still a little shy. our favorite is when she does her crooked smile where she takes her bottom jaw and moves it to the right, biting into her gums and smiling very big. it's the cutest thing. nine months old... time is flying and before i know it she'll be walking. we love our annie so much, for real. she makes everything better.

happy nine months kicking bird.

woah, it's december.

2011-12-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

i'm kind of in shock that it's december already. where has the time gone? all of a sudden it was thanksgiving and now we're almost to christmas it seems... wow. we had such a great thanksgiving with my family, i miss them already. we went to utah and stayed with my sisters and my parents who came in from georgia and we had so much fun. meeting up with all of my aunts, cousins, and grandparents for thanksgiving was kind of a big deal for me considering i never see those people anymore. i really am thankful for my family. they mean so much to me, and i am thankful for how they love my children... it's pretty awesome to see my littlest baby with my grandma. generations apart. kind of cool.

with the good comes the bad, though. goldie was sick about the week before we left for utah, and then annie got sick while we were there with a double ear infection. that poor baby was miserable, and still kind of is. goldie was complaining about her ears today, too... might have a double dosage of amoxicillin in this house pretty soon here. yours truly also contracted a 24-hour bug... violently throwing up all night long while tending to a sick child is not my idea of fun. luckily i have the best sister ever and she helped me with annie while i shivered and tried not to throw up. it wouldn't be a thanksgiving without someone getting sick though, so really we were just making sure to stay true to tradition. you're welcome.

these are my instagrams from the past week and a half. goldie and her cousin abby sort of fell in love with each other. this past summer was NOT a good experience with those two-- katie and i were kind of sad that they weren't getting along. but this break was very different and it was fun to watch them chase each other and giggle together in their princess dresses. i love little girls.

we're back in california and it feels good to be home. my parents are visiting for a few days and i love that they are here. anyway, hope you had a great thanksgiving and that you're enjoying the first day of december! pretty soon goldie will be 16 and driving my car, and annie will be 15 in the passenger seat.

quick thoughts.

2011-11-21T01:16:00.002-07:00

just found this old photo from when goldie was born. it was in our first home, the home we lived in for 3 years and brought both of our babies home to. i remember that day so particularly for some reason. i remember the weather... it was cold. goldie is a january baby. but the sun was out, as it usually is during a utah winter. she was so sleepy this day. so cuddly. i loved her so much.

remember when my hair was super long? i miss it today. did i mention that i cut my own bangs the other night? yeahhhh... awesome. good idea, jenna. freak.

i also found this old picture tonight and it made me laugh. goldie's scrunch face.

and this one made me smile:

oh anyway. i'm going to sleep now. i just can't stand listening to goldie cough in the other room. it breaks my heart. both of my girls are a little under the weather, like i mentioned earlier. just in time for thanksgiving; wouldn't be a holiday unless someone was sick. sweet babies. goodnight moon.

i'm thankful for my mantle.

2011-11-20T16:04:00.001-07:00

i've always dreamed of having my own mantle. although this technically isn't mine since we're renting, it still is mine sort of. and that is good enough!

i've seen all kinds of great mantle decor ideas on pinterest, but i really wanted to use what i already had, not to mention i didn't want to spend money on it. so, the girls and i went on a walk the other afternoon and i collected sticks as i went. surprisingly, there weren't that many. i also found 2 large pine cones. i bought the puff balls at michael's in the thanksgiving colors and simply sewed them together with a needle and thread. easiest thing i've ever done. a little tape (tacky, i know), and we've got a pretty little mantle.

goldie's art work is my favorite part. i bought that frame at a thrift store for $4 and spray painted it gold. the plate is also a thrift purchase. the yellow napkin holder is a gift from my mom... but we're using it to hold a plate instead of napkins, obviously (just for the time being).

the last photos are of goldie, obviously. her hair is amazingly poofy today. she has a low-grade fever (same with my annie girl), and neither are taking very good naps. we stayed home from church and are spending the day in our jammies trying to get well. it's been raining all day, but the sun is out now and hopefully things will dry up a bit so that we can go on a walk or something.

anyway, i'm just excited about my imperfect mantle. the pictures aren't hung perfectly, and you can see some tape. oh well. i'm thankful for it.

happy sunday.

i'm thankful for creativity and imagination.

2011-11-20T00:32:00.000-07:00

we decided to get artsy fartsy the other day, and seriously it was so fun. i was shocked that goldie didn't put the paint in her mouth considering her favorite treat seems to be sidewalk chalk these days. i've been kind of lazy lately and we've been watching a lot of cars, since that's goldie's favorite movie and all she wants to do is talk about cars and airplanes and things that go "vroom vroom," "choo choo," and "beep beep." finally i got sick of the background noise and banned tv for an entire day. it was literating... for real. goldie loves to color, and now i'm pretty sure she loves to paint. she was very cooperative for the foot print art. she laughed her head off while i painted her feet, which i totally expected. oh it was fun. we're going to do this once a week.

that turkey is now framed on my mantle in a thrift store frame spray painted gold. kinda fun.

the weather has been pretty great-- it's full fledged fall here finally. i've been waiting very patiently for it. the sun shines and there is a slight breeze. we put on our jackets and go on walks and play at the park. i love those moments of our day. everyone is so happy to be outside, including me.

annie's first bow.

2011-11-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

a first bow on a very small lock of hair. oh annie, i love you.

i woke up in kind of a fog this morning. i was feeling unmotivated, and almost sad for no reason at all. slight depression? what the heck? it wasn't fun.

but i got up anyway, kissed my kids and made some breakfast that goldie wasn't very interested in. oh well, banana and yogurt was good enough for her i guess (she normally eats a full breakfast of eggs and chicken sausage. weird, eh?) i was feeling depressed about going to the gym because the perfect time for me to go is also the perfect time for every other mother and their child to go. 10 kid limit, my kids count as 4 kids (because annie is so small)... i didn't have high hopes. i decided not to go. then i said out loud, "jenna, will you suck it up and just get over it, whatever IT is?" i put my gym clothes on and called the gym to see how many kids were in daycare. 3. perfect. sat on the bench, said a prayer to help me get out of whatever funk i woke up in. got to the gym and got about a 1/3 through my workout when i hear my name over the loud speaker. dangit. poor little anita wasn't having it today. so i scooped them up and we went home. better than nothing i guess. but parking was free today for some reason and THAT was something to smile about. yes, i pay to park at my gym. awesome isn't it?

i decided to spend as much time as possible outside today since it's a beautiful day. it would be good for the babes and good for me. annie fell asleep on the way home and took a 3 hour nap in her car seat. goldie and i played outside in the sun, had some lunch, danced to christmas music, attempted to get christmas decor down but realized it was way too high up. she went down for a nap and i actually showered (early christmas miracle). had some pumpkin pie (i can't stop) and did some research on pinterest for christmas craft ideas. the tv hasn't been on once today. i'm kind of proud of that.

so now both girls are up and we're off to michael's and to the thrift store to get a few things. i have a mantle now (i love a good fireplace), so i'm especially excited about stockings this year instead of literally hammering them into the side of my old antique bookcase. i miss that thing. we're not going to get a tree this year. i know. so not like me. but the past 4 years jake has disappeared into the mountains each year and chopped me down a real charlie brown tree. every year, never fails. well... california is a little different and i'm not even going to guess how much a tree is here. SO, we're opting out. but that doesn't mean that i can't still make it feel like a christmas miracle in this home!

and yes, the pies were made on a random weeknight to practice for thanksgiving. i'm not a pie maker. or a baker really for that matter. but my friend came over and showed me the way and now i think i might be addicted. rut-roh.

parts of me are still feeling a little foggy but i've felt the subtly push from above that i needed. have i mentioned that i really believe in prayer? i've also made a decision to make the best of this day, even though i want to just go to sleep and never wake up. and you know what? it has been a pretty great day.

off to craft. who am i?

i'm thankful for...

2011-11-16T01:27:00.001-07:00

thanksgiving! pie. family. unbottoning pants. sweatpants. sweaters. hot chocolate. herbal tea. marshmellows. sweet potatoes. new recipes. cooking. turkey bowl. cold weather. hot showers. a good nap. foggy afternoons. the smell of turkey. dark meat of the turkey. gravy. sunflowers. the sound of family chatter. frost on windows. snow. sunshine. rain... a nice breeze.

i am thankful for thanksgiving.

(just made these pies tonight and might have had one piece of each before bed)

a week in photos via instagram

2011-11-12T22:18:00.001-07:00

today, and everyday, i am thankful for my health. i'm thankful for my girls' health. i'm thankful for jake's health.

2011-11-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

found this old photo of jake today. i see so much goldie in him, it's crazy.

thankful.

2011-11-11T21:06:00.001-07:00

i am thankful for music. in my mind, it goes hand in hand with my love for reading. i can't tell you what certain songs do to me... take me back to happy places, sad places.... make me cry from happiness or from simply being so moved that i hardly know what to do with myself. music takes me to another place entirely sometimes, and for that, my friends, i am thankful.

love, love music. so do my kids and my husband...

just a few of my all-time favorites.

my current favorite. makes me cry every time... makes me want to let go and dance like a crazy person. flo is also amazing in this video because she seriously lets herself go (she's pretty stiff when she performs, which is awesome it its own way). ugh anyway. listen to it loud my friends. listen. to. it. loud.

random.

2011-11-10T01:04:00.001-07:00

photo via

i'm sitting here when i should be in bed. i'm not even quite sure what i want to write about, but i feel like i should write my thoughts...

i just read my friend ani's blog... i check it often, wondering how she is doing and how she's coping with the loss of her daughter. tonight's post was particularly hard for me to read. i feel so deeply her sorrow, her loss, and her feelings of wanting to hide in a dark room and never leave. what i would do if i could just take it all away from her so that she could be free of it. that's not how this life works though, is it. that's not the plan, never has been, never will be. but sometimes the knowledge that i have doesn't always make the feelings of loss any easier. you know?

i have so much to be thankful for. i live a different life these days than i used to. i have been striving really hard to change things about myself that repulse me. i have made it a very prayerful effort, openly and happily admitting that i can do hard things, but i cannot do them alone. with the help of a loving father in heaven, i think i'm making some progress. the word "repulse" is kind of intense. i don't want you to let your imagination run wild and think that i'm a crazy person. no. i simply have a hard time sometimes with patience, and with keeping my voice down in moments where every tense bone in my body explodes. does that ever happen to you or am i the only one?

mothers have secrets, you know what i'm saying? i think we carry around a lot of things in our hearts that aren't really ever spoken about. we carry around weaknessess and moments where we've yelled at our tiny little people when we really didn't mean it. no one talks about it because it's shameful and you feel awful about it. sometimes i lose my patience when goldie hits annie after i've asked her 6 times not to. i will raise my voice, and she'll look at me with those eyes that make my heart break into a million pieces. "why are you yelling at me mom? i don't like when you yell." i mean she doesn't say that, but i know she's thinking it. those moments slowly, very slowly, are happening less and less. this is a huge answer to many thousands of prayers. prayers said throughout the day. prayers said in the shower, while making breakfast, when both girls are crying. "heavenly father, please, i beg from the bottom of my heart. please, please help me. i can feel myself growing tense. i can feel it surfacing. please help me to harness those feelings and just let it go. please." and sure enough, he takes the reigns and i'm learning what it means to let go of negative feelings.

i wish i had words to explain how much i love goldie and annie. i am excited to wake up to them every day. i do not take my time with them for granted. nothing makes me happier than seeing annie's little head pop up above the rim of her crib when i walk in to get her. she's perched up with her little arms, smiling like she just won a million dollars. instead, she just gets me. but she's pretty happy about that, it seems. then we walk together into goldie's room, where she has taken her night night's (her blankies) and hung them over the side of her crib. she exclaims excitedly, "mama! annie! hiiiiiiiii!" my heart could burst from happiness. i scoop her up, both of my girls nestled warm in my tired arms, and we start our day together. our days always start and end with laughter.

