i had a clarifying moment the other day. i've been having a lot of those lately...
it had been a busy day. my girls both have colds, but luckily they are in pretty good spirits anyway. we had been running errands, cleaning, doing laundry, laughing, coloring, playing.... the usual. i like to call the hours of 4-7 pm the "witching hours." you just never know how they're going to go. i usually hit a wall around 4:30, feeling tired and unproductive. my energy just kind of depletes, and it annoys me. then 5 pm comes rolling in and that means dinner, followed by the next hour and a half of feeding, cleaning, bathing, reading, kissing, praying, and bed time. it's a lot. but it goes well on most days.
after this busy day, i was finishing a load of laundry. nothing makes me happier than warm, lavender smelling clean clothes fresh from the dryer. normally i loath the folding process, but i've learned that if i stay in the laundry room and fold right there instead of dragging a gigantic pile to the living room, it goes faster and i do it right away instead of letting it sit in the laundry basket for 3 days (i've been known to do this). i felt tired, but for some reason during this ritual that i do weekly, i felt a lot of peace and happiness. i felt happy that i was folding laundry for my family. i felt gratified that this was a task that i was in charge of for the people that i love. then i started to think about the busy day, and i again felt very happy knowing that my girls were happy all day long. for the first time in a long time, i felt very satisfied with the label as "mother."
i read a lot of blogs.. or i used to anyway. not much time for that these days and sometimes it just makes me feel bad in general reading other peoples' blogs and wondering why my life isn't so much like theirs. it's bad to be that way, and i don't always feel that way, but lately i've just been over it. i've been over my own blog too, if you haven't noticed. not in the mood to write, can't formulate my words the way that i want to, haven't taken many photos, etc. the holidays were good but they were crazy, making me feel more stressed than usual. however, the one thing that keeps me stable, i'm realizing, are these two babies of mine. goldie and annie keep me going, literally, because if i stop, they stop, and well i just can't let that happen.
one of my goals for 2012 (yes dad, i still am planning on emailing you my list as i have almost every year for 27 years) is to really enjoy being a mother and a wife. like, really dig my heels into my main role, you know what i mean? i really have always loved being a mom, but seriously i used to get a little dramatic about the whole thing. i still sometimes do. but i'll have these moments where i'm about to lose it and lately i've been able to just stop, take a deep breath, realize it's not that big of a deal, and move on. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. i counted today and it helped. it is hard having these two close together and i often find myself carrying them both around the house, simply because they both/need attention. but isn't it so worth it? watching them laugh together? watching them share? watching goldie help change annie's diaper and hold her bottle for her? watching goldie laugh hysterically as annie crawls after her? these moments blot out the hard ones very quickly.
sometimes you just have to let go of all the things that make you so tight inside. sometimes you really have to stop wishing for other things and love what you already have.
hope you had a wonderful holiday season. here's to 2012. it's going to be a great year.