15 September 2008

what a year brings.

i've been thinking a lot today, and yesterday actually, about what this day means to me. september 15, 2007 (one year ago today), i officially lost both of my babies. it was the single-worst day of my life, however i really look back and feel a great understanding for why things happened the way they did. because of that day, i have grown closer to my husband and have been able to bond with him in a way i never imagined; i've learned that i'm slightly stronger than i thought i was; i've come to a greater and more firm understanding of god's plan for me and for my family; i've been able to replace grief, pain, anger, and sadness with understanding, love, and acceptance. because of september 15, 2007, i've been able to see just a pinch of what true love really is between a parent and child. i miss those babies every single day, but i don't grieve for them anymore....i guess i miss them in more of a loving way. either way, i feel recovered and know that i'll see them again. oh, i can't wait to meet them.
it's amazing how life changes in just one year. sometimes i think... what would my life be like right now if i had my twins? crawling, gurgling, laughing. my life would be madness! and i think i would have loved every second of it... i really do think so. i would have basked in the craziness of it all. however, i've learned that i can't spend my life living in the past or dwelling on what could have been. i've wasted too much time over that kind of mentality in my day, and now i try so hard (although i often fail) to just look ahead and be excited for what's to come. so, that's what i'm thinking about today.

20 comments:

Nichole said...

hi, i'm a random reader, but i really appreciated your post today.

my aunt and uncle lost their twin boys, when she was seven months along, a couple of years ago.
it was the hardest thing ever for them, but since then they have had the opportunity to adopt three beautiful baby girls through lds family services.
my aunt and i talked once about what it was like for her, and while she said it was awful and she misses them so much, she is also really excited because now she gets the chance to raise babies in both this life and the next!

Sarah Young said...

Jenna, I just want you to know how awesome I think you are. I was reading on an old high school friends blog recently about a similar subject. So it has been on my mind lately. It made me have such an admiration for parents whose plan isn't necessarily how they thought it would be, but who find their strength and continue to trust in whatever it is that the Lord has planned for them. Your babies are with you and always will be.

Janelle Phipps said...

Jenna--

So, one of my favorite phrases comes from the hymn "Lord I Would Follow Thee" and it says, "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." I love that for two reasons, 1) it helps me remember to never judge or jump to conclusions about other people because you never know what they're going through, and the second reason just hit me today when I read your post: When that sorrow has become transformed into understanding and peace it becomes one of the most sacred gifts that can be shared with friends. Your post totally gave me a greater perspective on things today and reminded me that life isn't all about making sure things work out exactly how we'd like them to; it's learning how to BE OKAY even when things go wrong and handle those sorrows with patience and grace, as you have.

Hope a little bit of that made sense and...thank you so much for sharing.

Janelle Phipps

P.S. the scripture you have on your blog is my all time favorite. hm. Thus we're connected in more ways than just "the tickle."

Jessica said...

may i reiterate what EVERYONE says about you? umm...you're awesome! way to look at things in perspective. i remember when you told me about this experience. amazing how challenges can teach us so many things we never thought possible.

also, let's run into each other on campus :)

Heath and Gretchen said...

Jenna,

Your kids are so lucky to have you as a mother. You have such an incredible perspective and I know others, including myself, are comforted by you sharing it. Not too long ago a little boy in my stake passed away. I remember being struck by his mother’s remarks. She had said that although it was one of the most painful experiences she had ever endured, it brought her closer to Heavenly Father than any experience ever could. It’s evident that you too have grown from this experience and have been brought closer to your loved ones as a result. I am so sorry for your loss, but more than anything, I am so excited for you to one day be reunited with your sweet little family. What a blessing that will be.

Love, Gretch

andrea.roche said...

I don't know how u do it, but thank you for your example.

Canadian Princess said...

thank you for sharing that precious post wih us Jenna...

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see those little rugrats too someday.
Love you
Ricky

Meikel and Luke said...

there just aren't words dear jenna. much love to you.

The Browns said...

You are amazing. End of story.

SJ said...

Jenna, I remember that day so well. You are a strong person, don't forget your strenght. And don't forget to do somehting once in a while for yourself. As tave myliu.

Daug meiles,

Sesuo Krukstin

Danny & Lindsay said...

Hi Jenna! I like to pop by here every once in a while. I love this post. I got close to tears reading it. The same thing happened to my brother and his wife last March (with twins). It was so devastating, so hard on me--and I can't even imagine how it feels for them. You're inspiring. Thanks.

Mike and Alecia said...

Wow Jenna you really are so strong and inspirational. I really miss your positive attitude.You always made me smile and be happy in Hawaii. I miss that.

Anonymous said...

you are amazing. i really admire you...i just thought you should know
~jill brewer~

Annalisa said...

hi. smiles to you & wishing the best going forward.

Meg said...

I wasn't going to comment because I just happened on your blog and this is so personal, but I think that we were on the same wave length on Monday. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to loose babies. My due date was sept. 15th for the first baby I lost. Life has unexpected surprises, and it's good to hear that you have grown from this. You will be a better mommy someday because of it!

Meg - naturallymeg.blogspot.com

Zach and Katie Hillstead said...

you will be the best mommy....and probably even more amazing because of the things you learned from that hard trial. i'm proud of you for how you have handled and it and grown because of it. you took a sad, hard trial and made it into something positive. i think that was heavenly father's hopes for you. i love you!

Granttany said...

I just love you. the end.

Morgan and Stuart said...

you're amazing :)

Jamie said...

Jenna,

I have thought about you and your twins so many times--particularly when I have read comments you have left on other's blogs. I have been impressed by your compassion toward Caitlyn and your excitement for Gretchen.

I'm amazed by your perspective. You absolutely bless the lives of others by sharing these feelings. Thanks for inviting us into your world.