i had heard stories of people losing their sweet babies, and they always touched me deeply. when it happened to one of my friends, one of my very dear friends, words can't express how it made me feel. because of those stories, and because of ruby, i cherish my children more. i hold annie tighter when she wakes up to eat every once in awhile in the middle of the night. i don't rush to put her back in her crib so that i can get back into bed. i rock her slowly, with her little face nuzzled in my neck. i smell her and rub her back, snuggle her blankie around her. i take that very quiet moment at 4 am and remember ani's story. i remember ani writing about how she held ruby one day for 3 hours while she slept, and that it was the most beautiful 3 hours. so, i hold my own annie a little longer...

sometimes i have a hard time remembering that time on this earth is really pretty short. i've been trying hard to forget about being busy and instead spend more time actually playing with my children. i put my phone away and instead take my girls on a walk. i rush to get ready so that we can all have more time together. not every day is like this, but most days are. i have my weak moments, but i'm going to pat myself on the back and say a very public thank you to the man upstairs for literally changing me. slowly, but it's happening. i can feel it.

i will not be defined by my weaknesses. period.

my bishop gave a talk in church last week and it literally brought me to tears. it's like he was talking just for me. his theme was not being defined by what people label you as, or even as what you label yourself as. i always say that i'm not a patient person. well, of course not because that's all i tell myself every single day. "you're not a very patient person. you never have been, but hopefully you will be." who says? why do i say that? god knows my potential, and i need to start seeing that and believing that. if we could only see ourselves how heavenly father see us... we could move mountains. think about how you look at your children, or if you don't have children, how you look at your husband/sister/mother/father.. someone that you love so much you could burst. i believe in my girls so much. i watch goldie say her letters and i swear i want to call everyone i know and tell them of her accomplishment. i watch annie scoot and roll across the room and you'd think we won the lottery over here. we only say positive things to them. "you are so smart, goldie!" "you're soooo pretty anita." "my pretty girls. my good girls." heavenly father thinks of us in the exact same light. why can't we think of ourselves that way? this is one of the many things that i am working on. we are worth something.. all of us. we're worth making a fuss over.

motherhood has taught me a lot of things, but the most important thing i've learned through this journey is that nothing is more important than unconditional love. all you need is love. i think the beatles were onto something. but i have been trying so hard to envelope myself and my children in a huge abundance of love. i want it to be thick in the air. i want you to literally feel love when you walk into my home. and it all starts with me, with overcoming my weaknesses and with making sure that i'm creating an environment that allows for that overflow of love and happiness. i feel very confident when i say that my girls are happy, happy girls. they live a happy life. their life is filled with love, laughter, and lots of kisses and hugs. the moments where i lose it happen. don't get me wrong. i am not perfect nor will i ever be. but you know what? i do the very best that i can and if i have a moment where i feel like i just can't do it anymore, i look at those little faces and i say a quick prayer and i start again. it was 2 minutes of my entire day. move on. be done with it. start again.

i feel like the ability to love comes very naturally to me. i really want everyone i know to be happy and to feel love from me, especially my family members. i know that sometimes i come across as a little stressed, but i've been working on that too. it's kind of amazing just letting things go. very liberating.

now that you all know a few of the things that i'm trying to improve in my personal life, are you wondering why i'm even talking about all of this? i really don't have an answer. i felt inspired to sit down and type, so this is what i'm doing. the more "thoughtful" posts on this blog often happen in that way. i think about things and just write. whenever i thought about motherhood before goldie and annie came along, i always thought about my friend ani because i thought she was such a good mom to her daughter kate. this was before ruby came along. for some reason i remember her posting a picture a year ago or so with kate sitting at a little table having a snack of apples and ants on a log (celery, peanut butter and raisins). i was so impressed by this thoughtful little snack. she was such a good example to me then, and now that she's gone through the hell that she has, i can't describe the respect i feel for her. i have had great examples of mothers through my entire life, and i still do. many of my best friends have children now, my sister, jake's sisters... my own mom and jake's mom... the list goes on. we all just learn from each other somehow, through the happy times and the unhappy times. it's a strange, beautiful thing. one that i'm very thankful for.

so while we walk around smiling at one another, just know that some of us hold things deep in our hearts and walk with silent grief. some of us may have just miscarried, but we hadn't even told anyone we were pregnant yet... therefore we deal with it alone. some of us may have just gotten into a blow-out fight with our spouse, but we don't talk about it with anyone because no one else fights with their husbands, right? some of us may have cussed out the stranger who cut us off on the freeway, and it ruined our day... but we're not talking about it. perhaps we're struggling to pay the bills, but we don't talk about it. maybe our faith is wavering, but we're afraid to talk about it. maybe we feel alone, so desperately alone, but we still put our smile on and pretend it's all okay.

you never, ever know what someone is going through. and most likely the ones who don't treat us so well are going through the worst.

weakness or not, we just to do our best. that's all i ever know to do. i do my best, i make it a very prayerful effort, i harness my weakness and try to make them strengths, and i move on with my days. i love my children, i kiss my husband when he walks through the door. i pay my bills, clean my house, cook some dinner, and bath my children. there are days when i feel too tired to move, but i just have to push on anyway because people need me. and i am thankful that i am needed.

i don't know how to end all of these thoughts. i could probably just keep on writing, but instead i'm going to go to sleep. goodnight my friends.

thankful, day... whatever.

2011-11-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

today i am thankful for books. well, i'm always thankful for books. but my favorite thing in the world (i'm surprised if you already don't know this) is to read a good book. nothing soothes me more than cuddling up in a blanket and jumping into another life... i could read for hours and hours on end. i literally used to read about 3 books a week. then children hit (i love them so much!), and things changed and that's okay. i go at a slower pace these days with it, but seriously. love books. doesn't matter what kind... just give it to me and i'll read it.

that's why a tree grows in brooklyn is one of my favorites. i love that francie nolan.

she's my kind of girl.

and i'm thankful that i can read... thankful for my education. thankful for my mind.

thankful day 2.

2011-11-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

while the post below is me being thankful for my chickens, this post is somewhat related... on a little different level though.

today i am thankful for people who understand me. i feel like there is great mutual understanding in the blog world, no matter what your age/race/situation/religion/gender. it's like, we all kind of get what we are all going through at times. either someone has been there, done that, felt that, is going through it right this minute... the understanding and validation can be a serious saving grace.

i'm thankful that i've had the experiences in my life that i've had (even the trials, yes) because i'm able to better understand those around me. the feeling of acceptance is very real, and one that i often appreciate. there have been many times where i have done one of these things: word vomited on this blog, called a friend in desperation, called my sisters in desperation, called my mother in desperation, called my husband in desperation, called my dad in desperation, got on my knees in desperation.

life is not easy. sometimes it is, but a lot of the times it isn't.

so i am thankful for unconditional love, understanding, relating, and all that jazz. does that even make sense?

i stole this from my friends blog because it makes me laugh so hard. look at the mom! it's so true sometimes. her face just kills me.

nov. 5

2011-11-05T23:18:00.002-06:00

yes. my house is a mess as i sit on my computer.

sometimes i feel so tired that i want to just lay down and sleep forever. those times, though, are usually pushed aside by me feeling hysterically happy laying on the floor laughing with my daughters. i do not take them for granted. ever.

november, as we all know, is known as the month of giving thanks. i have a lot that i'm thankful for... like, a lot. sometimes i don't realize all of the blessings that i have, and when i find myself complaining about this or that, i stop and remember. i remember what i've been given. and then i shut my mouth.

i'm 5 days late on posting everyday about something that i'm thankful for. it's cliche, i mean i know a lot of people do this on their blogs. but it's a good thing and personally i think we should all do it on our blogs! brings us down a few levels... helps us remember what's important. what matters. what's real, and what's beautiful.

the things i am thankful for will not be in any particular order. just so you know.

today i am thankful for goldie and annie and jake. well, i'm thankful for them everyday, but you know what i mean. my daughters keep me real. they keep me grounded. they help me understand more about who i am and who i can become in order to be the best mother for them that i can. they are so sweet, funny, cute, kissable... i mean i could go on and on. goldie climbs me like a tree every day, trying to give me a hug or a kiss and it means the world to me. annie snuggles me like i'm the only thing she's got (even though that's not true), but man when she looks at me, i feel very important and very special. jake is my best friend. it's true. i talk to him about everything... everything. i can be stupid around him, i can be funny or not-so-funny and he laughs with me anyway. he knows me better than anyone, which makes me love him even more because he still wants to be with me after all that he knows. i've got a lot of weaknesses, but he doesn't focus on that all the time, and for that i am grateful.

i love these people fiercely.

blub blub and cluck cluck cluck.

2011-10-30T21:11:00.000-06:00

i feel like i've been busier than ever with these girls lately, and i can't even figure out why. maybe all the hype for halloween? who knows. we've been having lots of fun though, eating lots of candy, and just living up the good weather that we've been having.

are you dying over these costumes? because i am. the first time i put that chicken custom on annie, i almost couldn't breath because i've never loved a chicken so much in my life. and the glitterfish? seems so perfect for little goldenstein. she actually loved wearing it, and of course we had fun putting some blush and lip gloss on her. she pranced around like she owned the place... and then she ripped the hat off and wouldn't wear it anymore. we had a church halloween party, hence the dressing up before halloween, and i knew i should take photos right then because let's be honest, it's not going to happen tomorrow night. annie will be in the bjorn and goldie will be running around like a psycho and i only have two arms. i've never gotten into halloween, but it is so much more fun with kids, right?

potty training update: didn't happen. we gave it a valiant three-day effort. goldie was the champion of all champions, but in the end she really wasn't getting it and that's totally okay. it was more of an experiment than anything. i was out of her diapers, she was showing interest, so why not give it a try? i know she is young, but you never know. i would never force anything on my children, especially peeing and pooping in some random white plastic thing. maybe next time! but for now, we're happy in our diapers. i gave her all of her prizes for being a good sport, which of course made the three-day craziness worth it. can't wait to see our water bill. yikes.

oh anyway, i have lots of things i'd love to write about but there's not time right now. i've got iron chef to watch and a living room to clean up. hope you have a wonderful halloween.

love those legs.

running free, as a glitterfish should.

will you get that camera OUTTA MY FACE ALREADY???

instagram

2011-10-24T20:56:00.000-06:00

a few from the last few days. love my girls.

training.

2011-10-22T20:41:00.000-06:00

tomorrow marks our first day of potty training. i'm doing that 3-day method that everyone talks about... we'll see how it goes. goldie is pretty good about telling me when she poops, and she always pretends to use the potty. the girl who wrote the 3-day potty training says you can start at 22 months... and that's where we are. so here we go. i'm so sick of changing her diaper, seriously. that girl puts up a fight like none other-- she hates it. i'd hate it too, if i were her, considering she poops like 5 times a day. that should make for an interesting 3 days, right? i've got some prizes lined up (including smarties, dum dums, bracelets, necklaces, and the ultimate prize of a pink truck), around 30 pairs of underwear, bum wipes, bed liner, popsicles... i think we're good to go. i used to feel really intimidated by all of this, but now i'm kind of more like, i can do this. we can do this. right lou? i got out the underwear today to wash, so i thought i'd let goldie look through it while i explained to her what it was and what we'd be doing. apparently she got confused because she used the words "hat" and "purse" a lot instead of "potty" and "big girl." ha. oh man, say a prayer. we might need it.

double bows and pirate booty crumbs.

