27 November 2010
i took a nap today, which was stupid. i normally don't take naps because if i do, i can't sleep at night. it's almost midnight and i'm wasting time on the internet while sitting in my bed. case in point. i just couldn't keep my eyes open today-- i am feeling odd lately. slightly blue. slightly overwhelmed and don't even know why. when i try to articulate how i'm feeling, i simply can't because i don't know how. and if i attempt at it, i become this completely scatter-brained freak who doesn't make any sense and confuses her husband. then i become even more frustrated. then i usually cry. sometimes i yell. it's sad and sort of ridiculous, but it's how i'm feeling and it is what it is.
i don't know when it all started really... maybe a few days ago? the beginning of the week? monday? it's like, all of a sudden i started thinking about my life, who i am, what my role is, the importance of still feeling like i'm an individual, the importance of being a mom and a wife (very separate roles, mind you), thanksgiving, christmas shopping, my future, having broader shoulders, bearing more children... it was like a swoop of emotions took over and i started to freak out a little bit. i've been pretty even keeled lately, which i'm proud of, but this week has been a little bit of a doozy (how do you even spell that word anyway). my birthday was monday and it was a perfect day. i woke up on tuesday realizing that i was 26 years old and i felt okay about it. birthdays are not a big deal to me.. i never announce that mine is "in 5 days!!!!!!!!" or anything like that. honestly jake usually reminds me that my birthday is coming up and i'm like, "oh yeah, it is huh." i used to cry when i was little when anyone sang me the birthday song. i didn't like being in the spotlight and i didn't like the attention. what a weird kid. i don't cry anymore these days when the song is sung, but i still don't like being the center of it all. anyway, i'm going off on a tangent. back to the task at hand... is there even a task? no. see what i mean? i'm already becoming super random and i can't even keep track of what it is i'm even trying to write about. it's even worse when i'm word-vomiting out of my mouth. so.
getting older isn't a big deal to me. some people freak out, some people love it, i know a lot of people that hate it. for me? meh. just another day. and then for some reason on tuesday, i had a few people ask me to do a few things-- and they were simple things. one was an editing request, and the other was a photo request (send some photos, no big thing). i don't know what happened but i started to get really overwhelmed. it's like everything inside of me clenched up and i started to get stressed. stressed about what?.... you might be asking. exactly. there really is nothing to be stressed about. but when those moments happen, the clenching up tight moments where i can't express myself and i just want to sit down and die... those moments bring me back to the dark days after the twins went away and i do not like when that happens. it hasn't happened for a really long time, and i have no idea what triggered it, but it made me nervous. later that night, i calmly talked to jake about it and he made me feel better.
wednesday came and went... i don't even remember wednesday. my days run together so bad to the point where i lose track of the date, time, year... geez. then it was thanksgiving and i had a meltdown. remember how i talk publicly about this crap? anyway, something was said to me and it triggered frustration and i sort of lost it for a little bit. it was a huge moment of weakness, one that i feel like i haven't had to deal with for a good few months now, at least (huge accomplishment for me), and here it was in all it's ugliness, staring me in the face and jumping into my body and brain, possessing me and making me into a crazy person. or at least i like that version better than me full-on admitting that i lose control of my emotions sometimes and end up throwing something and crying really hard. not so perfect.. that's me. all in all, we ended up having a good day and evening and i was fine. but then night came and i got offended by something jake said to me because i am SUPER sensitive and my hormones are not helping anything... and we're back to square one of crazy jenna.
it's embarrassing to admit one's faults and weaknesses. i have so many. so. many. and i know everyone does and it's a normal part of life, whatever. but it is very important to me to harness the negative things about myself and to do everything i can to improve them and to become better somehow. what is so disheartening, though, is when i make an improvement and think that i've solved whatever psycho thing i'm dealing with and then two months later it happens again (this week is a perfect example). it's annoying and it drives me crazy. so then it's back to square one and i'm thinking to myself... okay, really? when is this going to stop permanently? maybe it never will...but i refuse to believe that or else my entire purpose in this life to improve and be better than i was yesterday is just flushed down the toilet, out to the ocean, never to be seen again.
