23 February 2010

trust.

{photo taken during our trip to samoa}
all is quiet in my house.
lou-lou is sleeping (i've been calling her that lately. it started as goldie lou, then became lou-lou. anyway.) i woke up this morning, fed goldie. i put her in her crib, we slept some more, and then she woke up again a few hours later to eat. changed her diaper, fed her again, put her back in her crib. she didn't want to sleep apparently, so i took her back out and laid her on her side, facing me, in my bed with me. we just laid there and chatted for a bit-- she smiled at me many times and i smiled back. i tried to make her laugh, but i think she was too sleepy. she just smiled and smiled and slowly blinked. coo coo. gurgle. fake cry. smile.
we laid there in the dim sunlight and smiled.
i cherish moments like this. i really do.
unfortunately, we both had to get ready for my doctor's appointment. i have an itching problem...like a really severe itching problem. it all started two weeks after i had goldie; i have a few stretch marks on my lower stomach that were itching. i didn't think twice about it because i had heard from a lot of people that itchy stretch marks are normal. then the itching spread to other places on my body, mostly around my ankles, feet, and behind my knees. while i would itch, these horrible welts would form all over me. to this day, i have itched myself into oblivion. it keeps me up at night. i now have permanent welt-looking things around my ankles. i have made myself bleed and bruise from scratching so hard. i'm not even exaggerating. i wake up in the middle of the night itching my legs, and the only temporary solution i can come up with is taking an ice-cold bath. yeah. ask me how good THAT feels in the middle of the night. or ever, for that matter.
i have tried so many things. i went to see my doctor and he thought maybe it had to do with allergies. so we tried an antibiotic for that. no dice. i have gone through 4 tubes of benadryll anti-itch topical cream. i have tried herbal remedies. i've tried aroma therapy (rubbing walnut oil, almond oil, and tangerine oil on my itchy parts). all very temporary solutions.
since none of this was working, i decided to turn it over to the lord. what else could i do? jake gave me a very special, emotional blessing. he's been feeling pretty helpless as he watches me cry and itch myself to death. poor guy. poor me. poor us. blah. the blessing gave me a lot of comfort and a lot of peace. it helped me remember that i have a very loving heavenly father who knows exactly who i am and what i'm capable of. it helped me remember how to trust in the love of the savior and the power he has to heal.
a few days later, i was still itching. worse than ever before. with my blessing in mind, i knew i had done my best to be faithful. but being faithful doesn't mean sit by and be idle, at least in my opinion. we have to work sometimes for our blessings. we sometimes have to act in order to receive. so, i called my doctor again.
he set me up with a dermatologist, which is where goldie and i went today. it turns out i have eczema... really really bad eczema and PUPPP that formed after my pregnancy. he looked all over my body and looked at me and said, "wow. you must really be losing your sanity."
yes doctor. you have no idea.
after he prescribed me a bunch of different things, including another cream, i looked him square in the eye and said, "listen. i will not take any of this if it's going to hurt my baby. if this medicine is going to mess with my milk and hurt her in any way, i'd rather itch until i'm done breast feeding."
he assured me over and over that nothing would happen to her and that my milk would not be contaminated. so, i trusted him. he's been to school, he knows the side affects, he is quite old which means he has experience. i will trust him.
trust.
it made me think about how important trust is. i've had to deal with that word a lot lately i feel like.
i trust my doctor because he knows more than me. i trust him because i know he wouldn't be doing his job and wouldn't have spent all that money to go to years of school unless he sincerely wanted to help people. i could see it in his eyes. he loves what he does. so i will trust him.
goldie trusts me to take care of her to the best of my ability. to love her endlessly. to feed her good milk. to keep her warm. she trusts her dad to be the best at rocking her to sleep and making her smile. she trusts us as parents... otherwise she would have never picked us in the first place.
i trust jake to be a worthy priesthood holder. i trust him to work hard for our family, and know that he has and always will take care of us. i trust him to love me and goldie with all that he has. i trust him with my life. and goldie's too.
i trust my heavenly father. there have been many, many times where that trust has been lost on my part... where i've gotten selfish and childish and forgotten what it means to put trust in his plan for me. i have failed many times before, but i really feel like those experiences have made me stronger today than i ever have been. i trust him endlessly. i trust in his son, jesus christ. i know he died so that i could live. i have a wonderful life because of his sacrifice for me, and because of that sacrifice, i trust in his power to heal, to know, to understand, and to love me.
i trust in his plan. i trust in him.
so, i just think that the word TRUST can be a beautiful thing when handled with care. it makes me want to be more trustworthy. makes me want to be better.
anyway, all these thoughts spurred from my doctor's appointment today, so i thought i'd share.
good day.

7 comments:

Michelle said...

good post girl. love it

{Layla} said...

thank you for sharing this. you, my dear, have a way with words.

Megan said...

I had PUPPP after the birth of my babe. It took almost 2-3 weeks to go away, it's the pits. And my husband has eczema and he says Aquaphor helps heal it the best and not look so funky. Hope you get better soon!

Andi said...

but... you didn't really answer my real question though... do you trust ME? that's what people (me) care about.

Ali said...

You are the second person THIS WEEK that I've heard had PUPPP...and aren't only like less than 1% of preggo people affected?! Crazy. I feel for you. From what my friend has been saying it sounds like pure torture! Hopefully your new medications will help give you some relief! also, LOVED your passport story. It's amazing the changes that come with a baby. I too have become way more outspoken when the it comes to Paige. I guess that's what moms are for...to speak up when it comes to something with their child!

Jennie said...

With skin ailments it's an excellent idea to work from the inside out too. Ingest flaxseed oil daily, either in a smoothie or mixed with yoghurt. Don't skimp. Also, probiotics are always helpful. Need good bacteria for everything to work properly!

Bart and Jill said...

You know what I'd say, when in doubt, look it up. If you are worried about the antibiotics or other ointments and what they will do to your breastmilk, I would recommend looking up the ingredients online (not that all the answers online are right either). It's good to trust your doctor but honestly, from experience, they don't always know everything. Also, from experience, eczema can often times be a result of allergies, not just food allergies but skin products, clothing material, etc.