2011-10-22T13:49:00.000-06:00

goldie wanted to color...she loves to color. so i brought her table into the living room and let her do whatever she needed to do to express herself. she has colored on her table before and it kind of bugged me, only because i'm slightly OCD sometimes. but i've realized that it really doesn't matter. it is her table, after all. if she wants to color on it, she should be allowed to color on it. she was very focused and very serious. in fact, she is still coloring after taking photos, uploading them, and typing this post.

an appropriate lazy saturday activity, wouldn't you say?

nbokknjbvczzshhyioklob pm. - from goldie.

the usual daily state of my living room. this is actually clean, believe it or not.

hope you're having a great saturday.

i spy goldie-pie

2011-10-17T14:04:00.000-06:00

sometimes i like to spy on goldie... the first photo was taken with my phone through the window. i was definitely hiding behind the couch cushions with my arm slightly raised above the couch so that she wouldn't notice i was taking a picture. she's so independent. just playing with her kitchen, cooking some food. no big deal.

in other notes, turns out that if i want to do crossfit, i have to have someone nanny my children while i'm gone. that comes to around $400 a month total (slightly less). it's not crossfit that i can't afford, it's the nanny. unreal. so, sadly i've given up going to a crossfit gym for the time being and have begrudgingly joined 24 hour fitness. i'll be doing my own crossfit workouts there, which is simply not as fun as doing it with other crossfitters, but i'm determined to make it work. 24 has daycare...much much cheaper daycare. so, this will have to do.

today was the first day i took the girls to the kids' club-- i felt like baby huey out in the big world without a clue to what the process was. had to run back to my car to get my ID. only one parent in the room to check in/out at a time. bring a blankie for annie, or something familiar. duh... goldie is totally fine. she sees cars and balls and is like, "see ya mom. take your time." annie on the other hand cried the minute i put her down. she doesn't do this at home, but in an unfamiliar setting, yes, most definitely. i'm learning that annie is a little bit shy and uncomfortable around unfamiliar situations. goldie is not. i was hoping that annie would feel better since her big sister was there, but i don't think that really mattered. the daycare lady is an wonderful indian woman named shama. she looks about 60 but she's 73 and loves children. she is there every single day for the morning shift, which is awesome because that means that my kids will see the same face every day. i didn't end up working out today, just sat in there so my kids could acclimate and feel okay. it will probably take a week for annie to adjust...and i'll just have to go earlier so that we don't get too close to annie's first nap.

there is so much to think about. so many details. sometimes being a mom is hard.

jake and i watched "taken" the other night (gives me serious anxiety). during the movie, i asked him this question: how do you know when to let your kids go? how do you to to just trust them and trust the process of life, blah blah blah. he said he didn't know, but that eventually you really just have to put it in the lord's hands. what else can you do? i'm not looking forward to the day when i have that moment of "letting go." it's going to be hard. even today at 24, there were only 2 other kids in there. one of them was a little girl named morgan, and she didn't seem one bit interested in playing with goldie. goldie, on the other hand, went right up to her and squatted down next to her to see what morgan was doing. goldie said a quiet, "hi." it kind of melted my heart. then i heard morgan say, "go away. i don't like you." she kind of pushed goldie away, and goldie was really confused. my initial reaction was to get up and tell morgan what's up. but then i realized that this was a small moment where i had to just let go and see how goldie was going to handle it. that goldie, bless her heart, got back up and squatted right next to morgan and offered her a ball. again, morgan told her to get away and that she didn't like her. so goldie stood up and went to play somewhere else. it made me sad. she just wanted a friend. eventually they played and everything was fine. but still, i really had to push back my mama-bear instinct and just let things happen. baby steps. baby steps.

anyway, i should be doing 1,000 other things besides blogging, but i wanted to remember that moment with goldie and morgan. i just get so protective of my family. you know?

have a great day. we're going to costco later so i know we will. ha!

mowing the lawn with her purses. one from me and one from bibby.

man i love annie.

the city by the bay.

2011-10-17T00:39:00.000-06:00

christmas card 2011. we can't get a normal shot.

kind of love this photo.

our new city by the bay. so pretty.

linus.

you should have seen her running in the wind. classic.

watching the surfers.

i can basically guarantee that goldie is saying her ABCs while pointing to these letters. i'm serious. if she sees words anywhere, she starts pointing and saying random letters. love this girl.

grandpa! come back! we miss you!

this is what annie did the whole time. little angel.

then goldie decided to have a public love affair with her "nie nie" (she has 3).

then she proceeded to do this.

last week was pretty fun. jake had a few days off so grandpa max came into town and we partied. ate a lot of mexican, played at the park, ate a lot of desserts and ice cream, gave lots of kisses and hugs, went into the city, and i even got to sleep in one day until 11. what? when is the last time that happened? honestly i didn't think my body was capable of doing that anymore.

i was wrong. very wrong. thank goodness.

i'm kind of starting to fall in love with san francisco. we don't live right in the city (i'm not a city girl...um, and it's very expensive), but we live pretty close where we can drive right in and drive right out. the culture, the people watching (UNREAL), the view, the weather... i love all of it. i really do. walking the golden gate bridge was fun-- we didn't do the whole thing, but the view was unreal. we also had the perfect sunny day, which always helps. it's weird to think that i live here now. like, this is not a summer where we're selling alarm systems for 4 months and then we'll go back to our house in utah. no. that house is occupied by new renters (finally), and we live here now. this is our home. jake and i keep saying how we really can't wrap our minds around that, but it's true. we'll be here for a good while. goldie will go to preschool here and start dance classes here. annie will go to nursery in this ward (did i mention i love our ward?) every day i'm here though, i like it more and more. will we be here forever? no. it's too expensive...seriously. i can't justify it. i won't even tell you what i paid to get my hair done last month. let's just say i didn't tip because i literally could not bring myself to pay one more dollar. i always tip. bobbi is pretty amazing though (yes, that's bobbi with an I. he is fabulously flamboyantly gay and kind of worth every penny). oh anyway. besides the cost of living, i feel very satisfied and happy with this new little life of ours.

anyway. that's my story for tonight. you really should make that soup below. i finished it off tonight because i simply couldn't help myself. i followed it with a drumstick ice cream cone (courtesy grandpa max). yikes. have a good night!

pumpkin coconut soup

2011-10-16T15:51:00.000-06:00

i found this recipe last week for pumpkin coconut soup, which obviously sounds delicious. i have an unlimited supply of coconut milk (i make curry probably once a week), and some random pumpkin, so i figured i might as well.

whenever i make recipes, i always try to add something of my own... a little twist or two so that i can call it "mine" in a sense. The original recipe would have been good, but it was a little too watery for me and i felt like it was missing something (butternut squash, and a few other things, i found out). SO, here is my version. without patting myself on the back too hard, this is one of the most delicious soups i've ever eaten. will be making it again. and again. and again. not to mention it's filling and hearty and totally fall appropriate. and paleo, might i add.

pumpkin coconut soup

ingredients

5 tbsp. olive oil

1 medium sized yellow onion

3 cloves minced garlic

1 inch grated fresh ginger (seriously, it's worth buying it fresh)

1 tsp. ground cumin

1 tbsp. chicken base or 2 bouillon cubes

3 cups chicken broth

1 can cooked chicken (or you can use 2 chicken breasts... but canned chicken is easier and i think tastes better in this recipe)

1/2 butternut squash, peeled and cut into cubes

1 15 oz. can pumpkin puree

1 14 oz. can coconut milk

2 tsp. salt (more to taste if you'd like)

1-2 tsp. pepper

1/4 bunch fresh cilantro

directions

1. preheat oven to 425 degrees.

2. chop the onion into small, even pieces and grate the ginger with a fine grater. in a large stock pot, add 2 tbsp. olive oil over medium heat. once the oil has heated, add the chopped onion, ginger, and minced garlic to the oil and stir. cook for about 5-7 minutes until the onion is mostly cooked through (it will be translucent).

3. while that's cooking, peel your butternut squash and take 1/2 of it and cut into about 1/2 inch cubes. in a small glass pyrex dish, add the cubed squash and pour 3 tbsp. olive oil over top. add a sprinkle of salt and pepper. mix together so that all the cubes are coated in the olive oil. make sure the pieces of squash are in one layer (no overlapping) so that they can cook evenly. bake in your oven for 25 minutes.

4. By this point, your onions, ginger, and garlic should be ready. add 1 tsp. ground cumin and stir, allowing the cumin to get all toasty and fragrant, about 1-2 minutes.

5. add pumpkin puree, coconut milk, chicken base, chicken stock, and drained canned chicken (or chicken breast). if you're using chicken breast, cook over medium heat in a skillet with a few tablespoons of olive oil. cut into small pieces. add to the soup once cooked through) stir together and mix completely. up the heat JUST A TAD so that you can bring the soup to a simmer. add 2 tsp. salt and 1 tsp. pepper (again, you can add more after this if you'd like. depends on your taste buds. mine ask for salt). allow to simmer for 25 minutes so that everything heats through and the chicken becomes very tender.

6. when you squash is done, remove from the glass dish, making sure to drain away any access oil, and add to the soup. allow to simmer and cook for about 10 more minutes.

7. take a bunch of cilantro and rinse it, shaking it well afterwards in the sink. remove the leaves from the stem and give it a rough chop. when the soup is finished, dish into a bowl and add the cilantro leaves. a squeeze of lime wouldn't hurt.

ennnjjoooyyy. seriously, i'm making it again this week because i can't get enough of it. jake's only complaint was that there wasn't enough chicken, but he's a manly man and likes his protein. i thought there was plenty.

happy sunday.

2011-10-15T22:37:00.000-06:00

i sure love that annie. that's my blankie... by the way... from when i was little.

despite my children being sick, they are in pretty good moods. little troopers.

goodnight.

a day at the pumpkin farm.

2011-10-12T21:07:00.000-06:00

why so serious, goldie?

2011-10-11T00:38:00.000-06:00

goldie woke up from her nap yesterday feeling pretty serious. she wouldn't smile at me, and she wouldn't look at me. it was making me laugh. that's what happens when you only sleep for an hour and a half, louie.

captain morgan, anyone?

but then she realized that she could turn the bowl that was holding her pirate's booty into a hat, and the crazy horse came back. spinning, as usual.

love her.

annie: 7 months old

2011-10-10T01:40:00.000-06:00

hi my sweet annie girl. you are 7 months old already and i cannot believe you are mine. i am so lucky to have you, do you know? i have dreamt about you many times, annie, before you even got here. you were always so happy, so smiley and giggly in my dreams. your hair was fuzzy just like it is today. when i finally got to hold you for the first time, i knew you were that same baby that i have been literally dreaming about since high school. your face was the same, your hair was the same. now that you are bigger and trying to do big girl things, i know without a doubt that you are that same little cotton ball baby that appeared to me in my dreams over the years.

you make us so happy! you smile so big whenever we come into the room. you study your dad and lean into to him whenever he's around. you love goldie more than anyone. you cackle and kick your legs really fast when she runs towards you to give you good morning kisses. you snuggle me a lot, which makes me melt. everyone who holds you says the same thing: "i swear she's looking into my soul." i believe you were sent here to make people feel like they are worth something; to make people feel good and happy and all warm inside. everywhere we go, people see you and smile so big, exclaiming what a happy baby you are! do you know how much we all love you?

you love to:

snuggle your face right into your blankies

go on walks

sit up like a big girl

play with goldie's star princess wand

laugh out loud, often

eat vegetables (peas and sweet potatoes are your favorites)

eat fruits (you love pears with raspberries and bananas, but you don't like peaches)

drink mom's milk, but only when you're not distracted

smile at strangers

give open mouth kisses

say "mama" (your first word)

say "mmmm" and "num num num" while you eat

take baths with your sister (you don't mind water on your face)

wake up once in the night for a snack. you never used to do this, but now it's your new favorite thing.

be held. all the time.

do what goldie does... you want to run around with her so bad! soon enough lovie.

your nicknames are:

the white queen

kicking horse

cotton ball

snow queen

anita

anita jenkins (as dad likes to say)

annie girl

boocha boocha (my name for you... no idea where it came from but it's yours)

sissy

your best friend is:

goldie girl

you are at a healthy weight and you're a very good eater. you used to be the best sleeper but then we moved to california and we're still in adjustment mode i think.

you have two little teeth. you like to bite me sometimes. more teeth are coming, i can tell.

you are SQUIRMY. man, you are busy.

you look like your bibby and your papa. that's what everyone says. and me.

you get a little shy when strangers say hi to you. you lay your head on my shoulder but stare them square in the eye.

you love your hands.

you love the bjorn.

you ham it up real nice when i get the camera out.

you've got your mama's eyes and your dada's smile.

what a blessing it is to have you in our lives, anita. we love you so much. can't even remember life without you. happy 7 months boocha boocha.

oh, and don't forget me capturing your first words on camera. took the breath right out of me.

right?

