i feel very grown up today. it's like all of a sudden i woke up and realized that i'm an adult. i am married and have two children. i'm part of a statistic. i worry about things like finding renters for our house, selling things that i don't need, money, my children's health over my own, my husband's happiness, insurance, bills, what to make for dinner... it's like all of these thoughts run through my head on a daily basis and out of no where i'm just now realizing that i'm an adult.
when did i stop being a kid?
i remember in high school my dad always saying, "trust me, you don't want to grow up. if i could go back and be a kid again, i would in a heartbeat." being the silly clueless teenager, i would roll my eyes and wonder how my dad could say such ludicrous things. and here i am today, thinking the same thing. it's is one of those days where i'm longing to be a kid again, playing kickball in the cauldesac on shorewood drive with my best friend allie. allie and i did everything together. we rode our bikes back and forth to drug mart, we went to the city pool, we laid on the grass in our bathing suits eating melted m&m's. we'd play with our neighbors at the park and make up crazy games. we ran for the ice cream man. we walked to and from school together. we grew up and talked about crushes, played MASH until 3 am, snuck out and t-ped margie young's house (she totally made out with my boyfriend) numerous times. those days were days that i'll always remember. man i'd kill to go back just for a day. those were the times when i'd leave the house and only come back for a quick lunch and then home by dark. my mom had no clue what i was doing but she knew i was okay and safe in our neighborhoood. it makes me really sad that life isn't so much like that anymore. it was simple back then. we used a home phone. we didn't sleep with our cell phones and check facebook every second of the day. we took lazy naps in our hammock on sunday afternoons. we ate ice cream on the curb and mowed the lawn on saturdays. i think about that beechwood house a lot and miss the times i had there. please excuse my walk down memory lane... oh to be a kid again.
now i find myself feeling a little anxious for the next stage in life, whatever that may be. we're in a serious transition mode and it is a good thing. but i can't help but feel emotional (big time) thinking about how i'm leaving utah for good in a few weeks. i've been here forever it seems. i left for college and have been here ever since. i feel like a lot of my roots are here... some of my people are still here. i know this place like the back of my hand-- i can navigate the back roads of the city i live in with my eyes closed. this is what i know. in a few months we'll be in a brand new place where i won't even know where the costco is. i have to remember, though, that eventually i will. san francisco will be our new home. my kids will grow up a little bit there and maybe have their own memories of wherever we'll end up living. i know i will love it, and i know it will be good for our little family to get out of utah and have an adventure of our own. we're excited for that. but figuring out all the details and hoping that i remember to cover all my bases is making me feel old. very. very. old.
i'm okay with growing up though. i've never been one to freak out about my birthday (i'll be 27 this year. now THAT is crazy). i have some little wrinkles forming around my eyes but i know they are there because of all the smiling i get to do watching goldie try and carry annie around like she's one of her baby dolls. i've got the worry lines in between my eyes from wondering how in the world i'm going to pack up my house in so little time. but you know what? it all works out... the house is almost finished and i've had a lot of help that i'm endlessly grateful for.
it's all part of the process... worrying, smiling, laughing, crying, helping, holding, kissing, hugging, saying goodbye, moving on... it's all part of this "growing up" business. like i said, i'm okay with that.