i've had a lot of time to self reflect lately...and that isn't always an easy process. when i think about myself and who i am, who i once was, who i've become, how i've changed in the past few years, trials that have nearly broken me and moments that have lifted me back up, it's easy to pick out the negative things and dwell on them. and only them.
a few years ago, i lost a dear friend. she didn't die, thank goodness, but i swear it felt like a death in my life. i won't go into the whole story, but i think both parties were very hurt through the entire thing. around that time, i had a moment where i wrote something on this blog that i shouldn't have. i was feeling so much hurt, confusion, and actually a lot of anger. i had a weak moment and wrote about her blog. i didn't say what blog i was talking about specifically, but re-reading the post, it was pretty obvious. i have since deleted that part of my post and sincerely feel awful and truly sorry about it. i normally don't use this blog for that sort of venting. i keep things that i want to keep private, private. i don't deal well with drama, and normally i don't experience much of it in my life. i guess i wasn't dealing very well, and i was in a dark place feeling very hurt and sad. it's not an excuse, but i really think that people do/say irrational things when they aren't feeling well. when i'm wrong, i say i'm wrong. i should not have written what i did... i never wanted to be that kind of blogger.. more importantly, i never wanted to be that kind of person.
these moments of self reflection, of mediation.. they are very clarifying. i think that's what it means to truly become a mature adult. you have to find a comfortable place within yourself where things that other people think or say don't matter. you have to find a place where you are confident in who you are and in the life that you're living. you have to grab a hold of your integrity and continue to do the very best you can with it. i feel like i'm a good person, and i feel like i've been misunderstood a lot in my life. but haven't we all?
i talked to my dad yesterday, who is my number one source of wisdom and advice. i feel like i've been holding a lot of different emotions inside lately, which for me personally is never a good thing. i let go though with my dad, had a good little cry, and listened to the things that he lovingly said to me-- things that i really needed to hear. we talked about perspective--how important it is to have a realistic expectation about your life. it's a lot to think about and my mind and heart can't be 100% healed in one night. however, i'm feeling a lot of rejuvenation and a lot of acceptance. i am who i am. i have made mistakes, and i have overcome much. there are times when i have stuck it to the man, and times when i've hid in a dark corner from anything remotely difficult. but i am a woman of strength, and i have to remember that. i think we're all a bit stronger than we think we are. with that said though, i truly believe it's very important to allow yourself to feel what you feel, whether those feelings are positive or negative.
we gotta work through those moments in order to become a little bit better. it's not always easy, but it is worth it.