2011-10-09T23:33:00.002-06:00

fields.

2011-10-08T01:13:00.000-06:00

for some reason when i look at this painting, it makes me want to lay in grass.

goldie likes to lay in grass and close her eyes. annie likes to touch grass with her little chubby hands...

i think parenthood and motherhood are two different things, don't you? motherhood seems to be more teaching, loving, cuddling, kissing, holding, hugging, nuzzling, feeding, playing, laughing, chasing, pick-me-uping, bathing, singing, dancing... every gerund you can think of really. parenthood seems to be more of the team effort, at least in my home, and it involves some disciplining, some patience, planning... i feel like financial, medical... all the business stuff falls into that category. i got motherhood covered. but as far as parenthood is going... that's a different story.

i don't know what is going on in this house, but someone has taken my sweet children and replaced them with whiny little girls. goldie is in this tantrum phase and i hate it. i don't like the word "hate" and i try not to use it a lot, but seriously, i can only take so much. she whines and cries about everything these days and it is causing me to freak out on a daily basis. maybe i just don't have the patience for it... but what i really think is happening is that i'm not used to seeing her act like this and it's making me sad. she ran into the kitchen today while i was unloading the dishwasher. she reached in, grabbed a butter knife and started to run away (she knows it's naughty). so while she was spinning and trying to do a little dance with this swinging knife in the air, i very quickly and very gently, mind you, took it from her hand and started to dance along with her. you know, act like nothing happened. well, she's smart and it didn't work. before i even realize what's happening, she is arching backwards with her sweet little contorted face in the air, screaming and turning bright red. she flops on the floor and proceeds to put her face down against the tile and cry really hard. i've taken things away from her in the past and it was no big deal, but not today. wow. so i don't react because i know that's what she wants. instead i repeat to myself 6,000 times, "i can do hard things. i can do hard things." annie is teething and while that was not a big deal for goldie, it is for my anita. she doesn't like pain, i've decided. i mean who does, it's understandable. but she will whine until the cows come home unless i pick her up and do something about it. when they are both whining and crying at the same time... that's when it happens.

i get very tense inside. i feel like my walls crumble and everything goes blurry for a second. i want to melt away and disappear and sit in a silent room by myself with no one screaming or touching me. isn't that horrible? but really, when it's all happening at once, things get really hard for me. i've never been a patient person, we all know this... i've talked about it a lot on here. but i really feel like i've gotten better in the past few years, only because i make a very conscious effort to work on it. but the past few days, i have lost my patience and i feel so ashamed about it. i know i'm not the perfect mother and i know i'm not the only mom in the world who all of a sudden yells, "ALRIGHT EVERYBODY STOP!!!" and her kids look at her like... woah. what is happening to mom. that may have happened today. but seriously, i wish i could just not let it get to me. i wish i could tune it out and find a happy place, but i don't think that's my personality. i love my children so much, this is obvious. but freak, when goldie throws a piece of the wooden watermelon at annie's head, i'm going to get mad and discipline her and put her in a time out. and she's not going to be happy about it and i'm going to be sad that i have to be stern and mean to her for a second in order for her to get it through her tiny, but thick little skull that we don't throw hard things...or any things for that matter, at annie. or anyone.

parenthood. i'd rather just be mom. jake says i just can't let them win... that made me laugh out loud. it's amazing, you wouldn't believe it. but when he lets me sleep in a little (he does this often, bless his heart... but it only last until about 9 when goldie comes crashing through the door yelling for me. i secretly love that she wakes me up like that though), the girls are like perfect for him. no whining, no crying... just playing and all smiles and giggles. then i come in and for some reason the whining starts. jake and i are dumbfounded. it's not like i'm the only one who disciplines. goldie gets an ear-full from jake when she throws her food. but seriously, i walk into the room and everyone is happy to see me but the whining starts and jake's like, "seriously they've been totally happy. i don't get it."

me neither.

someone want to explain that to me? is it because i'm the one around all day so they associate me with being the person to whine and cry to? if that's the case, then that sucks.

anyway, today was kind of a hard day in that regard. tomorrow i hope will be better. we've got a birthday part to attend, so maybe goldie will get all her energy out and take a good, long nap afterwards. i think she needs it. i simply don't want to be remembered as the mother who yelled a lot and was caught screaming into pillows by her children. i really, really don't want that to be me. so i have got to change something.

i do pick and choose my battles, at least. there is currently pink crayon on the wall next to goldie's door. i got over that very fast. see? progress.

oh, there's always tomorrow. but what if for some reason tomorrow doesn't happen? i will regret how today went. and then i'll be sad. so... i just have to make every day count. every day can be good, even great. there will be hard times and bad moments maybe, but the day itself can be good.

and really, usually almost everyday i feel very, very happy. and so do my girls.

plus who can stay upset with these two?

i still owe annie her 7-month old post. look at that face.

yes, that's duct tape on her shoes. pumpkin patch post to come!

i wish i drank coffee. that might help. ha. goodnight.

books.

2011-10-06T21:32:00.000-06:00

this is a bookstore that my friend goes to a lot... isn't it dreamy? i just can't get over it. i love bookstores... i mean i really love them. i have a lot to catch up on but not right now. time for a little work and then sleep.

best one-liner heard at the playground the other day:

"yeah well i really don't like to talk about acorns, and neither does charlie."

me neither, kid.

a day in the life of goldie jean.

2011-10-06T00:10:00.002-06:00

Untitled from jenna vela on Vimeo.

sorry... i didn't realize i was holding the camera the wrong way until about half way through the video. what is WRONG with me these days? that's a whole other post. goodnight!

sunday thoughts.

2011-10-02T17:07:00.000-06:00

i want to talk about my parents for a quick minute here.

my dad. handsome, isn't he?

my mom. so very pretty.

living with them this past summer could have gone one of two ways: really awesome, or really bad. luckily i feel like i have the best parents in the world and we basically had the best summer ever. they let me and the girls live with them while jake was away, and although we missed jake a lot, they let me basically take over their home with toys and diaper changing stations and food and we really did have a good time. it was fun for me to spend so much time with my parents, especially my mom. my dad travels for work a lot, so mom and i pretty much partied every night. we sewed (kind of... i really should have worked on that more), watched tv (i won't name the show because my mom will be shamed), went on walks, made dinner together, played with the girls. and then when my dad came home on the weekends, we all played outside, went out to eat, went to church together. i could go on and on. it was a very relaxing summer (even though i had a few breakdowns... bless my mom for dealing with me), and sometimes i fall asleep at night now and miss those warm georgia nights. my parents really love me and my children. they really love my sisters and their children too (well, my little sister doesn't have kids, but you know what i mean). they do so much for us and i just hope i can be like them one day. i take it as a great compliment when someone tells me i remind them of my dad or my mom. i always say thank you.

i was praying the other night and i asked heavenly father to bless my family. i used to say, "please bless my family and jake's family..." but i don't say that anymore because jake's family IS my family. i feel like his sisters are my own. his parents love me like i was one of their own (and i like to think that i am). they love my children and would do anything for our little family... same with the rest of their kids. i feel very, very blessed to have married into a family that is as close-knit as my own. even their extended family relationships rival my own. i always thought my family was very unique in the sense that i'm very close to my aunts and uncles and cousins. jake's family is the same. so, so blessed.

i LOVE this picture of my in-laws. max is suffering from a brain freeze and julie is laughing at him. lots of laughing in this family.

one of my favorite pictures of julie and goldie. annie wears that outfit now. crazy.

anyway, those are my thoughts for today. i know that no family is perfect, including my own. trust me. but i think when it all comes down to it, your family is who matters most. your family will be there with you until the end. friends may come and go, but family is kind of permanent. i'm glad i can say that my permanence is a good thing. a great thing. the best thing.

my weekend has been a quiet one. i've been getting stuff done around the house: organizing, 8 loads of laundry, folding laundry (sort of... the pile is still staring at me), baking cookies for my neighbors (i never bake... they turned out crappy), and playing with my best friends: goldie and annie.

annie gets her own special post tomorrow because tomorrow she is 7 months old. it literally blows my mind at how fast time flies.

happy sunday, friends.

um..

2011-10-01T22:32:00.000-06:00

sometimes i like to play on tinyprints.com.... like, when i should be doing a million other things.

oh well.

a & g.

2011-10-01T21:57:00.000-06:00

i miss these guys when they go to bed.

no, i'm not stoned. i'm tired.

2011-09-30T23:59:00.001-06:00

it must be a mom thing, right? nah i doubt that. lately i've been noticing that my eyes turn pretty red at night. yes, i itch them. but i have never experienced them this red. sometimes i feel like i'm getting old. these photos prove it. it's okay.

i've never been one to be upset about a birthday. i don't mind getting older. i guess i look at my mom who has only gotten better and better every year of her life. she'll agree. so i always hope that every time a birthday comes around, i'm a year older and better than the year before. that's the goal anyway. today was so busy that i hardly even remember what we did. all i know is that tonight got crazy when i finally sold my bedroom set. the woman came to pick it up with no one to help load it. jake is out of town, but luckily we have the nicest neighbors in the entire universe who dropped everything and helped me load the furniture in her truck. while all this is happening, i'm running back and forth grabbing goldie who is running with one shoe on after a ball into the street. she knows not to throw the balls into the street but she does it anyway. sometimes i forget that she's still really little. you know? then annie is crying because it's her bedtime, and some strange lady is holding her (because i had to load furniture, don't worry she was nice). as i'm typing this i realize that i can't really convey how crazy it felt, but basically everything was happening at once while i had two tired, hungry, and crazy girls on my hands. yikes. like i said, awesome neighbors.

then it was bath time...i should have taken a picture of goldie, or should i say orphan goldie. covered in dirt from playing outside, just how we like it around here. gave her some food, fed annie, put them to bed. then i had to clean up the tornado that went through my house...plus the outside courtyard that was crazy from playtime earlier. the list goes on.

life is just busy with all these little things, you know? we go go go. tomorrow, i'm going to try and just be. just play outside, have some down time... no more go go go. maybe then i won't have such red eyes at the end of the day. hardly attractive.

for now, i'm going to go read in bed and fall asleep. do you have red eyes too?

giveaway.

2011-09-30T17:26:00.002-06:00

remember how i love to cook and have a recipe blog? we're having a giveaway. you should check it out.. these babies can be yours.

www.justcookalready.com

a hen and her chickens.

2011-09-30T00:24:00.000-06:00

been thinking about these two lately. obviously i think about them often no matter what because i'm surrounded by them every day, but even after they go to sleep i find myself remembering cute moments or funny things that goldie said that day or the open-mouth kisses annie gives me. i miss them when they go to sleep. i get excited to see them when i wake up. even though they sometimes make me crazy (and i swear they communicate and pick the days to both be at their "not best" at the same time just to push the knife in a little deeper), i look at them and my heart literally wants to burst. when we're leaving to go somewhere, i'll be putting annie in her car seat and i'll tell goldie to run and get her shoes please. all of a sudden i hear her little voice go "mommy.... shoes" and she politely drops my TOMS at my feet. she always wants to help feed annie her baby food, and she loves helping change annie's diaper... and then taking that diaper right to the trash. i know it successfully made it into the can when i hear a distant "hooorrayyy!!" from goldie. she gives kisses to everyone, including strange kids at the park (uh we're going to have to work on that). she says hello to whoever she sees and tells strangers "bresh you" when they cough or sneeze (didn't mean to rhyme there... but i like it). annie will randomly squeal...almost cackle, out of no where when we're running errands and she's in the bjorn. she loves to play with goldie and gets very excited when goldie runs to her first thing after a nap. annie can be very serious sometimes... she will look right into your soul and it makes you want to never make a mistake again for the rest of your life. she is a happy baby and smiles at everyone, but when her smile is acknowledged by someone she doesn't know, she gets a little shy and lays her head slowly against my shoulder. it makes me feel good to know that she feels protected. she sits up and wants to be a big girl like her sister. they often give each other kisses and laugh at each other when i'm not around. it makes me feel very thankful that we had them close together.

it was a good decision.

i was holding annie tonight before sleep. she had her head on my shoulder and her little arm up by my neck. i thought of what i would do if she ever went away. i thought of my friend ani who is still reeling over the loss of ruby. i held annie a little tighter and a little longer... smelled her into me and nuzzled into her soft skin. i stopped my thoughts from going anywhere sad because i realized i literally would die if anything happened to her or to goldie. i don't know what i would do. my friend is incredible to me. she just keeps going, because she has to, but also because she knows that's what ruby would want. she is a strong woman who understands that she doesn't always have to be strong (it takes guts to know and understand that concept). such an example... she could still use some prayers, by the way. so don't forget about that.

anyway, i just love my children and although i have my hard days where i wish i could just disappear for a little bit, i often look at them and know i'd rather be no where else than on the floor playing and laughing with them. i cherish those moments. i really do.

goodnight.

a day in the life.