when i get really upset, i end up jumping from one thing that's frustrating me to another...they usually are not related in any way, which puts me at my scatter-brained best. i cried a lot last night and through my random tears was yelling at my husband who sat there probably wondering where his wife went and who this psycho was. but i felt sad and i felt frustrated and i felt completely misunderstood. i believe that there are 3 human conditions (human conditions meaning that no matter how different we all are, there are 3 things that i believe every person in this world has in common). 1: we all need to be loved; 2: we all need to be needed; and 3: we all need to be understood. i can't get too detailed about some of the stuff i'm REALLY feeling because honestly, it's just too personal. but when i feel like a few of those human conditions are not happening for me, it puts me into a slight panic mode... which is what i think happened to me this week. it's hard for me right now to find balance in my life, because if you want me to be completely honest, i am feeling sorry for myself and i want someone else to understand that and to feel sorry for me too. isn't that pathetic? this is the raw jenna, my friends, up close and personal. but if i can be honest for just one second and then i'll be done, i am feeling tired. i'm tired, i'm large, and i can't do things as easily as i could a few months ago. it's frustrating to me that i can't bend over my bathtub as easily to clean the freaking thing. it's frustrating to me that i can't sleep as well, or that i can't move as fast as i used to. i know it won't be like this forever, but right now, it's hard for me. i was telling jake last night that i feel like i have no outlets. usually when i'm feeling frustrated i do one of two things: i clean like a madwoman, or i go running. neither of those can i really do right now because of my body. large belly means serious limitations, and that's okay. but i need to figure something else out because if i don't let all this stuff out, i end up doing what i did on thanksgiving and that is something i don't accept of myself. not allowed.
balance. where did you go? you used to be so prevalent in my life and now i can't find you. come back to me, please. i'm begging you. life = change, and i'm always one to embrace change and to take on new things, you know the drill. i accept it willingly. i know that life is changing and i just need to re-adjust myself and sit back for a second, breath, and figure out what my needs are and how i'm going to handle things. i feel like a lot is all of a sudden required of me, more so than ever in my life before, and i'm feeling overwhelmed about it. sometimes i don't allow myself to be human and say, that's okay jenna. you're allowed to feel this way.... not forever, but for a moment you can. you'll figure it out, you always do. and you're never given more than you can handle, so just take a breath and face whatever it is you need to face. finding my breath right now seems like the hard part. maybe i'm just having a bad week. maybe i needed to have those weak moments to remind myself that i am not a perfect being and that once again, i need to remember what it means to just be calm and understand myself.
i was having a weird moment today. goldie was asleep and jake had just left to go do a few errands. my house was oddly quiet. i was sitting up in my room folding three baskets of laundry, completely in a daze, staring into the corner of the room. i was praying though, giving up my weaknesses and finally admitting that i need some help. like, big time. and now please. i asked for advice, for something.. anything... i just kept folding and folding. i didn't have a huge moment of peace, and i didn't feel any arms wrapping around me. however, i did get an answer. it was very practical. came to me very calmly, in my own voice in my head. and it made sense. now doing it is going to be the hard part.
i don't know why i'm writing all this down-- probably because it feels like an outlet. but what i really want to shout from the rooftops is that i still matter. i'm still me. i'm still a woman who has needs of her own and who wants to be recognized in more ways than one. you know what i mean? motherhood is hard in that way. it is the single most important and rewarding thing i've ever done. my daughter means the world to me... anyone who knows me knows that that statement is true. and as much as i SERIOUSLY appreciate when i'm told that i am such a good mother (i'm not kidding, it is the best compliment i could've ever asked for), i still want to be recognized for being jenna too. i am jenna the mother, and i am jenna the wife, and i am jenna the jenna. i am still me, and i'm important too.
enough for one night. my butt is numb for sitting in the same position for too long. my baby is sick and will probably wake up a few times this night, which means i need to go to sleep so that i can be ready to snuggle her for a few minutes here and there. goodnight.