09 April 2011

i feel very grown up today.  it's like all of a sudden i woke up and realized that i'm an adult.  i am married and have two children.  i'm part of a statistic.  i worry about things like finding renters for our house, selling things that i don't need, money, my children's health over my own, my husband's happiness, insurance, bills, what to make for dinner... it's like all of these thoughts run through my head on a daily basis and out of no where i'm just now realizing that i'm an adult. 

when did i stop being a kid?

i remember in high school my dad always saying, "trust me, you don't want to grow up.  if i could go back and be a kid again, i would in a heartbeat." being the silly clueless teenager, i would roll my eyes and wonder how my dad could say such ludicrous things.  and here i am today, thinking the same thing.  it's is one of those days where i'm longing to be a kid again, playing kickball in the cauldesac on shorewood drive with my best friend allie.  allie and i did everything together.  we rode our bikes back and forth to drug mart, we went to the city pool, we laid on the grass in our bathing suits eating melted m&m's.  we'd play with our neighbors at the park and make up crazy games.  we ran for the ice cream man.  we walked to and from school together.  we grew up and talked about crushes, played MASH until 3 am, snuck out and t-ped margie young's house (she totally made out with my boyfriend) numerous times.  those days were days that i'll always remember.  man i'd kill to go back just for a day.  those were the times when i'd leave the house and only come back for a quick lunch and then home by dark.  my mom had no clue what i was doing but she knew i was okay and safe in our neighborhoood.  it makes me really sad that life isn't so much like that anymore.  it was simple back then.  we used a home phone.  we didn't sleep with our cell phones and check facebook every second of the day.  we took lazy naps in our hammock on sunday afternoons.  we ate ice cream on the curb and mowed the lawn on saturdays.  i think about that beechwood house a lot and miss the times i had there.  please excuse my walk down memory lane... oh to be a kid again.

now i find myself feeling a little anxious for the next stage in life, whatever that may be.  we're in a serious transition mode and it is a good thing.  but i can't help but feel emotional (big time) thinking about how i'm leaving utah for good in a few weeks.  i've been here forever it seems.  i left for college and have been here ever since. i feel like a lot of my roots are here... some of my people are still here.  i know this place like the back of my hand-- i can navigate the back roads of the city i live in with my eyes closed.  this is what i know.  in a few months we'll be in a brand new place where i won't even know where the costco is.  i have to remember, though, that eventually i will.  san francisco will be our new home.  my kids will grow up a little bit there and maybe have their own memories of wherever we'll end up living.  i know i will love it, and i know it will be good for our little family to get out of utah and have an adventure of our own.  we're excited for that.  but figuring out all the details and hoping that i remember to cover all my bases is making me feel old.  very. very. old.

i'm okay with growing up though.  i've never been one to freak out about my birthday (i'll be 27 this year.  now THAT is crazy).  i have some little wrinkles forming around my eyes but i know they are there because of all the smiling i get to do watching goldie try and carry annie around like she's one of her baby dolls.  i've got the worry lines in between my eyes from wondering how in the world i'm going to pack up my house in so little time.  but you know what?  it all works out... the house is almost finished and i've had a lot of help that i'm endlessly grateful for.  

it's all part of the process... worrying, smiling, laughing, crying, helping, holding, kissing, hugging, saying goodbye, moving on... it's all part of this "growing up" business. like i said, i'm okay with that.


holtkamp said...

i totally wish i could be a kid again - such a carefree life! but then again, at that age, we always wanted to be grownups, to drive, work and be treated like adults. imagine that... -jen

michael. mindy. dane. said...

i love this. i love so much reading your thoughts. it seems odd to say that since i don't know you, but it's true. i love how you write, and it's so nice to read some real thoughts (as opposed to everything-is-perfect blogs). and your childhood sounds like a dream. crazy to think that at the time what we would wear or tuesday's math test was our biggest stress, right? anyway, i feel like my comments always act like we're bfs. sorry to be weird like that, but i can't help it!

good luck with the move! i think a new adventure like that sounds exciting!

Anonymous said...

This was a really interesting post. Not least because I feel totally opposite. Being a kid/teenager/young adult was the most akward time of my life, and I'd loathe to have to go back. Also, adults get to drink booze, ain't giving that up either (am obviously not Mormon).

But I do get the, "whoa, wait, when did all of this happen?". I've been married for almost 6 years. My kids are 5 and 3. My husband and I STILL look at each other, and feel like we just met 20 minutes ago.

Luckily, I feel it's pretty easy (except for when I don't). But for the record, it appears that LDS people have a superhuman amount of responsibilities compared to us regular folks, on top of just, you know, living.

cat said...

I have to admit I don't want to grow up, I'm 14 and I want to go to never land so bad. Even If I am 14 - I've been through stuff that adults haven't been through and I want to cling onto that, Not as a sad phase but as a happy one. I enjoy being a teenager some days and some days my hormones are crazy and I cry in bed but doesn't everyone? I've done so much crazy stuff - I've sneaked out the house so many times, got drunk, got wild and had one heartbreak, But being a teenager has it's high and it's low points, even when I was younger I didn't want to grow up. I just want to be 5 again because being a teenager sometimes isn't all that fun

Jodi Pitchforth said...

love now and then :)

Sydney said...

One of the great blessings of having children is you get to see many of your childhood memories resurface in their lives...and live them, again, to a certain degree. And, one of the best decisions we ever made was our move away from Utah. At the time, I had two little girls, and was carrying a mountain of worries, as we boarded a plane for Michigan...new job for hubby! We have had the time of ourlives.