2011-09-29T22:52:00.000-06:00

just playing together. no big deal. annie looks like a marshmellow.

teething. little angel.

naughty. she knows she's not supposed to get up there but she does it 20 times a day anyway.

i love how annie's legs stick straight out when she's in the bumbo.

that's really all i've got to say today. just another day.

don't mess with the vela girls.

2011-09-27T23:21:00.000-06:00

if i could say anything about my girls, it would be this: they are tough as nails.

seriously i can't tell you how many times goldie trips and falls, bangs her head.. whatever. she just hops back up, rubs her hand on her head with a confused look on her face and keeps on doing whatever she was doing. i love it. i feel so proud when she just takes it like a champ. annie is the exact same (well, almost... she is getting tougher by the day). goldie thinks it's okay to sit on annie (i always race to pull her off), but i swear annie doesn't even mind it. she just keeps on playing... i think goldie knows not to put all of her weight on her somehow. anyway. it's fun watching them play. before i know it, annie will be running around wanting to be a big kid like her sister. time is flying my friends. time. is. flying.

i'm sorry, but i cannot handle how precious this photo is of goldie. don't you just want to squeeze her? she was being super cuddly this afternoon and wanted to snuggle on the floor. definitely took advantage of that.

like i said, super cuddly.

oh annie, i love you and all of your many faces. check out that tooth!

once again, goldie laying on annie. she is wearing jeggings, by the way. they are awesome.

annie kicking her off. she already holds her own.

annie attacking goldie and goldie loving it.


and then the random photo of the evening where goldie runs around naked and half wet after her bath. she won't sit still so i can dry her off and put on some lotion. crazy horse.

sidenote: isn't jake handsome? wowzers.

goodnight!

bold blossoms

2011-09-27T22:20:00.000-06:00

remember when i served a mission in lithuania? wow that was a long time ago. i've come along way since knee-high stockings and long, wavy frizz hair. ahh... the mission. anyway, on that mission i served with a girl named beth who i happened to love working with. we were only together for a short time, but we got it done, you know what i mean? great girl. very talented. she has started up a floral design business in southern california and utah (although she's moving back to utah permanently in a few months.. so those of you who live in southern california, get on it!) and just launched her website a few weeks ago.

she does weddings, dances, parties, funerals, showers, holidays... any arrangement you can imagine. love that.

anyway, her website is called Bold Blossoms. click here to see her work!

blub blub blub.

2011-09-27T14:55:00.002-06:00

my little glitter fish... just practicing for halloween!

paleo

2011-09-26T15:59:00.000-06:00

this pretty much sums it up.

a lot of people ask me what the paleo diet is. my sister put a link on facebook that pretty much sums it up in simple terms. i eat paleo for the most part--maybe about 85-90%. however, jake and i have decided that life is much too short to live 100% paleo.

click here to read the quick version of paleo. click here to learn more from the guru himself, robb wolf. great FAQ here.

i also recommend this book.

and i recommend this blog. lots of yummy recipes on there too.

enjoy!

bucket head.

2011-09-25T21:56:00.002-06:00

i came outside today and found goldie like this:

freaking out because she sees and hears an airplane. "AIRPANE!"

still freaking out. she loves airplanes. and cars.

i just want to go ahead and document this hair. i do nothing to it except put her to sleep with it wet from a bath. i wish i had as much body to my hair.


nothing like hair stuck in your snot to end the day.

all these photos were taken while my other little chicken did this in my bed:

a little blurry because i only let the lense through the door... but you get the idea. isn't she the sweetest?

more house.

2011-09-24T13:54:00.000-06:00

well here is the rest of our house, minus annie's bedroom. hers is basically complete, but we're going to double it as a guest room as well so there is some work to be done. speaking of guest room, i am really impressed with myself and the things i've been finding on craig's list lately. all of a sudden i am obsessed with that website! probably because i don't want to spend money on new things. you know what they say, someone's trash is another's treasure. amen to that. last night i picked up a queens-sized mattress (sealy posturepedic...only a few years old, great condition, smelled normal), box spring, bed frame, and a cool wooden vintage headboard for only $35. yes. you read that correctly: $35. i kept trying to explain to jake what an incredible steal that is but he doesn't quite get it. i mean that should go down in the history books, right? anyway, so that needs to be cleaned, assembled, blah blah before i show photos of annie's room. moving on.

our bedroom is the weirdest shape; i'm sure it used to be an office or something. we used to have our bed up against the windows but there was no room to walk and it was just awkward. i didn't like it. just for kicks, i moved the bed yesterday and actually think it looks much better-- the windows are free and open up the room more. do you like our escape door? random. it actually leads to the back patio that we never use, and jake practically begs me for his own space somewhere in this house, except there is none. so i took the nightstand out of annie's room (that actually happens to go with our dresser) and gave jake an early christmas present. you gotta do what you gotta do with the space that you have, am i right? i'd love to get a small area rug for our room one day, but definitely not a need at the moment. do you like our office corner? lame. at least we're organized, or try to be anyway.

our lovely yellow bathroom. i told you our house had character. i love it though.

this is sort of random, i know. but jake and i were in paris about a year ago next month and we bought goldie this little mirror (on the left). i was so happy about it because when i was very young, my dad brought me back a very similar little mirror from paris (on the right). kind of cool, huh. love it.

this is the girls' bathroom. i LOVE the grey (it is my favorite color, afterall). and i love that the bathtub is simply just that: a bathtub. there is a stand-up shower behind the door.


i love this hallway. as you see, there is a door that closes off this entire part of the house, aka the girls' "wing". goldie's room is the first on the left, then annie's is right next to it also on the left. anyway, it's nice to be able to close the door to the hallway at night or during nap time and know that they won't be disturbed. kind of awesome.

so there you have it. hope you're having a great saturday. mine consists of laundry, vacuuming, and a trip to the grocery store and old navy. goldie is growing like a weed i tell you.

word of the day: exciting.

2011-09-23T17:28:00.000-06:00

these girls are keeping me on my toes, to say the least. they are pretty fun though, i will say. we have great days and i've been taking random photos of nothing too exciting. but then again, sometimes every day life can be kind of exciting, right? i mean, pretending to model in front of a fan? exciting. running around in leopard pj bottoms? exciting. sucking your thumb nonstop? exciting. having fuzzy blond hair that smells like vanilla and lavender? exciting.

2011-09-23T10:40:00.000-06:00

uh... this is how i feel right now.

i'm having issues with annie, and it's bugging me so bad. when we lived in georgia this past summer, she was totally sleeping through the night. she would MAYBE wake up at 6 am, eat, and go right back asleep until 9:30 or so. i was feeling so happy and content with that.

i know moving can upset kids... confuse them, irritate them. new surroundings, new places, new adjustments. when we moved to california, i thought for sure that goldie would be the one to have a hard adjustment and not annie, considering annie is still so little. but sure enough, annie is the one who is having a difficult time and i don't really know what to do about it. i never experienced this with goldie, so it's kind of a new ballgame for me.

annie is a very similar baby to when goldie was a baby. both wake up with big smiles on their faces. both love to play. both nap pretty well. annie is more needy though, i'm learning, which i feel like is pretty typical for the second child. it makes sense. she wants to be held more, she's more cuddly than goldie was, she doesn't play on the floor for as long by herself as goldie used to. so, while very similar, i'm noticing a lot of differences as of late.

i don't know what to do with annie. she is now waking up like 3-4 times a night (and it's killing me). i let her cry for awhile but it's not one of those "cry it out" things. she is hungry. i nurse her 4-5 times a day, plus baby food 3 times a day. she shouldn't be hungry, right? i tested my milk production this morning and seriously, barely pumped anything out. like, maybe 2 ounces total. who am i kidding, i only pumped a little more than 1 ounce. so there is my answer... i think i'm drying up and it's making me sad. i haven't changed anything... diet still the same, i'm actually working out less than i was this summer because my awesome mom isn't here to watch my kids for me every day. so you would think the production would increase, right? i used the pumped milk from this morning and mixed it with formula in a bottle. i did this with goldie when i dried up with her (come to think of it, it happened around the same age... 7 months), mixed formula and nursed milk, and after awhile she finally took the bottle. jake had to give it to her though with me out of the room... and he's not here all the time anymore sooo this is going to be interesting. anyway, then i would slowly just do all formula because i had nothing left to give. soon enough, goldie was on the bottle and life got much easier.

i guess that's what i'm going to have to start doing with annie because she obviously is not getting enough. she is also teething: she has a new tooth all the way through on the bottom and the second one is starting to come through right next to it. combine all of that with being hungry makes an unhappy baby.

do you have any advice? any tricks i should try that i already haven't? i have to get her sleeping through the night again because i am not a good mom when i don't have good sleep. i'll be the first to admit it.

here is what i've tried:

tylenol (which helps because it knocks her out but i can't give her that every night. only when her teeth hurt)

nursing right before bed to "top her off"

baby wise, all of it (which worked for awhile.. then the chaos started)

more baby food

less baby food

oral gel

formula only (ha, yeah nice try)

formula mixed with breast milk (not giving up on that one yet. tried it for the first time today)

extra cuddling and kissing

...

help.

how is it only 9:40? it's going to be a long day.

oh amy.

2011-09-23T01:16:00.002-06:00

you always say it right, don't you.

thursday morning.

2011-09-22T23:37:00.003-06:00

typical morning in our household.

goldie's feet are the best part. oh, and maybe annie playing with goldie's hair. that's nice too.

birdies.

