20 January 2011

r... r.... r.... you going to the mall today, is what i was asking.

i've been thinking lately about this here blog... why i blog in the first place, what my purpose is with this blog.  the answer?  i don't know.  does there have to be a purpose?  do i have to have a reason?  not really.  i've said this before, but blogging is kind of a creative outlet for me.  i don't even like the word "blogging" because i feel like it's so trendy.  blogs, themselves, are so trendy. have you noticed?

have you also noticed that i haven't really written down many thoughts these days?  just pictures and whatnot.  i guess the reason i haven't written much is that i am incredibly emotional about having a second child.  i may have bawled my eyes out last night in bed (i mean, like sobbed) because i don't know how to divide my love between goldie and this baby that i don't even really know yet.  anyone who has a second kid knows this feeling, i'm sure.  and i will never understand it until the day comes when this baby finally makes her way into the world (something i'm really looking forward to).  no advice needed really.  just lots of thoughts running in and out and in and out and i can't seem to control them.  it's just kind of surreal that i only have weeks left and then life will change big time and i might lose my mind here and there but mostly i think i will hopefully feel blissfully happy that i'm doing what i've always wanted to do:  build a family and write run-on sentences just because i can.

i have this blog because i need this blog.  i never created a blog expecting to have readers that i don't know, i simply wanted  a way to express myself: writing is important to me.  writing and reading.  i think about getting my masters someday (and then laugh and wonder, HOW AND WHEN), but really... i feel like i've been given so many talents, i.e. writing and my ability to read and understand things quickly, and i can't let those talents fade.  did you know i play the violin?  did you know that i started when i was 10 years old, fell in love with the instrument, took private lessons for 5 years and played in a symphony all through high school? did you know i used to do duets and solos during the summer with my private teacher in front of big crowds?  did you know that i've completely let that talent go because all of a sudden life got in the way?  school.  tests.  studying.  friends.  no time to join a symphony.  did you know i completely regret it?  i always tell myself that i'll pick it up again one day-- join a local orchestra or something, take some lessons, get my fingers rolling again... and i'm hanging on that hope that it will really happen.  point is:  i don't want to let writing and reading go like i did the violin... hence, this here blog.

i also think my daughter goldie is pretty freaking sweet in all areas of life.  i have no shame bragging about her... obviously.  but she is so fun and happy and is the entertainer of this family.  she makes me smile every single day, multiple times a day.  she hangs with me at the grocery store, costco, the mall, in the car, while i'm cooking, in the tub... i mean the girl is attached to me and i'm happy about it, pregnant and all.  maybe that's why i'm struggling with the idea of balancing time/love/attention between two.

people keep saying, "you're life is about to get crazy."  thanks, yeah.  guess what?  it was my decision to get pregnant when we did.  well, jake's too obviously.  but we chose this, we understand it will get intense at times, but what i do know is that our lives have ONLY improved and become better since goldie came into the world.  we're more relaxed, we're happier, our marriage is better, we laugh more, we're just chilled out.  i can only imagine it getting better, so don't rain on my parade, okay?  join it instead.  we'll all be happier.

i read this article, which i highly recommend reading, and it made me laugh and made me happy.  my blog is not popular, nor will it ever be.  i'll never have 10,000 followers or whatever because let's be honest, i'm not hip and my husband doesn't wear v-neck sweaters and our lives are pretty normal.  i write about my imperfections a lot because hellloooooo... it's an outlet to express that i'm frustrated about things.  i don't go into too much detail about our personal lives but enough to make myself feel better.  i write on this blog because i want to, ya know?  if i can influence someone for the better or make someone feel better about themselves because they can relate to some random thing i happen to be writing about, then that makes me happy.  i love relating to people, and i love when people are like... holy crap i've been feeling the same way.  makes me feel normal.  yes, i'm a mormon.  and my life isn't perfect, but a lot of days it's pretty great.  a lot of days it's not.  mormons are just like normal people, if you haven't noticed.  we dance, party (without alcohol, so what?), and live normal lives.  according to the article, we're just a little more positive about it all and we actually love our husbands and enjoy rearing children.  sort of a stereotype, but i fall into that category and i feel great about it.  but you listen here and listen good:  life isn't always flowers and candy and gum drops.  with that said though, there is a deeply-rooted faith that i have (and it's taken me awhile to get there) that allows me to feel peace and comfort even through the hardest trials.  and trust me, i've had some hard ones.  but that faith has developed because of my religion.  there's not denying that.

i'm rambling.  i'll stop.  just read the article-- it's fun.

anyway, i don't really have much else to say.  it's 11 pm and i'm going to try and be responsible and just go to sleep like a normal person.  no more food network... you've already seen this episode of iron chef, jenna.



okay, snack first, then bed.  goodnight friends.

