18 August 2009

words.

sometimes i am really good with words. i'm a reader. i'm a writer. i'm an editor-- words are my life, it seems. everything i do revolves around words. i have found, though, that one of my greatest weaknesses has to do with words as well. i was told by someone the other week that he/she notices that i hardly ever give people the benefit of the doubt. i guess i assume the worst-- i never realized this about me until that moment, when those words hit me like a ton of bricks. i disagreed with the statement at first, but it haunted me for days and days to come. i always thought of myself as someone who actually DOES give people the benefit of the doubt-- that i assume someone is just having a hard day, or that i automatically assume that there are better things about so and so that i just don't know about yet. however, nobody is perfect. and i'm learning that there are more moments than i even want to recognize where, yes, i don't give people the benefit of the doubt. when did i become this way? when did that happen? i never wanted to be that way, someone who was a closet pessimist. i feel like i know how to be positive-- i've had plenty of moments where i've practiced that and have felt success. but there are times recently where i hear cutting words come out of my mouth, or even cutting words that stay in my mind but nonetheless, they are there. i assume things before i get the facts. i occasionally, and more often than not, assume the worst. this is something that i've recently felt so ashamed of. i feel like i've made constant efforts over the past few years to really better myself in more ways than one. i've made it a serious matter of prayer. i've poured out my soul over it, with many many tears along the way. i've given things over to a greater power because i simply am not strong enough to do it myself. and i feel like i've taken a few steps back all of a sudden... like my efforts are now all in vain. i recently hurt someone i love very much, and i hurt them using my words and assuming the worst. i had a humbling moment when it all came clear and i realized that this person was right. and i cried. and i felt horrible about it. funny how it always seems to be the case that we hurt the ones we love the most. words. i'm learning to be so careful with my words, whether they are spoken out loud or kept in a deep place in the back of my head. be careful with words, jenna. anyway, i don't know why i'm writing about all of this right now, but as menacing as words can be, they also heal me in very many ways, which is probably why i'm writing all this out. i need to write. i need to write. what else do i have if i can't even express myself with these words? i'm growing as always. a lot of those growing moments for me have been hard ones, hard but necessary. this is what life is all about.

8 comments:

Breanne King said...

don't worry, you're a great person! I do that too--tell me if you come up with a good way to be positive about people. I need all the help I can get.

jenna said...

i feel like i'm always offending people. what's sad is i ALWAYS have the best of intentions. i never maliciously set out to hurt someone's feelings.

i know you are the same. while it doesn't make what you said better, remember to find solace and peace in the fact that you are doing your best and striving to learn and improve each day. i love you!

Philip and Mandy said...

everyone has weaknesses, and the most important thing is that we recognize them. and if we don't, the Lord will be there to point them out, humble us. and that's okay, because life is all about progression, and that's exactly what you are doing.
i completely admire that you can lay it all out there. your words have touched me, and made me realize that i, too, need to be more careful to think more positively and give people the benefit of the doubt as well.

Annalisa said...

totally true...words are very tricky. its easier for me to write sometimes because then i get all the words in the right order. talking and speaking words...not so much. i'm learning to curb my tongue because i've come off as tactless, its my weakness. one day, i'll say the right thing and not offend.

smiles! thanks for the post.

Erin said...

This is a very interesting post to me for a few reasons. First it makes me feel better because I've had the same struggle lately. And second it's interesting because just a few days ago I was reading your blog and thought "she is someone who truely loves!" You seem to be a person who loves all people and things.

You should try reading the book The Four Agreements. It's a really good book that helps with this and other internal delemas. I really enjoy it and read it often as it is a good reminder for me. It's also a super easy, fast read. I dont agree with every word of the book but 99% of it is AMAZING!

Anyway, good for you for recognizing things that you can improve about yourself, but from what I can tell you are doing awesome! < HUGS >

Morgan said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. You said that you didn't know why you were writing it, but I think there was a reason. You may not have realized it, but you were helping other people. At times, I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world who makes mistakes. Then I have to remind myself that we all do. It's a part of life. We'd never learn anything if we were perfect. You probably already knew all of that, but for some reason I just felt like saying it.

Rachel said...

Words are such a beautiful thing, but can be so hurtful at the same time. I don't think you took a step back. You learned from your experience and now you're a better person because of it. You're amazing Jenna!

Andi said...

this is why we are soulmates... i love that you are so self-reflective. this is what makes you who you are. and believe me, these are realizations that come from taking steps forward, not back. oh, and apology accepted. ha!