2011-09-21T00:51:00.000-06:00

i should be asleep right now but my mind is wandering and wandering. i had a conversation tonight with my friend ani, who lost ruby just over a month ago. we relate on a level where we've both lost a child (children), except hers is a much harder and much more of a real situation. she held her baby in her arms. she knew her baby. she kissed, cuddled, listened, nursed, and physically loved her baby. even through all the hurt that she is feeling and will probably feel for a long time, she still sympathizes with me about my twins that i lost so long ago. it means a lot to me. she will explain to me how she is feeling about certain things, and the feelings are all too familiar. my mind starts to open up and i remember the heartache, the anger, the confusion, the hurt, the feeling of wanting to disappear. it all comes to the surface through these conversations, and in that very small and brief moment, i have a glimpse of what my friend is feeling.

i've been thinking about those twins lately, i don't know why.

this is the only picture i have of them, both alive and well here. some might think that i lost them early and that it wouldn't be so painful. but i was 16 weeks. my water broke. my body went into labor. i delivered them in our first apartment, alone... broken and alone.

i was so young. i feel like a completely different person than i was then.

those dark memories have been pushed from my mind for so long, and all of a sudden they are popping back up here and there. i remember the excitement and the fear when we saw two little babes in my belly. i remember that no one believed us-- our entire family thought we were lying. "no, listen we are being dead serious. there are two babies in there!" i remember telling people that i was pregnant when i was only 6 weeks along... my how i have learned my lesson with that one. i remember when we found out that we had lost one of them and i had never felt such anguish in my entire life. i literally could not stop crying from the moment our awful doctor in DC said, "well, looks like this one has expired." we didn't even know what he meant by that. he handed me a box of tissues and that was that. i think i cried for 3 days... i remember laying in bed midday with jake, both of us with our heads close and just crying for something so special that we had lost. we'd never felt that before, you know? we were so young, just married, surprise pregnancy, excitement, then sudden sadness. at least we still had the other one. but that didn't last too much longer.. and then it all happened. the story that i don't think i've ever publicly told on here in detail and one that i probably won't for awhile. it's just kind of really personal...and still kind of painful. i miss those twins but i have my girls, and they bring me so much happiness and fulfillment that the feeling of loss has sort of dissipated.

i watch annie and goldie interact and the calm i feel is indescribable. i just feel thankful that i have the two of them, who i have always thought were my little twins. but now i'm not so sure. sometimes i feel like they are still up there, waiting to come back down. or maybe not. maybe they had their time in my womb and that was that. i hope not though. i hope they get a second chance. some would call me crazy, but i still hope for those twins one day... not any day soon, mind you. but when the time comes for us to expand our family again, i wouldn't be surprised one bit if twins show up. i'm trying not to hope for it because then it won't happen. i'm simply saying that i wouldn't be surprised. and i wouldn't be sad about it.

i watched this video again tonight... i had forgotten about it. i just love these little twin boys-- they crack me up the way they move their hands and tilt their heads. they are having serious conversation. anyway, maybe one day i'll experience this. if not, that is totally okay and i accept it happily.

but there always is that chance. and i'd be lying if i said i don't hope for it.

basket buddies.

2011-09-20T21:17:00.001-06:00

my friend watched my girls for me today while i went to crossfit, and these are the official documentations of the morning. apparently they wanted to sit in the basket together to watch sesame street.

1. annie's face kills me in that first photo

2. goldie sucks her thumb a lot more often now than just bedtime and nap time. my past is coming back to haunt me.

silly girls.

p.s. i love these shoes... maybe for my birthday.... size 7.5... in gray... just saying.

what do you do when it's 85 degrees in september?

2011-09-19T21:45:00.000-06:00

you pretend it's summer, of course. it went against all my inside emotions to put goldie in a suit and fill that turtle with water (best dollar i ever spent, by the way). i know it is the end of september. it's supposed to be chilly... the leaves are supposed to be falling and changing colors. we're supposed to have our scarves and jeans on. right? oh yeah, i live in california now where it's sunny always. i am not complaining about that, by the way. i just miss this time of year in utah... and in any other 4-season state-- fall is my all-time favorite. i relish in it, ya know? i know the fall will come here soon enough (i've heard this heat isn't normal for this time of year... must have brought it with me from georgia), and when it does we are going for walks all day long! no naps for you kiddies, you WILL enjoy these leaves! just kidding.

it was a fun afternoon though. my house is a mess, but playing with goldie while annie napped was a much better choice. i'm kind of loving that i don't have an iphone... i've been a lot better at using my camera and documenting our lives. i'm sort of proud of myself.

ta-ta!

i could just bite her little nose off. same profile as we saw when she was in my belly, i kid you not.

i am in love with this photo. she got so close to the camera that it wouldn't focus... but i still love it anyway.

a big kiss for mom. love, love those kisses.

2011-09-19T15:40:00.000-06:00

spending some quality time with this girl while our sister naps. it's too hot for clothes.

hope you're having a great day.

why i love crossfit.

2011-09-18T23:53:00.002-06:00

i've had a lot of people ask me what my workout is, what i eat... etc. my story is just that: my story. my opinions and feelings about my own weight and body and whatnot have nothing to do with how i feel about anyone else... because honestly i don't worry about anyone else in that category. it's their business, you know? just wanted that to be clear before i explain some things.

i come from a background of athletics, meaning that growing up i played sports. my two main sports were soccer and volleyball, both of which required a lot of training, running, and conditioning. i've always loved being a part of a team, a part of a competition, and i've always loved being in shape. feeling strong and confident is important to me, you know what i mean?

after high school, i came to college and learned what it meant to be a part of a gym. i had always just used my high school gym and did whatever my coaches told me to do, so that was my workout. i wasn't familiar with 24 hour fitness or golds... this was a new concept for me. so i joined those gyms and did my usual stuff: i ran, "lifted weights", stair stepper, took classes, etc. while all of that was fun and kept me sort of in shape, nothing really improved my body. nothing i did really changed me, and going to the gym became more of a chore than anything. when i wasn't in the mood to go to the gym, i would run long distance outside (which was therapeutic and wonderful for the most part). i signed up for a half marathon and some other races and i completed them with pride. i still weighed more than i wanted to weigh though, and i still felt larger than i wanted to be.

then i had two babies, very close together, and after annie came into the world i was very determined to change my body forever. i didn't want to weigh 145 and be 5' 4. that wasn't acceptable to me considering 5 years ago i weighed 130. people would always say, "it's fine! you just had a baby!" but it wasn't fine and i didn't want to use that as an excuse anymore. period. i had always looked at these ripped women who were lean, healthy, and strong. they had had two kids (at least) and they were often older than me, so why couldn't i look like them? i finally quit telling myself that it was impossible. i finally quit saying NO, when all i had to do was say YES and go for it. so i did.

my husband started doing crossfit a little less than a year ago. like me, he was a gym rat and would lift weights, do cardio, blah blah blah. he also wasn't seeing the results he wanted. crossfit changed him within months, seriously. he lost 30 pounds and became lean, fast, and strong. all the while i was simply getting larger and larger with annie growing in my belly. i was happy for him, proud even, but secretly i was feeling so gross about myself. i turned that into a little burning fire, which turned into determination for the 6 week mark after i had annie. i followed jake's example and joined a crossfit gym in georgia while jake was away for work. it was exactly 6 weeks after annie, and i hit it hard. i became obsessed... 5 days a week, in the blistering georgia heat. i made friends who came to mean so much to me that i literally had to just walk away on my last day because i couldn't handle saying goodbye to the people who helped me to change for the better. i met people who motivated me, competed with me, and pushed me beyond anything i ever imagined i could do. my body has changed ten-fold. when i started crossfit, i weighed 151. i have lost 20 pounds. my body fat percentage is 19%. i feel stronger than i have ever felt in my life. crossfit has changed me forever. i don't say this to brag at all, i say this to prove a point.

this is getting sappy... isn't it.

i'm simply telling you what i have done to change myself. not only have i physically changed, but my mentality has changed as well. i have become a much more positive person. i believe in myself. i know i can do things, hard things, and i know i can be successful in whatever i put my mind to. i don't say no anymore. i accept a challenge and i even get excited about it. i have become a friendly competitor... but when that clock starts, i am all business. most of the time i am in competition with myself, which in my opinion is the best competition out there. since moving to california, i have had to slow my pace a bit. crossfit isn't necessarily cheap, depending on where you live. but if you can afford it and if you can make time for it, you have to give it a try. i promise you've never done anything like it. i go about 3 times a week now, and it really keeps me motivated and happy. i find that when i get to go and have a great workout that just kills me, i am a better mother, a better wife, and really just all around a happier person.

anyway, i wasn't planning on going into all of this but the above video pretty much sums up what crossfit is to me. you don't have to be in shape to do it. you don't have to be young. you don't have to be ANYTHING but you. you scale the workouts to whatever weight works for you, and you go to town. you get one-on-one training and you get it done.

so those are my thoughts for the evening. i'm simply an advocate for bettering yourself, and crossfit has really helped me to do that. i know crossfit isn't the only solution, and i know there are other programs and workouts that give you results. however, this was the best fit for me... and i'll do it for the rest of my life as long as my body is able.

hope you have a great week.

if you're looking into joining crossfit, all you have to do is google your town/city with crossfit and i'm sure you'll find a nearby gym. they all are individually owned and have their own websites. you just contact whoever owns the gym and get going. good luck.

today was a good day.

2011-09-16T21:55:00.003-06:00

nothing special happened today, really. it felt very normal. we woke up and jake had already left for work. i rallied the girls for breakfast and then we headed out to costco where goldie said, "hot dog" maybe 25 times. she also picked up a shiny purple puffy coat with a leopard hat and baby talked to it... she wanted it... and a hot dog. now that i think about it, today was the first time we have gone to costco without getting a hot dog... maybe because it was at 10 am. anyway, it was a good costco trip. as a side note, since when did everything get so expensive? i always get the kirkland bag of frozen salmon; it is a staple in our house. i looked at the price today and saw that it was $25.99. what? i swear it used to be $17.99. i looked at it 3 times to make sure i was seeing it right... sure enough. so i opted out and got a bag of trout and ahi tuna for the same price of one bag of salmon. i was bugged though... really, really bugged.

what else bugs me is when people are confused if annie is a girl or a boy. she clearly is wearing pink and has very feminine features (in my opinion). i might not have headbands on her all the time because goldie always wants to rip them off, but i just don't get it. maybe it's because i'm her mom? anyway. second side note.

after costco, my friend came to stay at the house while the girls napped and i went to crossfit. came home, showered, girls woke up, fed them lunch.. typical afternoon. all of a sudden there was a knock on my door and a nice man delivered some melissa and doug toys that i had ordered awhile ago from one kings lane. i got really excited because goldie got really excited. the rest of the hour was spent cutting wooden food, stacking blocks, watching sisters share and laugh and play together, etc. it was nice.

i've been trying to come up with ways to do fun things without spending money, so tonight we went on a picnic on one of my favorite trails. we were there around twilight and the weather was nice and breezy. ate some yummy food that i had made earlier and put in some tupperware, walked a bit, chatted and relaxed. we concluded that if we did that once a week for rest of our lives, we'd probably add a good ten years to our life expectancy. it's important, i think, to breathe fresh air and to be outdoors. it's so healthy and rejuvenating. anyway... so that's how we spent our friday night.

not that you all care about how i spent my day, but this was a particularly good day for some reason. like i said, nothing special happened. but my girls seemed happy which made me feel happy... and i wanted to write about it for my own purposes. yesterday, goldie discovered her shadow and drew her dad a picture. today, annie talked to goldie like she was her best friend. these are important things that i don't want to miss, you know what i mean? hope you had a great day too.

little miss personality

2011-09-16T16:56:00.000-06:00

so i got these food trays for $10 at the bijou market last session and i've been waiting for the day when i actually get to use them. remember how goldie loves to throw her food on the floor? and it drives me nuts? i've been trying to think of all kinds of solutions: don't say anything when she does it. say something, but say it kindly. say "no" very sternly. have her pick it up. grap the high chair tray before she can do any damage. put less food on her tray so that she will eat everything and there won't be anything left to throw. we tried everything. finally i decided that she simply doesn't want to be in her high chair anymore. so i went and got her a booster seat and while driving home from babies r us, i brainstormed different ways to make eating more fun. LIGHT BULB. my trays. i got really excited about it and kept telling goldie about her new chair, her new trays, how awesomely big she was, etc. etc. well, i think it worked. since sitting in her chair with her new food tray, she has only thrown food once and i'm pretty sure it was kind of on accident. i think she really feels like a big girl and she's probably like, "dude finally i get some respect around here!" calling her a "big girl" is my new thing. we've done away with bottles, the high chair, and potty training will commence in t-minus two weeks. away we go.

the proof:

i told her to say "cheese" and this is what we got. i love it. isn't her nap hair awesome?

loves her liquids. prefers water over everything. pretty sure she's had juice 5 times in her life and didn't even like it.

time for prayer...

intense prayer... very thankful for her food apparently.

can i eat now?

amen!

san francisco zoo.

