02 May 2009

hmm.

i've been doing some thinking this past week, which means i'm learning a few things about myself.  i sort of had a minor breakdown the other night (due to the washing machine flood incident), and immediately i felt ashamed, humiliated, and plain awful about myself. yes, only jake was there to witness this at midnight, but still... he shouldn't have to deal with that.  i guess i felt everything coming to a head in my mind.  just re-read that sentence and realized three key words: in my mind. you see, the world isn't out to get me.  i'm the only one that's out to get me.  i've actually improved a lot lately, in fact i've felt pretty proud of myself for, well, overcoming myself. there are so many things inside of me that i have been wanting to change.  so many things that i've been wanting to embrace.  so many things that i've wanted to keep just the same.  and i'm okay. 
not many know this, and i'm not writing this to get sympathy or anything, but jake and i miscarried again a few weeks ago.  it was disheartening, and i cried. and i felt sad.  but i didn't feel cheated, and i didn't feel angry at god like i did last time.  i have realized (and good friends and family have heard me say this over and over) that i have a serious jekyll side to me.  i mean, it's pretty bad.  after i miscarried those twins, i basically turned to the dark side of jenna in order to "deal" with whatever 50,000 emotions i was feeling. the truth is, i didn't understand what grief was and i didn't understand what it meant do "deal" with it.  this third miscarriage has taught me so much, and the most important thing i've been able to see is how bad i can get...how deep into depression i can fall and what that turns me into.  i've been able to take an outside look on the inside of me, and i've felt very calm and peaceful. this brings me to my next thought:
let me illustrate. for those of you who know me pretty well, you know that i appreciate a good shopping trip. i will be the first to admit that i love to shop and i love having new items to add to my wardrobe.  i used to be worse than i am now (and i think i've calmed down a lot), but i still have it in me. today i went to the mall for lunch and decided to stop in one of my favorite stores, urban outfitters. they have so many things that fall right into my category of style...i just love it. anyway, i found this amazing gold dress (i love gold), and it fit me perfectly.  even better, it was on sale for more than half off.  "no brainer," i would normally say.  but as i sat there and went back and forth on whether or not i should get it, i finally decided not to.  big step for me.  i left the mall feeling a little regret, thinking, "what if i do decide that i want it and then i come back and it's gone?" ridiculous, jenna. guess what?  i wasn't even thinking about it 15 minutes later. what i've learned is that i don't NEED hardly anything.  i need food.  i need shelter.  i need my husband (and want him too, i might add).  i need my family.  i need my friends.  these are things i cannot live without, but i can live without a lovely gold dress.  here is my point: i'm learning what's really important in life.  no, that doesn't mean i'll never splurge again or that my shopping days are over; let's be realistic here people.  but i'm beginning to understand that my life is a beautiful, fulfilling life. and it is up to me whether or not i'm going to enjoy it. i have more than enough of the things that i not only need, but also of the things that i want. right now, i have a pretty clear vision of what life is really all about.  i'm learning that i am allowed to have break downs every once in awhile, and that i'm okay even if i feel sad about something for a few days.  these are the human emotions that make me who i am.  these are the human emotions that help me to understand what happiness, laughter, kindness, joy, and excitement mean. i am learning that the gospel really keeps me grounded if i focus on it enough.  if i make time in my day to focus on that, my day goes much more smoothly and i'm able to feel closer to the one who made me.
this is a long post, i know.  but i try to be as real as possible on this blog, and these are my real feelings.  i hope they last.  i hope that this is a permanent change that i'm feeling inside of me. i hope jake knows how much i love and appreciate him.  we're finally in our groove after two years of marriage--this brings me so much happiness, you have no idea.  
anyway, good night friends.

19 comments:

Ani said...

you are the most honest person i know. it is really refreshing. you are also one of the strongest people i know. i am so glad i have you in my life.
goodnight dear friend.

Jennie said...

A lot of people with depression shop. (btw am NOT saying you have a clinical depression here, or anything). I once had a bi-polar boyfriend, and the only thing he had the power to do well was spend money. Lots of it. He was the only person I knew who had creme de la mer eye cream!
Shopping give a (false sense) of power over a situation. Way to go, exuding power by NOT shopping. For too long, our lives in our consumerist society has been defined by what we BUY. Break the mold. Be defined by what you DO. It's much more rewarding.
I'm sorry for your losses. Remember, that regardless of what's happened, that you have to LOVE and HONOR you body.

jenna said...

i.love.you. i needed to hear this so badly. we've always been two peas in a pod my sweet other jenna. i am convinced the world is out to get me {as you know.} we both could benefit a lot from seeing the bright and positive side of life couldn't we? i was so overjoyed when you told me you were pregnant again and am looking forward to the day when we can chase our little ones around yelling obscenities. i KNOW it will happen for you and jake.