{sources for images are found on my tumblr}

19 comments:

jenna said...

seems silly to comment on your blog since i could just get on the phone & call you.....but can i just publicly declare my love for you? you always put in to words the things i wish i could say. how i find myself in the exact place as you where the relationship with my husband, son, heavenly father, take priority by choice not by force. that even though having children, growing our families, growing our talents, maintaining friendships are choices we make, doesn't make the task less difficult. you can do this jenna. and i know you know you can do it. and though my heart aches for a second baby, when i'm holding & singing to my 2 year old, i can't help but think how i could ever love another?! love multiplies not divides right? at least that's what i'm counting on :) this next little spirit is blessed to come in to the vela home and i love her already.

p.s. my husband doesn't wear v neck sweaters haha i laughed out loud.

Morgan said...

Try not to worry too much. I have a feeling that it's completely normal to be feeling stressed/worried/apprehensive with a second baby on the way, but just remember that Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle. You are more than capable of being a wonderful mother to two babies. You're probably capable of way more than you even realize. I think that's the case for most people. Life hands us a challenge, and we think, "I CAN'T DO THIS," and then, miraculously, we do it. You can do this.

I read that article the other day and I was a little confused as to what I should think about it. I knew that there was a lot of truth in it, but I couldn't figure out why it is that Mormons are generally more positive people. I think you made a really good point. It's not that our lives are any eaiser than anyone else's. We're not perfect and we have plenty of challenges, just like everyone else in the world, but I think you're right. The gospel provides us with a wonderful foundation that makes it so much easier to be positive through our trials.

Thanks for always being so open and honest on your blog. You've helped me so much through the things that you've chosen to share. And thanks for sharing those images. I love them.

miss katie said...

hey jenna,
its funny you mention the violin. i've been thinking a lot about digging through our storage unit and pulling out my viola. one of my friends plays in our church band and i'm seriously so jealous every sunday. i say do it. i bet the new babe will LOVE hearing you play!

Ali said...

don't even get me started about the emotions surrounding adding the second baby! for 2 weeks before brynn came I would stand over paige's crib after she was asleep and bawl because it would no longer be just me and her. then, right after brynn came I would bawl because I couldn't give either baby the attention that I wanted to. It is definitely a balancing act that I am still totally trying to figure out. i know one day I will be the mom I picture me being - emotions in check and all! can't wait til your new baby is here - it will be great...I'm excited for you!!

Mrs. Blimes said...

I just gotta say, I love your writing. Whenever I stop by your blog I feel understood and uplifted. We may not know eachother like at all but I'm pretty sure we're soul sisters :o) just sayin.

And you should most definitely pick up that violin again! I just began picking up my guitar again and it is so so good for the soul.

There ya go, a totally random comment from a totally random blog stalker! Just know your writing brightens my day!

Nellie said...

Well, I love your blog no matter what your reasons are so keep it up! As far as the emotional business surrounding #2....that was the hardest part for me of having #2. When Paris was born, I was thrilled of course, but for the first few weeks I just wished someone else would come take care of her so that I could just hang with Savannah the way I was used to. i was so used to being with just her every second and I was so upset about not being able to do that anymore. I remember just bawling and saying that Savannah would be traumatized by having her mother/best friend suddenly taken away from her for half the time, blah, blah, blah. Needless to say, we all survived, within a few weeks I felt ok about all of it, we adjusted, and now Savannah and Paris are absolutely attached at the hip and the best of friends...they would both much rather play and hang out together than with me! I LOVE their closeness in age, even though it was hard at the beginning. Now they are a bit older they just play together all day long and it is AWESOME! So hang in there and know you will still have tons of one-on-one moments with Goldie and she will not feel neglected in the slightest even if you feel that way when you have to divide your attention. Your attitude is great and everything will be fine!

Brittny said...