2011-09-15T16:51:00.000-06:00

little princess didn't even know what was coming to her this day. she's obsessed with sucking her thumb. she normally does it only when she's tired, but i've noticed her taking to it a little more than usual. oh well. i can't say i blame her, i mean i sucked mine until i was ten years old. judge not. she chose that headband for her hair by the way-- doesn't she have great taste? oh goldie.

we went to the san francisco zoo and it was pretty fun considering the weather was a little chilly and gray. goldie loved the animals. at first she didn't really get what was going on, but as the day went on she became more interested and excited. her favorite place was the insect museum. i, on the other hand, was thoroughly grossed out by the hundreds of cockroaches and millipedes... i could have died. it's crazy to me how we drive like 15 minutes from our house and the temperature drops 15 degrees and the sun goes away. i feel grateful to live in a pleasant little town that happens to be a "sun spot" here in the san francisco area. thank you for sunshine!

annie just enjoyed the ride-- she got a little cranky towards the end but as soon as dad put her in the bjorn, she was good to go. that girl likes to know what's going on!

thumb sucker.

goldie was very interested in the gorillas. especially this guy below...

look right into my soul, why don't you.

he ruled the roost. obviously.

also looking at the gorillas. she really loved them. also, don't mind her hair. after a car ride and going crazy in her stroller, this is the result. she rocks it.

they look so much alike in this photo.

can you believe the colors on this baboon? it's insane.

i think flamingos are pretty. well, their feathers at least. their faces are a different story.

really excited about her two grapes.

look at that sweet gushy baby. i could just eat her.

i tried to capture how excited annie was that goldie was running toward her. these two seriously love each other.

just brushing the goat. no big deal.

probably the most excited goldie got was when she saw the "duckies."

and then mom ruined it all because i wouldn't let her get in the water with them. sorry, lou.

we ended the day with a nice bath and a bedtime story. this one is her new favorite-- it's a cute book, and of course the main character is GOLDIE LOCKS. maybe that's why she likes it, because she gets to hear her name.

chris does it again.

2011-09-15T13:03:00.003-06:00

seriously, i can't explain what this music does to me. chris martin is a musical genius. will definitely be saving to go to his concert again this year. this song makes me want to cry. listen.

hubba what?

2011-09-15T01:32:00.000-06:00

i just can't get over how they do sesame street. it blows my mind.

it's late and i'm going to sleep now... but i thought i'd share this random thought. SF zoo update tomorrow.

the city select stroller: with an update on how it works in different terrains.

2011-09-13T23:57:00.002-06:00

i get asked all the time about my stroller (and most recently a few times on this here blog). SO, here is my two cents on double strollers... and single, for that matter.

i did a lot of research on strollers when i had goldie. i didn't have a good walking/running stroller before i had her because i didn't need it in the dead of winter in utah. however, when the months started getting warmer and i was feeling up for a good run or walk, i knew i had to get down and dirty to figure out which stroller i wanted.

my goal: only buy one stroller ONCE. lofty, i know. but i had seen so many people buy stroller after stroller, start at a single and then had to buy a new double, then had to buy a new jogger, blah blah blah. i just didn't want to be doing that because a) it's annoying and b) it's expensive. after a lot of research (both verbal and via internet), i decided to buy the baby jogger brand city select (in this color, by the way).

it starts as a single. but what really sold me on it is that you can buy the accessories as you need them, and it eventually converts into a double (as seen above). i knew we'd be having another baby soon after goldie, so this was essential for me. i bought the bassinet that came with it, which was amazing when goldie was very small. we would go on walks, she would fall asleep in her bassinet, and i'd simply unclick it and carry her upstairs still in the bassinet. it was so easy and so convenient. then when annie came along, goldie would ride in the regular seat and annie would ride in the bassinet. genius. everything just clicks, unclicks, baddabing baddaboom DONE. it also folds very easily, although slightly bulky. it weighs about 20 pounds, but it really doesn't feel heavy. anyway, when annie came along, i bought the second seat and the adaptors. the single stroller now turned into my double stroller. i also love that it's stadium seating instead of side-by-side. those side-by-side strollers are huge, and i simply couldn't imagine walking through baby gap with one of those things. stacked is better, in my opinion.

another awesome thing about this stroller: look at the options.

i mean, that is A LOT of different ways to use this stroller. it's unreal, and i love it so much. i literally have changed a seat's direction while goldie was sitting in it. the sun was in her eyes, so i just unclicked it, turned her around, and kept on walking. anyway.

i would highly, highly recommend this stroller to anyone. i know there are A LOT of strollers out there, and i'm sure there are better ones here and there. but this one works perfectly for us, and i really will never have to buy another one. keep in mind, i do have umbrella strollers as well for quick trips and whatnot. but this stroller is definitely my go-to.

i don't know a ton, but i know what i like. and i really, really like this stroller. might even say that i love it.

*as far as running and jogging go: i've had this on the beach, trails, and sidewalks. it handles all terrain very well because of its rubber wheels. technically, it's not a "running" stroller: they recommend not running over 5 mph with it. i don't normally jog much faster than that with two kids, so we're good to go over here! hope that helps.

still want to know more? youtube saves the day:

the redwoods: check.

2011-09-13T21:16:00.001-06:00

i've always wanted to see the redwoods, and luckily we live very close to them now. we went to muir woods the other day with the girls... it was pretty dreamy. very peaceful, very awesome, very beautiful. i remembered how much i loved being outside, especially with my family. the weather was perfect. anyway, it was a good day.

but before we started the day, we relaxed with elmo for a bit. but of course.

"aleaf!"

the daddy-pack. ha. oh man... who would have ever thought. we are happily that family.

i call this the "electric eel." crazy how the sun was hitting this tree-- it was literally glowing.

man-handling two tired girls.

sharing in the front yard.

'twas a lovely day, afterall.

i'm sad though, because i was really hoping to get in to some of this action:

i should be asleep...

2011-09-12T00:57:00.000-06:00

but instead i'm coveting everything on crew cuts. why does it have to be so expensive.

can you hear me sighing? you should, because it's a loud one. also, why can't jcrew make adult clothes identical to crew cuts? i don't get it.

let me see you take a walk with me, take a walk with me..

2011-09-10T21:11:00.000-06:00

mid-spin with the golden one.

isn't her shirt amazing? i wish they had one in my size.

jake has the luxury of taking his shirt off if it gets too hot. i mean i could too, but i don't want to scare the children.

lovely ladies.

went on a lovely little walk today with the chickens and jake-- they were really good (goldie and annie, that is), which always makes a walk on a trail so much more fun. it was a really pretty day, and it was fun to finally do something like this as a family. i've been waiting for this day for awhile now, and it was good to us. after stuffing ourselves at red robin (mint brown shake? what...), we came home, bathed the girls, and now we're working on organizing and cleaning, blah blah blah. it was a good, productive day. hope your saturday was a wonderful one.

you're late! you're late! for a very important date!

2011-09-09T15:49:00.003-06:00

i finally let goldie play with her ceramic tea set that jake's mom got her awhile ago. isn't it awesome? i love the colors. anyway, we've been avoiding it because it can easily break, but goldie wanted to play with it so bad, so who am i to say no? she organized each little cup and made sure the colors were right... that little organizer. she was happy to finally be able to have her tea party, to say the least.

next time we'll have on in her room and invite her bunny, puppy, and bear.

and then we have thumb sucker no. 2:

oh annie. you sweet thing. she is in the stage where you lay her on her back and she immediately rolls onto her stomach, which is great exercise but annoying when she spits up every five minutes (usually she's on the floor soon after she's eaten). she just keeps growing and growning. and sucking on that thumb... which is mostly my fault because i sucked mine until i was ten. yes, third grade. my teacher would turn on music and we'd all dance around the room pretending to hold instruments. mine was always the trumpet; i guess i've always been sort of sneaky.

future soccer player? wouldn't that be awesome if they were on the same team one day? high school national championships? that would be sweet.

off to clean and shower. ta-ta!

well hey there dad.

2011-09-08T15:08:00.002-06:00

jake is home, finally, and we are so happy. goldie woke up extra early just to say hi...sometimes the morning comes so fast, you know what i'm saying? yeesh.

then we went to costco, naturally. had some samples, bought some food... then jake and goldie fell asleep and kicking horse and i are playing and taking photos.

annie's native american name: kicking horse (she's always got her right leg kicking)

this baby kills me with how freaking cute she is. seriously.

husband.

wife.

hope you're having a great day.

comes the dawn.

2011-09-07T02:22:00.001-06:00

in contrast to my previous post... this is a little more serious. i've been thinking about this poem a lot and wanted to share it.  

with ruby passing away almost a month ago, those feelings are still fresh inside of me.  i think about her often; her little face popping up in my mind a lot.  i think about her mom... my dear friend who is struggling to live her new life without her baby, and all i can do is pray for her, love her unconditionally, and do my best to be there for her whenever she needs me. i don't know all the answers, but i know about love. and i know about hope. and i know about grief. and i know about faith.

and it's a lot sometimes to deal with all that and to make sense of it all..

this poem has helped me so many times throughout my own life when i went through hard things, especially after losing my twins.  it's just kind of profound like that.. it's my favorite poem of all time.  i really think it's beautiful.

 Comes the Dawn

by Joy Whitman

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and sharing a life.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean possession,

and company doesn’t mean security,

and loneliness is universal.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises,

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes 

open, with the grace of an woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build your hopes on today

as the future has a way of falling apart in mid-flight

because tomorrow’s ground can be too uncertain for plans.

yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path

toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

so you plant your own garden and nourish your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that love, true love,

always has joys and sorrows

seems ever present,

yet is never quite the same

becoming more than love and less than love

so difficult to define.

And you learn that through it all

you really can endure

that you really are strong

that you do have value
 
and you learn and grow 

with every goodbye 

you learn.

i wasn't going to post this but...

2011-09-07T00:39:00.001-06:00

sometimes i wonder what goldie is thinking. she'll be doing one thing one minute and then she totally switches her thoughts and is obsessed with something else the next. then all of a sudden she stops dead in her tracks, looks at me with those big brown eyes and exclaims at the top of her lungs, "air-pane! sky! grass!" this means, "i hear an airplane in the sky and i want to go play in the grass." i always wonder with that crazy horse. then my friend emailed me this delicious bite of humor on a day that i needed a good laugh. i've hesitated with posting it because there's some language, and my grandpa reads my blog (love you grandpa!).... anyway, i've edited a few words but i left in the good stuff. it's just too hilarious to NOT post it. so kick back, grab your kids' latest carb addiction, and enjoy this one on me.

Day 215: Approximately 3 Minutes Inside The Head of My 2 Year Old

by Jason Good on August 7, 2011

Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.

I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.
I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.
GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!
I wanna open and close the thermostat.
I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.
Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?
I NEED TO PUSH SOME ***DAMN BUTTONS.
I wanna pick up the cat by it’s head.
I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.
HOLY SH*T I’M STARVING.
CHEDDAR BUNNIES.
I HATE FRUIT.
I want out of my chair.
I wanna play with the iPad.
I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.
I wanna take my pants off.
I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.
I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.
I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.
I’m thirsty.
No, not for that.
Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.
Where’s Daddy?
Where’s the cat?
Where’s Mommy?.
SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?
Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.
Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone
Hungry again. Never mind
I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.
STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!
Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.
Finally, peas. I like throwing these.
WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?
Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.
Im tired.
IM NOT TIRED!
I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.
No, not inside either!
I need to push some buttons right now.
I hate this diaper.
My eyes itch.
WOW! Is this my toe?
STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!
I hate these pants.
This shirt itches.
I’m tired.
Stop asking me if I’m tired.
Where’s that toy that goes beep.
I wanna take a bath in my clothes.
Put on my favorite song.
Where’s the cat?
What is UP with my shirt?
Did I just hear a dog bark?
YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!
I wanna see a dog.
No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.
Is my penis still there? Good.
I peed.
I’m bored.

Repeat.

original post found here.

20 months going on 16.

2011-09-04T20:37:00.000-06:00

goldie is not a good listener. i keep telling her to stop growing and she does anyway. doesn't she look 16 in these photos? it kills me. that sign in my front yard also kills me. my landlord is funny like that. if goldie could play and leap and spin and dance and lay in grass all day, pretty sure she would. she is a lover of nature and all things outside. every time we go to the car and i'm busy putting annie in, she is running around in the grass. when i go to get her, she plops down, lays back and closes her eyes like she's sleeping or something; it's funny. we go to the park almost every day, and today i let her take her shoes off and run like a free bird through the grass. it was an entire new experience (even though she's done that before... crazy horse), and she was very excited about it. annie also likes grass.. we laid her on a blanket and she played in the sun while goldie ran around worshiping nature.

still coming up with a native american name for annie.

happy labor day.

pretty, pretty girls.

