been thinking about these two lately. obviously i think about them often no matter what because i'm surrounded by them every day, but even after they go to sleep i find myself remembering cute moments or funny things that goldie said that day or the open-mouth kisses annie gives me. i miss them when they go to sleep. i get excited to see them when i wake up. even though they sometimes make me crazy (and i swear they communicate and pick the days to both be at their "not best" at the same time just to push the knife in a little deeper), i look at them and my heart literally wants to burst. when we're leaving to go somewhere, i'll be putting annie in her car seat and i'll tell goldie to run and get her shoes please. all of a sudden i hear her little voice go "mommy.... shoes" and she politely drops my TOMS at my feet. she always wants to help feed annie her baby food, and she loves helping change annie's diaper... and then taking that diaper right to the trash. i know it successfully made it into the can when i hear a distant "hooorrayyy!!" from goldie. she gives kisses to everyone, including strange kids at the park (uh we're going to have to work on that). she says hello to whoever she sees and tells strangers "bresh you" when they cough or sneeze (didn't mean to rhyme there... but i like it). annie will randomly squeal...almost cackle, out of no where when we're running errands and she's in the bjorn. she loves to play with goldie and gets very excited when goldie runs to her first thing after a nap. annie can be very serious sometimes... she will look right into your soul and it makes you want to never make a mistake again for the rest of your life. she is a happy baby and smiles at everyone, but when her smile is acknowledged by someone she doesn't know, she gets a little shy and lays her head slowly against my shoulder. it makes me feel good to know that she feels protected. she sits up and wants to be a big girl like her sister. they often give each other kisses and laugh at each other when i'm not around. it makes me feel very thankful that we had them close together.
it was a good decision.
i was holding annie tonight before sleep. she had her head on my shoulder and her little arm up by my neck. i thought of what i would do if she ever went away. i thought of my friend ani who is still reeling over the loss of ruby. i held annie a little tighter and a little longer... smelled her into me and nuzzled into her soft skin. i stopped my thoughts from going anywhere sad because i realized i literally would die if anything happened to her or to goldie. i don't know what i would do. my friend is incredible to me. she just keeps going, because she has to, but also because she knows that's what ruby would want. she is a strong woman who understands that she doesn't always have to be strong (it takes guts to know and understand that concept). such an example... she could still use some prayers, by the way. so don't forget about that.
anyway, i just love my children and although i have my hard days where i wish i could just disappear for a little bit, i often look at them and know i'd rather be no where else than on the floor playing and laughing with them. i cherish those moments. i really do.