Justin and Julie said...

Prayers for you, sweet girl.... Thank you for your honesty and your submission to His will! You are such a strong, brave woman and a great example to others. Thank you for your words...

*LAYLA and AUSTIN* said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and suffering that comes alone with that. I do know this, however, YOU are a STRONG woman. I knew that the first day I met you. You have a great spirit and a great heart and I know you can survive anything. Not only "survive" it but excel and progress through any trials you may endure in this lifetime. You are an amazing woman and sometimes we ALL have off days and sad days and bad days...we just have to wake up the next day and start a new. Thank you for sharing and being so honest on your blog. Read the quote I just posted on my blog. I think it is a reminder we all need to hear every once in a while.

Kelley said...

Jenna I seriously love you! You are so awesome. Thanks for sharing this and being so open and honest and REAL too. and be sure to keep in touch this summer!

Kelley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
callie said...

thank you so much for your honesty jenna. i think your feelings resonate with a lot of woman so your words go further than you probably even know or will ever know.

i actually had a miscarriage a few weeks ago too. gosh darn it. and yet i have 2 lil' beauties. even still, it is so hard to go through...but look at your view....this could have pushed you further from the Lord because of your previous miscarrriages; and it hasn't. its brought you closer. that's the most beautiful and worth while thing in this life...is for life experiences (no matter how tragic) to bring us closer to the Divine.

The Arthurs said...

Hey Jenna, I don't know if you remember me...I met you at the Platinum Moab retreat a little bit ago. Hope you don't mind me commenting even though we don't really know each other. :) Your post just really hit home with me. I know I've felt just how you are feeling so many times and I'm sure so many other have too. Life IS hard, I have to remind myself all the time that it's SUPPOSED to be hard, because we are here to learn and grow. From reading just a little bit of your blog I can tell what a strong person you are, and that really inspires me to want to try harder to not get so down on myself and, as you said, think the world is out to get me. Thanks for sharing your feelings. It's nice to know that other people feel the same way :)
--Jennifer

Rachel said...

Jenna I love your honesty. By the way, have you seen Confessions of a Shopaholic? Hilarious. Anyway, I've read all the previous comments that people have put, and they've pretty much said what I felt: you're a strong, wonderful woman. And it's okay to have hard days. Jake knew that going into the marriage and as long as you show how much you appreciate him (which you do), y'all are doing all right. Your post made me think of the Corrie ten Boom quote:
"There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still." Love you!

April said...

Jenna,
I heart breaks for you. I understand the desire and pain of wanting a baby with nothing but heart break. Keep believing. Already I can see that God is making you stronger because of what you are going through. I know that is no comfort now, but if we are all able to take a step back from the here and now, we can see some of the bigger picture that is our purpose. I love you. I will pray for you. And if you want to talk about fertility treatments or anything else, give me a call.

Andi said...

wow jenna... totally see what you mean here. for the record, you are amazing. and you get it. and i think we should go buy that gold dress. to say you've made huge progress is an understatement. you know i love you.

SJ said...

As tave myliu labai karstai!! As taip zinau kad tu esi labai stipri (strong). Dievas tave myli labai karstai ir as tai pat zinau kad Dieva myli Jake! As sake malda del taves ir jake kiek viena vakara!!

Su daug mailes,

Sarah

The Mortensens said...

I hope this isn't too creepy, but I came across your blog from Katie Brewer's....I just wanted to let you know I have been through a few miscarriages myself. I could really relate to your post. There is not a lot of help out there with learning how to deal with that kind of death. Sometimes it is comforting to know someone knows exactly what you are going through. Good luck with everything!!

Kate McNeil said...

Oh, I'm so sorry Jenna. I am glad you are keeping your chin up though. Life isn't meant to be easy, but I'm sorry you have to go through this. Love you always.

Kate McNeil said...

p.s. I know you're a Coldplay fan but just a reminder, "Everything's Not Lost" works wonders for moments like these. xoxo.

Canadian Princess said...

I think I might argue that you are much stronger than I my dear Jenna!!! I'm very sorry and will be praying for you and Jake!

btw...I loved the freckles post and hope you don't mind I talked about and linked it on a post I did yesterday! THANK YOU!!!

McKell and John said...

So so so sorry Jenna. You're making lemonade out of lemons! I love reading your deep thoughts. They inspire me.

KEH said...

you are my hero.