22 March 2013

today i woke up, feeling productive and happy. as the morning melted into the early afternoon, i found myself feeling tense. all tangled up inside. i hope i'm not the only one this happens to. my children were crying and whining over what seemed like nothing, and fought to go down for their naps that they desperately needed. i raised my voice at goldie, who finally took me seriously, and she went to sleep. i always feel so sad when i raise my voice at her, and usually go back in my mind and realize i didn't have to in the first place. it is something i'm working on though, and i have no problem apologizing for my mistakes. she is always very forgiving, bless her heart.

annie has been crawling out of her crib the past few days (my worst nightmare). it's been driving me crazy. after goldie finally went to sleep this afternoon, annie continued to get up out of her bed. i'd go put her back in it. she'd get up again. i was getting so frustrated (still feeling tangled), that i retreated to my closet where i normally go when things feel a little too overwhelming. suddenly, i hear this tiny little voice calling for me. there was my little annie, holding her blankie with her thumb in her mouth. she had snot running out of her nose, and her cheeks were flushed. she hasn't been feeling good. it hit me all of a sudden that she just needs some attention. she needs ME. i picked her up and kissed her face, walking slowly to her bedroom. we sat on her couch and i rocked her back and forth as she laid her head on my shoulder. she loves when i hum (not when i sing), so i hummed for a good long time and rubbed her back, tickled her face softly, petted her soft hair. her eyes slowly closed and her body went heavy in my arms. i sat there with my eyes closed, smelling her in... telling myself to remember this moment when i realized my daughter simply needed me. i'm thankful i recognized the opportunity to cuddle with my recently grumpy little 2-year-old. she needs to know how much i love her, not matter how many times she whacks me in the head.

these are the special moments that humble me to the core. these are the moments where i can feel heavenly father's love so strongly, and his confidence in me as a mother. i need that support, because let me tell you; i often feel inadequate. i have many weakness that i'm working on. but in the past week, i've tried very hard to let go of certain things that are weighing me down. let go, and be happy.

that's the phrase that keeps popping into my mind.

let go, and be happy.

i'm thankful for the daily reminders that keep me grounded.


Where are my Mary Jane's? said...

I love reading your thoughts because they often relate to my own. I appreciate your honesty about motherhood; it's refreshing. And your Annie is the blond twin to my Eloise. Last Sunday she had a melt down during sacrament meeting and when I tried to hold her, she would just pull at my hair. I knew she was tired and hungry and it was SUNDAY so I just sat next to her in an empty room while she lost it. A crazy lady in our ward came into the room where we were hiding and told me that she did reflexology and I just needed to squeeze all of her fingertips and move them in a circular motion (just to give you a good idea of our dynamic area here in Ogden...). And in the midst of all that chaos, I felt that peaceful assurance that Heavenly Father is helping me along and even approves of me. We push through the tough times so when they do fall asleep on us and we breathe in their smell, we know we've EARNED the right to love them more than anyone in the world.

LONG comment from me! Love your blog!

holtkamp said...

can't tell you how much i love this post. your girls are lucky to have you. i am also working really hard on not raising my voice, our baby is still too young to understand much and i need to remember that when i get frustrated. thanks for your lovely thoughts :) -jen

Kristen said...

Hey you have a blog! And I found it! Good thing, because I need to be reminded every day to "let go and be happy." Glad you're my friend.


Alexis Scheid said...

More… More… i love your posts! xo