18 August 2009
sometimes i am really good with words. i'm a reader. i'm a writer. i'm an editor-- words are my life, it seems. everything i do revolves around words. i have found, though, that one of my greatest weaknesses has to do with words as well. i was told by someone the other week that he/she notices that i hardly ever give people the benefit of the doubt. i guess i assume the worst-- i never realized this about me until that moment, when those words hit me like a ton of bricks. i disagreed with the statement at first, but it haunted me for days and days to come. i always thought of myself as someone who actually DOES give people the benefit of the doubt-- that i assume someone is just having a hard day, or that i automatically assume that there are better things about so and so that i just don't know about yet. however, nobody is perfect. and i'm learning that there are more moments than i even want to recognize where, yes, i don't give people the benefit of the doubt. when did i become this way? when did that happen? i never wanted to be that way, someone who was a closet pessimist. i feel like i know how to be positive-- i've had plenty of moments where i've practiced that and have felt success. but there are times recently where i hear cutting words come out of my mouth, or even cutting words that stay in my mind but nonetheless, they are there. i assume things before i get the facts. i occasionally, and more often than not, assume the worst. this is something that i've recently felt so ashamed of. i feel like i've made constant efforts over the past few years to really better myself in more ways than one. i've made it a serious matter of prayer. i've poured out my soul over it, with many many tears along the way. i've given things over to a greater power because i simply am not strong enough to do it myself. and i feel like i've taken a few steps back all of a sudden... like my efforts are now all in vain. i recently hurt someone i love very much, and i hurt them using my words and assuming the worst. i had a humbling moment when it all came clear and i realized that this person was right. and i cried. and i felt horrible about it. funny how it always seems to be the case that we hurt the ones we love the most. words. i'm learning to be so careful with my words, whether they are spoken out loud or kept in a deep place in the back of my head. be careful with words, jenna. anyway, i don't know why i'm writing about all of this right now, but as menacing as words can be, they also heal me in very many ways, which is probably why i'm writing all this out. i need to write. i need to write. what else do i have if i can't even express myself with these words? i'm growing as always. a lot of those growing moments for me have been hard ones, hard but necessary. this is what life is all about.