i've been doing some thinking this past week, which means i'm learning a few things about myself. i sort of had a minor breakdown the other night (due to the washing machine flood incident), and immediately i felt ashamed, humiliated, and plain awful about myself. yes, only jake was there to witness this at midnight, but still... he shouldn't have to deal with that. i guess i felt everything coming to a head in my mind. just re-read that sentence and realized three key words: in my mind. you see, the world isn't out to get me. i'm the only one that's out to get me. i've actually improved a lot lately, in fact i've felt pretty proud of myself for, well, overcoming myself. there are so many things inside of me that i have been wanting to change. so many things that i've been wanting to embrace. so many things that i've wanted to keep just the same. and i'm okay.
not many know this, and i'm not writing this to get sympathy or anything, but jake and i miscarried again a few weeks ago. it was disheartening, and i cried. and i felt sad. but i didn't feel cheated, and i didn't feel angry at god like i did last time. i have realized (and good friends and family have heard me say this over and over) that i have a serious jekyll side to me. i mean, it's pretty bad. after i miscarried those twins, i basically turned to the dark side of jenna in order to "deal" with whatever 50,000 emotions i was feeling. the truth is, i didn't understand what grief was and i didn't understand what it meant do "deal" with it. this third miscarriage has taught me so much, and the most important thing i've been able to see is how bad i can get...how deep into depression i can fall and what that turns me into. i've been able to take an outside look on the inside of me, and i've felt very calm and peaceful. this brings me to my next thought:
let me illustrate. for those of you who know me pretty well, you know that i appreciate a good shopping trip. i will be the first to admit that i love to shop and i love having new items to add to my wardrobe. i used to be worse than i am now (and i think i've calmed down a lot), but i still have it in me. today i went to the mall for lunch and decided to stop in one of my favorite stores, urban outfitters. they have so many things that fall right into my category of style...i just love it. anyway, i found this amazing gold dress (i love gold), and it fit me perfectly. even better, it was on sale for more than half off. "no brainer," i would normally say. but as i sat there and went back and forth on whether or not i should get it, i finally decided not to. big step for me. i left the mall feeling a little regret, thinking, "what if i do decide that i want it and then i come back and it's gone?" ridiculous, jenna. guess what? i wasn't even thinking about it 15 minutes later. what i've learned is that i don't NEED hardly anything. i need food. i need shelter. i need my husband (and want him too, i might add). i need my family. i need my friends. these are things i cannot live without, but i can live without a lovely gold dress. here is my point: i'm learning what's really important in life. no, that doesn't mean i'll never splurge again or that my shopping days are over; let's be realistic here people. but i'm beginning to understand that my life is a beautiful, fulfilling life. and it is up to me whether or not i'm going to enjoy it. i have more than enough of the things that i not only need, but also of the things that i want. right now, i have a pretty clear vision of what life is really all about. i'm learning that i am allowed to have break downs every once in awhile, and that i'm okay even if i feel sad about something for a few days. these are the human emotions that make me who i am. these are the human emotions that help me to understand what happiness, laughter, kindness, joy, and excitement mean. i am learning that the gospel really keeps me grounded if i focus on it enough. if i make time in my day to focus on that, my day goes much more smoothly and i'm able to feel closer to the one who made me.
this is a long post, i know. but i try to be as real as possible on this blog, and these are my real feelings. i hope they last. i hope that this is a permanent change that i'm feeling inside of me. i hope jake knows how much i love and appreciate him. we're finally in our groove after two years of marriage--this brings me so much happiness, you have no idea.
anyway, good night friends.