17 June 2008

honestly.

i think i've figured out what's up with me....well, a little bit at least.  i am lacking serious motivation.  for the past 54 minutes, i have sat here on my bed with my computer pressed up against the wall (this is the only way to pick up internet from spoon's apartment) debating whether or not i want to go work out right now.  why wouldn't i?  if i did, then i could shower and have the entire afternoon ahead of me, in which i could complete a million errands that i've been avoiding, including buying new conditioner because i've been out for a few days now.  this whole motivation thing is a serious problem in my mind.
my stomach has been funny these days.  quite gurgly, in fact.  everything i eat isn't sitting right with me.  i mean, yes i have indulged in a few treats daily for the past 3 or 4 days, but that shouldn't mess with things that happen in the bathroom, should it?  ugh.
for the past 3 nights, i have laid in bed thinking about everything that is wrong with me, as well as things that i wish could be better in my life.  random, uncontrollable tears come with these thoughts (ones that i suck in as quietly as i can because i know i'm being incredibly dramatic and i don't want jake to think he married a crazy person).  since when did i become so pessimistic?  must change.  i think that's even more depressing, the fact that i have to convince myself that i need to become an optimist again---that used to come naturally to me, believe it or not.  perhaps i'm feeling lonely.  perhaps i've even started talking to myself during the day, as if i was auditioning for a movie or something.  clearly, i would win the part with all this practicing.  either way, i've got big goals to switch my mindset back to old jenna again.  i figure with all this open honesty, others might be able to relate and realize that they are normal and it's going to be ok, because this is what i keep telling myself.  i'm normal, i just need to calm down and focus on the good....there really is so much good.  my gosh, a lot of good.  see?  it's already working.
with this blog i promised myself to be more honest and open about who i am and how i am.  that's what people really want: honesty.  and with that said, i'm going to go eat a bowl of honey-nut cheerios, work out, shower, and go buy myself some conditioner.

7 comments:

katie said...

Jenna, I can totally relate (and probably a million other people can too). I struggle with motivation, self-esteem, negativity every single day of my life. Staying busy keeps those thoughts from my mind. I know that's hard now with Jake away for most of the day.

Whenever I don't want to work out, I think about how I'll feel after (good) and it motivates me to go.

Trust me, I know optimist Jenna and she's the funniest most beautiful girl I know.

p.s. my stomach has been gurgly ever since i left home. Jan loves to hear that and claims its because i don't have her home cooking. haha.

p.p.s. redken allsoft conditioner, oh yeah.

The Young Family Inc. said...

First of all I love you. Secondly, change is hard, you'll get into your grove. Thirdly, when you roll out of bed in the morning, first thing, put on your work out clothes. Maybe that will help? Either that or sleep at the gym. Ha ha. Once you find motivation, send some my way.

KEH said...

Jenna,

This cracks me up because I have been sitting on my computer looking at people.com , oprah, and blog-stalking for the past 7 days during every free minute I have instead of completing my final project for my interior rendering class. What's even funnier is that I have cancelled both my appointments with a trainer (!) at the gym so I could have the time to work on my project...this is self-neglect at it's finest! Aside from the oprah, I can't think of less enriching and productive activities. My point is that you're not the only one and your "symptoms" could be worse-like mine!! Don't beat yourself up about it and just know that what goes down must come up so enjoy the blank walls and the lazy days because I'm sure you'll look back on them with fondness when the many little Vela's come along. ;) Also, I've found that a pedicure will do wonders for the soul.

Say hi to Jake!!

Love,
Karli

Anonymous said...

Hi Jenna-
I've never met you, but I stumbled on your blog through Megan Terry Papworth, whom I went to school with and danced with when we were younger. I don't want to be a creeper, but as many people with blogs have informed me, people who have a blog don't mind the occasional anonymous comment!
In reading your blog, I am touched by how positive you are and yet how real...you are dealing with real issues in your life and aren't afraid to talk about them with others and reach out for support.
This post hit home quite a bit with me...I too have been struggling with self-esteem and motivation issues- a lot more this year than in the past...darn school! Like I said before, clearly I don't know you, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.
I also wanted you to know how lucky you are to have a husband that you obviously love very much and who is supportive of you. I was engaged for a year and a half, and my fiance (ex-fiance) decided he didn't want to marry me anymore about a month ago citing my inability to make him feel loved or important. I guess I lacked the motivation to show the person I loved how important they were to me.
This has turned into a sad post, but the point I was trying to make is that you have so many good things in your life (like you said) and the only way I can think of to get through the tough times is to focus on the great things that hold your life together. You are clearly blessed. I wish you the best of luck with everything, and I'm sure you can overcome any issue you are dealing with!
I read your blog periodically, so if you want some support in your efforts (we can band together!), just say so in your blog and I'll drop you my email. Regardless, I'll send lots of positive thoughts your way! :)
Thanks for your honesty and uplifting attitude.

Jennie said...

Oh, honey! This WILL pass. Remember, it's okay to feel this way for a spell, but it will pass. You've just moved, and you've had some trauma in the last year, which doesn't just go away lickety-split!

Another thing. Being an optimist is great, but I've experienced that the older you get, a little pessimism sneaks into you, regardless. The older you get, the smarter you get, the less disillusioned you get, the more disenchanted you get, BUT on the other side of that is the will and the power to make REAL changes for the life you want.

As for your tummy, try taking some pro-biotics daily. Lay off the sugar (mood swings) and good suggestion, the one with putting your work out clothes on, first thing.

Also, listen to happy music (no melancholy college bands for you, my dear), and try not to watch the tv news.

I have been there. It ain't fun, but let it do its thing, and then get better. Life truly is what you make it.

Ani said...

Welcome back Jenna face. You have given me some motivation to stop reaching blogs and go work out and lose my front butt. But can I start tomorrow?

Meg said...

hahaha....well not going to lie...I just read all your previous comments and feel like I just went to group therapy with you...amazing. I laughed reading this blog because that's exactly how this summer has been for me...so unmotivating, and i've wanted to call you to see if it's the same to you but I haven't why...because feeling lazy makes me lazier. I have all day to do nothing so I end up doing...oh wait..nothing. :) I almost went home to work because I was going insane and I got a good job but I called in and changed my mind a few days before I was supposed to start cause there's no way I can leave Terr. But I work from home for his parents now (with a little bit of traveling) and that has helped...but just wanted you to know it's a summer sales thing (for the most part) Hard to stay motivated when you don't feel productive.

I love and miss you! Will I see you at Erin's wedding?