14 January 2010

feeling tired but happy.

life has changed, and it's a good change. it's amazing the adjustments you have to make after having a baby. to be honest, i feel like i don't have much to complain about. how could i? i feel really blessed to have goldie-- she seriously makes me so happy i can't hardly stand it. sleep is not what it used to be, but then again, i feel like i haven't slept well in months. god is a genius in that way: he allows pregnant women to be so uncomfortable in the last month or so, not getting much sleep, so on and so on. we complain and feel sad about our sleepless nights, but when baby comes, we're almost used to it, aren't we? at least that's how i feel. goldie is pretty good though. she is a good eater and she sleeps pretty well at night. eat, change diaper, fall asleep for 2 hours. wake, eat, change diaper, fall asleep for 5 hours (yes it happened the other night. miracle). she doesn't cry very much, only after a bath when she feels really cold (this breaks my heart and i frantically put lotion and clothes on as fast as i can). but that's about it. i know she's only 6 days old and things can always change, but i feel thankful for what we have so far.
i would be lying if i said i don't get emotional. i get a little grouchy at night-- no idea why. i get emotional because my stitches will hurt, or my body aches a bit because i don't realize how i hunch over sometimes when i'm breast feeding. i am so bugged at myself for how i react in those moments of weakness where i let out my complaints. i'm not perfect, this i know. but i really feel like i can have a better attitude about it. yes, i'm in pain. so what. that pain is what brought me goldie, so how can i complain about that? yes, i'm tired. but would i trade those moments at night when she's done feeding and has a very satisfied smile across her chubby face? don't think so.
i didn't know i could feel so tired and so happy all at the same time. i feel like it's been a long time coming. i really am so thankful.
i've had so much help. my mom is here and basically has taken the reigns of the household. she finished all of our laundry yesterday. she's cooked us meals that will last us until next month (i'm not kidding. you should see my freezer). she has helped me organize places in my house that i've been avoiding for months. she holds goldie and loves her. jake also is an incredible dad/person/husband/provider. you all know how i feel about him. he has been working so hard the past week, getting so much done outside the home and in. he runs circles around me, offering me water, food, back rubs. he loves goldie so much--she is his prized possession. he always kisses her, calls her mrs. fancy, and he even has a good attitude when she projectiles bright yellow curry poop across the room and all over him. he laughs. this is why i love him.
my mother-in-law (and possibly jake's sisters and dad) is coming in a few weeks, and we're so excited to see her (them). goldie is so loved.
anyway, i'm basically feeling grateful about a lot in life right now. i'm learning a lot about myself... things i like, things i don't like. much i want to change. it's amazing how that works. i've written posts before about things/ways i want/need to change, and i swear every situation i'm presented with causes me to stop and reflect about how i need to be better. it doesn't overwhelm me too much though because i have a serious desire to actually BE better. easier said than done, we all know this. but i really believe it's possible. very possible.
all you need is faith, endurance, patience, and a little loving support.
i am capable of all of these things.

12 comments:

Mel said...

I couldn't agree with you more about all of this you're saying! I feel that way OFTEN. When I am SO tired I can barely walk or hold my little Zurie & she is SCREAMING & I sometimes cry right along with her in frustration, but then she lets out a burp or something & quiets back down & snuggles into my chest & I thank Heavenly Father for her, & then I ask him for forgiveness. Ask him to forgive me for feeling frustrated & out of sorts. You are doing great & I am still trying to get the hang of it, but all in all it is an AMAZING journey & experience to be a momma & I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING! Hang in there!

Jennie said...

Be better how? Don't stretch yourself too thin right now. When Goldie sleeps, you sleep. That is the rule! This time is wonderful, among other things, but mostly wonderful. You and your kid are the center of the universe right now; milk it for as long as you can.

Becky said...

congrats on your little goldie! im a sucker for all that dark thick hair. its amazing how with mothering a child and now rounding up for number 2, the lord has made it very clear to what his plan is for me. I KNOW that he is LITERALLY shaping me into the person he desires me to be through and what I think to be only through being a mother, especially during the rough spots. it can get discouraging at times, but he's with you along the entire way. sounds like you are just normal and doing great. again, so happy for you three!

Ani said...

Amen sista!

abbie said...

so happy for you on this 6th day of motherhood! she is so darling. i had to laugh about being a hunchback from breastfeeding... i didn't realize i did that either and often wondered why the top of my back killllled! but you're right- it is amazing how we get through what is supposedly the crazy newborn phase.. it really isn't all that bad when you have the cutest little bundle to stare at all the time! congrats again, she is perfectioN!

The Perry's said...

Congratulations. Her is hair is absolutely adorable. I am a sucker for crazy hair. I know how you feel about getting frustrated at times. Kate is one and I still have my days or moments I wish I could take back. But patience is something I am sure I will be working on for a long time. I am just grateful I have the opportunity to be a mom which is probably one of the best lessons in patience you could ever ask for! Hang in there and seriously sleep when Goldie is asleep b/c when you are tired everything seems so much worse. Congrats again!

holtkamp said...

thank you for your realistic, fresh take on motherhood. you are such an inspiration!

SKV6 said...

what an honest post! love it! :) thank you for sharing...

Rachel said...

:) You're wonderful!

The Young Family Inc. said...

Please don't let her change too much before I get there. I love her more than any girl I've ever loved. Possibly more than my own kids. (They are shouting at me from the bath) I LOVE you! Thank you for this gift in my life!

jenna said...

'i am capable of all these things.'

yes you are sista. xoxo.

Les Curieux said...

Hello!
As a mother, and had a pos depression, after get my baby, i gona say, relax, and enjoy.
I the most stress woamn, and i trying to be better for my son, these isthe important, things dont need to be perfect.
All you and the baby need is love!
Xo and love,
Aline