2011-09-03T23:24:00.000-06:00

a friend of mine offered to do an impromtu photo shoot with my girls when we were in georgia, and of course i said YES. it was possibly the hottest day ever. we were all sweating like crazy, but i think the photos turned out amazing. they really capture my girls' personalities, seriously. i look at these and want to burst because i love them so much. anyway, just had to share.

her name is marissa joyce and this is her website: click here.

you can see more photos on facebook: click here.

welcome home.

2011-09-03T17:48:00.000-06:00

so this is our house so far here in san francisco. it was built in the 50's (i'm guessing.. it's old), so there is a lot of character that we're working with here. i try to use what i have when i'm decorating... i've gotten a few new things since we've moved here, but other than that i've used what we already owned. i've also become a craig's list crazy person. i like a good deal. anyway, our bedroom isn't finished, so all you get is the bed. living room: complete. kitchen: complete. goldie's room: complete. we've still got annie's room to finish and both of the bathrooms are almost done. anyway, i've had a lot of photo requests so here you go! come visit, won't you?

headboard: craig's list. it's solid wood, awesome... i spray painted it a dark grey color and it's good as new. (our old bedroom set doesn't fit in our new room... currently trying to sell it)

desk: free. gotta love that. we don't have an office space in our house as of yet, so we're utilizing our living room. i think it works well.

fireplace. i love this fireplace... i'm so excited that we have one! the mirror is from a garage sale, $4. i spray painted it gold, and i love how it turned out.

big book case: $25, craig's list. nothing fabulous but it works! the rug is the best part of the room, i think. ebay, pottery barn circa 2003. my dream rug and my one splurge on this room.

i love the huge windows and all the light it brings in.

goldie reading. this girl loves books, and that makes me so happy.

the reading corner in goldie's room. we read books here before bed. chair inherited from my mother-in-law.

goldie's play area. i got the table and chairs off of craig's list-- pottery barn, country back chairs. i'm in love with it. i'm thinking of eventually painting it a fun color, but for now we'll keep it white. she LOVES it. best purchase for her yet.

goldie's room has a lot of space (actually, annie's does too). both of their rooms are bigger than mine, which i actually love. hopefully one day they will share this room and we can turn annie's room into a guest room/office. maybe when annie turns 1? we shall see. i really love this room.

this is our dining area. it's small, but it works and it's cozy and i like it. i love the huge window-- goldie and annie like to look out of it while they eat. maybe i'll get a round rug one day, but really what's the point. goldie's food goes everywhere.

like i mentioned, our house is old. but i kind of love that it's old because it really has so much character and it feels very unique to me. at first, the kitchen turned me off a little bit. but i've wiped it all down and although i would never choose plain dark wood for my cabinets (oh how i dream of a white kitchen), i have come to have a special place in my heart for the wood. do you like my awesome window treatment? courtesy of the landlord. works for me!

i don't know why i'm so obsessed with that flower painted (painted on wood), but i am. my dad painted it in high school and i don't think i'll ever part with it.

stay tuned for more!

annie: 6 months old

2011-09-03T16:30:00.000-06:00

so much has happened since this little blue-eyed blondie came into our lives, it's really kind of crazy. annie brings nothing but joy into this home. just look at her! she screams happiness. i'm convinced she was sent here to make people smile, diffuse any tense situations, and to be her sister's best friend. she is a little sweetie pie, this one. people literally stop me all of the time and exclaim how beautiful she is, and i must say that i agree.

how lucky am i to have my annie?

at six months, annie can:

sit up, but not for too long.

roll 360 degrees

eat baby food (she loves pears and mangoes)

drinks lots and lots of mom's milk

go to bed at 7 pm and sleep mostly through the night (she was doing great until we moved to california... we're almost back to sleeping through the night again though. hooray)

belly laugh at her sister

talk and talk and talk

take baths with goldie

she probably weighs around 15 pounds now (haven't had her check-up yet), and is growing like a weed. she takes two naps, one short one in the morning and then usually a longer one in the afternoon. she loves being outside, just like goldie, and she loves going on walks. annie is quite the snuggler, which i love. my favorite is when she lays her head on my shoulder when i take her in for a nap. it is dreamy. we are so blessed to have annie in our family. can't even remember what life was like without her.

love you anita!

sighing.

2011-09-02T22:56:00.000-06:00

my mom has this sweater... and i really, really want it.

i want to be a leopard.

birdie.

2011-09-02T00:52:00.000-06:00

welp, found my dream wallpaper. the blue one just screams for me to buy it. maybe one day... but today is not that day.

wait for me, birdies.

found here.

choosing to be positive... sort of.

2011-09-01T22:36:00.001-06:00

there are a lot of downsides to moving: leaving old memories behind, leaving loved ones, packing, finding a moving company that won't screw you over, unpacking only to find things broken and destroyed...

there are a lot of upsides to moving: new places, new beginnings, meeting new people, going on adventures, unpacking things you haven't seen for months so it feels like you've got all new stuff...

but the best part about moving: throwing stuff out. organizing. getting rid of things that have been sitting in your attic for three years. just sitting there, doing nothing. i can't tell you how liberated i feel throwing stuff away or giving it away or selling it... whatever, just getting it gone, if you will. not setting it somewhere else, but literally removing it from my house. liberation!

it makes me feel clean and happy inside. the process is annoying but worth it. maybe everyone should move every 5 years and then we could really generate some good garage sales.

i went into the city today (san francisco... the locals refer to it as "the city".. and i'm kind of local now, right?). driving in the city isn't my favorite thing. i swore about 7 times, yelled at a woman for taking my parking spot and said, "don't you know i've got two hungry babies in the back?!?!?". i yelled at her from my car, closed windows... but i bet she knew what i was thinking. the whole purpose of me putting myself in that crazy stressful situation is that i found goldie and annie a little kids table, finally. i have been on the hunt on craigslist for weeks now looking for a little table and chairs for the girls to use. goldie is totally into that right now. she wants to sit at my computer all the time and pretend to work. she loves to read while sitting in a big chair... and i'm going to re-introduce coloring to her pretty soon here (cross your fingers). she has a big chalk board in her room, but she's totally into eating chalk and it makes me crazy. i saw this program on lifetime or tlc or history channel, one of them, and it was about people who had weird addictions. this one girl had an addiction to eating chalk, like literally eating 2 packs a day. she also drank laundry detergent. i've been scarred ever since the chalk thing and now when i see goldie munching on it, i'm like, "holy crap she's addicted to chalk!" she's not really, but you can understand my paranoia after watching such a show. okay back to the point. the chalk board has to take a back seat for a little bit because of the chalk issue, so the table is perfect for a coloring book with some crayons and washable markers... which i have yet to purchase. bottom line, i found one on craigs list from pottery barn: country back chairs, smaller square table (originally i wanted round but whatever. beggers can't be choosers, as they say), white (thinking of painting it sea foam green). it's perfect. the man lived north of the city, so on the adventure we went. lesson learned: never venture through the city during the witching hour: 4-7 pm.

it's very pretty though, where i live. almost breath taking. went over the golden gate bridge for the first time in my life and kind of loved it.

me: goldie, this is the golden gate bridge. look at the water! can you say bridge?

goldie: biiiiiidge! (minus the r)

in other important news:

i ate a very large hamburger tonight that had caramelized onions, bacon, avocado, lettuce, tomato, purple onion and mustard on it. it made my day.

goldie had a lot of french fries.

annie had milk. and apples and apricots.

speaking of food, i really want this matrushka lunch sack for both girls. wouldn't taking a packed lunch to school be so much cooler if you could take it in this?

found at the paper source

yeah i realize my children are 20 months old and 6 months old. but i like to be a few steps ahead... and by a few i mean 7 years.

sure miss our dada.... and mama's iphone.

goodnight!

2012 calendars

2011-08-31T20:40:00.002-06:00

aren't these calendars awesome? i love them... except they don't make sense for me because i need to be able to actually write on them. either way, i'm going to need one because 2012 is a year of dance classes, music class, library days, and gymnastics. a girl can dream, right? goldie will be 2... crazy.

anyway, which would you choose?

i choose this one, because it's big, and i like it:

by the way, goldie pooped in the tub tonight. 2nd time in her life. awesome.

calendars found at the paper source.

2011-08-30T12:25:00.000-06:00

missing our dada.

randomness.

2011-08-29T23:29:00.000-06:00

as i was walking through costco today... i realized i'm a food hoarder. i like to be well-stocked for a few reasons: 1) just in case people randomly show up and i want to make them something yummy (or use it as an excuse to make myself something yummy), 2) because i don't like to run out of things, 3) in case of disaster. costco and i... we're good friends. people have come into my house before and looked in my fridge wondering where my second husband was and my 5 children. nothing wrong with having things in the pantry my friends.

the girls and i were at costco today, and i was giving goldie a hot dog (essential to each costco trip), which she was downing, and a man next to us sneezed. she sat there for a minute and i just kind of watched her, wondering what she would do. all of a sudden her face became like sunshine and her little eyebrows raised and she goes "bress you!!" unfortunately the man didn't hear her, which is sad because she was being oh so polite. i was proud of her though. it made me laugh. we had fun today, those girls and i. we do well most of the time.

today was a big day for me because i didn't raise my voice once. it's been this goal of mine-- i try really hard to parent my children the way that i would want to be treated, and i think if someone got mad at me every time i threw something on the floor, well i'd probably keep doing it. so i tried a different tactic today and she still threw stuff, but not as much. progress? i hope so. i felt my anxiety level rise a few times but i was able to control it and i felt pretty proud of myself. i really did. i just love those girls and i want them to always have happy memories... not ones of a stressed out mom. i don't want that to be me...even though that's kind of how i feel these days. must overcome myself; not doing too bad i guess.

i didn't have a phone today (and still don't) and it was kind of liberating. i didn't think about it that much, except for when i needed a map. so instead i went to mapquest.com and actually wrote out directions. can you believe it? i mean when is the last time i did that? these smart phones are just what they say: smart. but it was nice to just do what i needed to do and not be interrupted by whatever... checking facebook, instagram, my email... it was nice to be disconnected for a little bit. i played with my girls more and i got a lot more accomplished in my house. maybe a lesson learned... just something to think about.

goldie and annie took a bath together tonight-- it was fun. goldie went crazy with splashing and i kindly asked her not to do it around annie because annie is just so small. well, she did it anyway. i gave her a kiss on her head and said, "hey look at mommy. do you want to get out? because if you splash again... you're going to have to get out." she softly said no (which was so sweet i almost died) and only splashed little splashes. goldie is seriously so sweet. she is a really good big sister to annie-- and annie loves goldie more than anyone. anyway, i loved that they took a bath together: the first of many.

do your kids watch sesame street? mine do. one episode in the morning, and like a half episode at night to calm goldie down a little bit while i'm putting annie to sleep. well, there is this episode called "mine-itis" where everyone on sesame street comes down with this disease called mine-itis.... people stop sharing, which is just about as serious as hurricane irene. all of a sudden everyone is saying, "mine! mine!" to their own possessions and it's a big deal on the street. WELL. that episode has been deleted because guess what goldie likes to say now? MINE. she said it twice today and i was like... where did she learn that? freaking sesame street. i should write them a letter.

remember how i blog about parenting a lot? that's kind of my world right now, if you couldn't tell. i also don't have my iphone, obviously, so i don't have any photos from today and it's making me feel weird. my camera is being shipped to me from my mom's house... so i have no way of taking photos! except with photo booth on my computer. soooo, here's my one shot from today.

goldie learning how to say the word "mine." awesome.

and anita. i kind of think we look a lot alike in this one. hi! straight outta bed!

have a great night.