a life in the day... wait, strike that. reverse.

wow.  that's all i really have to say right now is.... wow.

slightly large.  36 weeks.

photo of the day.  sweet bed head goldie.

i don't really know how to describe exactly how i'm feeling at the moment.  everything is heightened inside of me emotionally and the anticipation of "change" is kind of getting the best of me.  i don't sleep often, which is probably part of the problem.  but i have found myself losing patience more than usual lately and getting irritated at the smallest things... this is something that i've tried really hard to overcome and i've done a good job.  but recently the demons are coming back and i'm not liking it.  i pray constantly that i can just "keep calm and carry on", as they say.

if i'm being honest, which i always am, i don't have a lot to complain about.  my life is a good life, one that i've worked hard for but still feel like i don't deserve.  i'm in constant awe of the blessings that we have as a family.  don't you worry, we have our crap that we deal with. but for the most part, we're doing pretty good.  but sometimes when you're feeling so large and hurting so badly physically that you can barely change your daughters diaper without feeling like your insides are going to come crashing out of you, it seems the easy way to deal with it is to complain a little bit.  i should stop, and i don't do it often, but like i said i find the irritability and impatience slowly creeping back into me and it's making me crazy.

poor goldie.  she has been a little crazy lately with the nap schedule, and i think that's contributing to my impatience.  she normally goes down without a sound, happy and whatever.  but lately we walk into her room and she automatically starts to cry, like she's being punished or something.  she is SO tired that i think she's probably just as irritable as i am.  i think she's trying to phase to 1 nap a day instead of 2.. and i'm dreading that.  she's so fun though, ya know?  totally independent and plays and laughs and does her own thing when she's awake.  it's not like i have to sit there and watch her every move.  the girl is a tough one and knows how to take care of herself.  but the thing is that i actually want to be on the floor, playing with her and doing all that business.  i just physically can't really do it anymore, and it almost makes me mad.  the only part that bothers me about phasing to 1 nap is that i don't have as much "me" time, which is kind of essential to my day.  then i think about adding another little missy to the mix...and i kind of start to panic.

i have really only had 2 or 3 breakdowns (for lack of a better word) during this pregnancy.  i'll start to cry really hard thinking about loving two people the exact same and giving them the quality time and love that they'll both need.  i'll cry thinking about the change it's going to bring, and even though i SERIOUSLY know it's going to be a good change, it still scares me a little bit.  i hear all the time about the adjustment period with two children... and it's almost like i just want to get the freaking thing started already.  i want to have this sweet little munchkin so that we can begin the process, have the hard month or two or whatever, deal with it, adjust, and move on.  maybe it's not so much the actual change of it all, but the anticipation leading up to the change that's hard for me to deal with right now.  i don't know.

i'm just tired of feeling ultra sensitive, and i'm tired of feeling like i can't move and do the things that i normally can do.  it's dumb, and here i am talking about how i shouldn't complain and this entire post is basically me complaining.  but writing it out makes me feel better, and believe you me i need the relief of the power of the written word right now.

what i need to remember is this:

1. my current daughter, goldie jean, is one of the most awesome and fabulous things i've ever seen.  she brings me so much joy and happiness.  1 nap or 2, i can't help but love her and laugh with her on a daily basis.  she is my sunshine.  she is healthy, strong, and a happy girl.

2. i have a loving husband who is very good to me.  he kindly helps me realize things that i can improve on while he allows me to make my mistakes and grow on my own timing.  he even cleaned the entire house for me a few days ago.  he literally said, "make me a list and i will do it."  for the first time in my life, i took him up on the offer, made a list, and he did it all.  i was very thankful.

3. i have a healthy growing baby who is going to make her presence known in a few weeks.  she kicks and moves and grows just as she should, and that is a huge blessing.  did i mention that i'm already dilated to 2 cm and i'm 20% effaced?  i'm thinking february baby, but maybe that's just me getting my hopes up. i'm 36 weeks, and goldie came at 38. we shall see.

4.  i come from a really fun, supportive, loving, and happy family.  i also married into a really fun, supportive, loving, and happy family.  

5. my house is warm, i have food in my fridge, and my bed is there waiting for me every night.

6. goldie's new room is almost finished and it looks so cute.  just what i envisioned.

7. i love my doctor.  i trust him, and i know he knows what he's doing.

8. i have a solid foundation in what i believe, and that always helps me to ground myself again when i feel like i'm floating away into craziness.

so while the last few weeks of pregnancy is always tough, and in my specific situation i'm dealing with a few new feelings that i've never felt before, i know that it'll all be okay.  sometimes i just need to list a few blessings to remember that there are a lot more great and beautiful things going on than bad.  we made the choice to have another baby soon after goldie and it has been the best decision.  i love when people are like, "you are crazy!" because i simply think to myself, "yes, i am.  and thank goodness for it."

anyway, just needed to get all that out and i'm feeling better.  thanks for listening.