photo found here
i am in love with this room. maybe one day?
i have so many thoughts. what is happening in my crazy life?? good things... very good things. too bad i know all of you readers so well and i know that you're wondering, "was this second baby planned? are they insane? wait, how old is goldie?" i am more than happy to answer those questions and then some, because i feel like once again, this baby is another miracle. goldie was one for sure. i'm almost positive that all my children will be special little miracles for us. could it be any other way? don't think so.
since goldie was born, i have had serious promptings to get pregnant again. trust me, in my own mind i was always thinking, "you're freaking crazy. what is wrong with you. easy, tiger." but soon enough i realized those promptings were coming from somewhere up above, and in my opinion, you can't really mess with those kinds of feelings. they became so strong that i felt like if i didn't listen and put a little faith in the plan that's been set in stone for me and my growing family, i might be in some big trouble later. no thank you.
the thing about putting faith before reason is that it's a little difficult. it hasn't always been easy for me to get pregnant, and if i do get pregnant, they don't always last. it's sensitive for me, but i just try to get over it a little bit and do the best that i can. two babies so close together seemed like almost an impossible feat. however, i always felt in the deepest parts of my heart that goldie was one of my very special twins that i lost so long ago. i feel like she was the "stronger" one... the one that lived just a few weeks longer. she got a second chance because i feel like she's got some serious work to do here on this earth. goldie is truly an incredible person. she spreads happiness every where she goes, i'm not joking. she smiles at strangers, laughs at things that shouldn't be that funny (like her dork mom making ugly/trying-to-be-funny faces at her)... she just knows how to make people feel good. i'm really interested to see where she goes in this life. wherever it will be, i know it will be so awesome.
because i always felt that goldie was one of those twins, i figured that maybe the reason i was prompted to get pregnant again so soon is that the other one wanted to come down and be with his/her sister. if they couldn't come together, at least they would be as close as possible. i know that they will be the best of friends. i know that they will take care of each other. i know that goldie will be such a good big sister-- the perfect little helper. what more could i ask for? i get a little emotional even thinking about it.
jake and i began discussing getting pregnant again just a few months after goldie was born. without going into too much detail, i got my period again when goldie turned two months old. my first reaction was: how unfair is that? aren't i supposed to be period-free for at least 8 months or something? geez. little did i know that there was a greater purpose, a greater plan. heavenly father knows me so much better than i know myself. and when he wants something done, boy does he make it happen. i've had those kinds of experiences so many times in my life, i don't know why i doubted that he would work his miracles again. god is great, my friends. god is great.
obviously i started the pill when mother nature came back again. i was only on it for a few months, and then we decided to be done with it and go for baby number two. we weren't sure how long it would take, and we wanted them to be semi-close together, so we figured we start and it would take at least a few months or something. well, i stopped taking the pill and i never got my period again. simply put, i got pregnant while on the pill. didn't i tell you that when heavenly father wants something done, he gets it done? miracles. so. many. miracles.
so that brings us to now. i went to the doctor a few weeks ago, thinking that i would be around 10 weeks since i haven't had a period since may. the ultrasound read that i was only 6 weeks, which makes ZERO sense to me. either way, the ultra sound doesn't lie. my due date is march 9, just a year and two months after goldie was born. they will be 14 months apart... sort of amazing. and here's the kicker. march 9 was the exact due date of the twins. in my humble opinion, that is no coincidence. it just proves my theory, and it proves that heavenly father seriously knows what he's doing. i am so, so thankful.
we are excited for this second baby. however, if i'm being completely honest, it's a little bittersweet for me. i am so in love with goldie and i almost feel like i'm cheating on her-- silly, i know. i'm doing my best to soak up every minute i have alone with her, because pretty soon she'll have to share the spotlight and i'm wondering how that's going to go. you know what though? she is so sweet, so loving, so happy and go-with-the-flow that i really bet she'll just love the baby more than i ever thought possible. i wish you all knew goldie.. she is the most wonderful creature. okay, i'll stop. but i just can't help it. being a mother of two doesn't overwhelm me so much (yet...), if i'm being honest. i'm sure once it happens i'm going to be like, wooooah this is a little bit insane. but for now, i just feel like it's going to be okay. yes, i'll probably feel pretty tired and yes having two babies so close together might get a little crazy every once in awhile, but i know that things are just happening exactly how they're supposed to be happening. i wouldn't have it any other way. again, i am very thankful and feel incredibly blessed.
sometimes i forget that i'm pregnant, but only for a second. i haven't thrown up yet (which is a christmas miracle), but i am pretty much nauseous all the time. i think that's worse. with my other pregnancies i have been so sick that i barely made it out of bed. or i would feel sick all of a sudden, throw up, and be done with it. move on with my day. but throwing up gave me relief, which i can appreciate now. i'm 9.5 weeks along, and i'm looking forward to the second trimester as always. as for my body, wellllllllllllllllllll what can i say about it? i am what i am. i eat as best as i can. i sort of exercise, but not as much as i did with goldie. i'm a little softer but whatever. you do the best you can, right? jake is sweet and tells me often that i look good. bless him. most days i don't shower until 6 pm, but i'm trying to be better.
oh anyway, all of a sudden i'm sick of typing and just want to lay down before goldie wakes up from her afternoon nap. things haven't always gone the way that i wanted them to in my life, and i think that's pretty common. but if i can be CERTAIN about one thing, it is this: god knows better than i do. when i put my life into his hands, good things happen (even if it's not on my timing). i've learned to be patient. i've learned to listen even when i'm not understanding why or how. i've learned to trust. because of these things, i feel a deeper happiness than i thought was possible. don't get me wrong... there is nothing perfect about my life. my marriage isn't perfect, my personality isn't perfect, etc. etc. etc. but, when you have two people who are doing their best to work at a very good goal, good things happen. jake is simply the best, in my opinion-- i am very lucky to have him. he even skipped the gym today so that i could sleep a little bit longer while he played with goldie girl. anyone who knows jake knows that skipping the gym was kind of a big sacrifice for him. anyway, you get my point.
hope you're having a great day. much love to all.