Jenna! You are amazing! I love reading your blog. You are an awesome person inside and out, and I really think that you will be an even better mom with two!:) Don't worry about a thing, remember that when you are pregnant, and even after, you are a little emotional (I was a lot:).
I too read that article the other day. (ps I was laughing out loud when you said that your husband doesn't wear v-neck sweaters, I'm still dying. haha). For parts of the article I was laughing and others I was confused. People that don't have a strong faith in the gospel, don't understand that we know the true meaning of life. That's what makes us have the love we do for our families and create a "perfect" home were the spirit can reside. Anyways, enough about that... I think you are absolutely great! Thanks for the post:)

Jodi Pitchforth said...

dr. laura (yes i love her) always says that love doesn't get divided among people (or children), it multiplies.

Maleen said...

After having a couple kids I realized that I could probably love a hundred, but there wouldn't be enough of me to go around. I still spend some days wishing there was more of me to help kids practice piano, read, play, snuggle. I think the phrase I use around here the most is, "Just a minute." There is just not enough time. But love...

...there is always enough love. And the love is different, but equal. You will have Goldie love, and then new baby love. And you'll add it to your Jake love and your heart will grow in all the right places. But sadly, you will not grow more arms.

That's how the Lord wanted it, I guess.

Andrea said...

10 points for Jake first off. Boo for Vnecks.

I have no clue how we'll do it. No clue. But we will. Somehow our moms did it with more than one - and I never felt deprived of love. Did you? :) I cry daily thinking about it too, but sometimes thinking is worse than doing - the thought more intimidating than actually having two (or 3) on the ground.

You can do it! And those days that you are going insane, you can call me b/c I'm pretty sure I'll be insanier (i made up that word).

Kyle and Nicky said...

Jenna - I freaking love your blog. I hope that you never stop writing, somehow you write what I'm thinking in a much more eloquent way than I can. I understand what you mean about missing things that were so important years ago. Did you know that I play piano and haven't in YEARS. I also can understand what you're worried about having baby #2. I think that's why we haven't had kids yet. I'm scared to death about splitting my time up between Kyle, me, Toby (let's be honest, he is my family too!) and a baby. And even though we do want kids some day, I'm terrified of the change it will bring about! Let meknow if you ever need anything, I'm here for you. And, if anybody can do it all, it's you. You are freaking super woman. Oh, and I don't think Kyle would even get near a V-neck sweater either. I'm lucky to get him jeans and a button up! haha.

Andrew and Jenna said...

I'm a friend of Jenna R's (yes, another Jenna) and I started reading your blog recently. I guess that makes me a bit of a stalker, but now I'm out of the closet! Your blog is so real and well written and I love it! I think our babies are really close in age, and I just wanted to tell you that you are superwoman for doing it all over again. Heavenly Father would never give you more than you can handle, so apparently, two is going to be no problem for you!

holtkamp said...

i didn't know you play violin! what an awesome talent (among your many others!) love you! and your blog :) -jen

Sunday said...

Loved the article. Love your blog. Love your pics. 'Nuff said.

--Rachel

Nila said...

So here's the thing about love. You don't have a limited quantity of love to divide among the people in your life. Goldie gets to keep all you've given her, and God gives you a big new chunk of love to share with the new baby. The more kids you have, the greater is your ability to love each one without taking from the others. No one has to share their portion with anyone else. Cool how that works, huh!

Brian said...

So now I find out that you have been laughing at me all these years because I wear v-neck sweaters! That hurts...really hurts.

Jason, Missy and Madden Streiff said...

awww. yep know how you feel about dividing time-and it even took me a while after Calvin was here to really know how to love two! ..and now I want a million kids, i like love. Your blog is good jenna-i still love to read it even though i never see you. have fun with the new little angel.

Michelle said...

only advice...and it's not really advice...just know that we ALL worry about being able to love our second as much as the first....but it's a super magical thing...when your second is born... it just quadruples the amount of love that you are already experiencing each day. you're gorgeous, and I love reading your thoughts! good luck with this new next little baby girl! I can't wait to hear what you name her!

Carly said...

i am a random reader whom you've never met, and i adore your blog. your honesty makes me think that i could also be more honest on my blog and not feel bad about it. sometimes people take honesty as complaining, and i haven't quite figured out how to be more honest without sounding like i'm complaining, ya know? i think it's terribly dishonest (and annoying) when people write blogs pretending that their lives are candy and gumdrops all the time. of course it's not, and it wasn't meant to be!

anyway...all that just to say keep on keepin' on! i think you're great :)