feeling tired but happy.

life has changed, and it's a good change. it's amazing the adjustments you have to make after having a baby. to be honest, i feel like i don't have much to complain about. how could i? i feel really blessed to have goldie-- she seriously makes me so happy i can't hardly stand it. sleep is not what it used to be, but then again, i feel like i haven't slept well in months. god is a genius in that way: he allows pregnant women to be so uncomfortable in the last month or so, not getting much sleep, so on and so on. we complain and feel sad about our sleepless nights, but when baby comes, we're almost used to it, aren't we? at least that's how i feel. goldie is pretty good though. she is a good eater and she sleeps pretty well at night. eat, change diaper, fall asleep for 2 hours. wake, eat, change diaper, fall asleep for 5 hours (yes it happened the other night. miracle). she doesn't cry very much, only after a bath when she feels really cold (this breaks my heart and i frantically put lotion and clothes on as fast as i can). but that's about it. i know she's only 6 days old and things can always change, but i feel thankful for what we have so far.

i would be lying if i said i don't get emotional. i get a little grouchy at night-- no idea why. i get emotional because my stitches will hurt, or my body aches a bit because i don't realize how i hunch over sometimes when i'm breast feeding. i am so bugged at myself for how i react in those moments of weakness where i let out my complaints. i'm not perfect, this i know. but i really feel like i can have a better attitude about it. yes, i'm in pain. so what. that pain is what brought me goldie, so how can i complain about that? yes, i'm tired. but would i trade those moments at night when she's done feeding and has a very satisfied smile across her chubby face? don't think so.

i didn't know i could feel so tired and so happy all at the same time. i feel like it's been a long time coming. i really am so thankful.

i've had so much help. my mom is here and basically has taken the reigns of the household. she finished all of our laundry yesterday. she's cooked us meals that will last us until next month (i'm not kidding. you should see my freezer). she has helped me organize places in my house that i've been avoiding for months. she holds goldie and loves her. jake also is an incredible dad/person/husband/provider. you all know how i feel about him. he has been working so hard the past week, getting so much done outside the home and in. he runs circles around me, offering me water, food, back rubs. he loves goldie so much--she is his prized possession. he always kisses her, calls her mrs. fancy, and he even has a good attitude when she projectiles bright yellow curry poop across the room and all over him. he laughs. this is why i love him.

my mother-in-law (and possibly jake's sisters and dad) is coming in a few weeks, and we're so excited to see her (them). goldie is so loved.

anyway, i'm basically feeling grateful about a lot in life right now. i'm learning a lot about myself... things i like, things i don't like. much i want to change. it's amazing how that works. i've written posts before about things/ways i want/need to change, and i swear every situation i'm presented with causes me to stop and reflect about how i need to be better. it doesn't overwhelm me too much though because i have a serious desire to actually BE better. easier said than done, we all know this. but i really believe it's possible. very possible.

all you need is faith, endurance, patience, and a little loving support.

i am capable of all of these things.