08 January 2009

it's been awhile...

dear readers, i have some thoughts. i just read through my blog and noticed that about once a month (or something like that), i posted some thoughts about something random that i was feeling. i remember writing those things and then having a moment of relief that i got it all out, public or not. so i've been thinking a lot in the past few days about something, and it makes me feel better to write it all out. you don't have to read this; trust me, i won't be offended. but if you do decide to read, maybe you can relate to me somehow. i think i've changed a lot in the past few years, some ways good, some ways not so good. last night i was having a conversation with jake about some future plans...just some things we want to do. i don't want to make those plans public because who knows if they'll even happen, but one of them included us doing something a little out of what some would call "normal." i immediately said i probably wouldn't be able to live like that, and i felt immediate disappointment come from jake (and understandably so). when jake met me freshmen year, i was a wild spirit--adventerous, rebellious, outgoing, excited to go places and do things, and i wore sweatpants to school without thinking twice about it. this was something that jake LOVED about me, and one reason why he loved spending time with me--i was up for anything at anytime, anywhere, anyone. i was vivacious. sometimes i don't feel like i'm like that any more. life can be stressful, busy, and did i mention busy? i think i've forgotten that adventerous side of me, a side that i used to love more than anything. since we got married, we've had some hard trials to overcome...most of you know what some of that has included. (read old blog on sidebar if confused or curious). everyone says that marriage is just BLISS and SO MUCH FUN ALL THE TIME and blah blah blah. well, i'm here to say that the truth about marriage is that it is hard work, and anyone who denies that is simply living in denial themselves. with marriage comes bills, money issues, stress. however, with all that said, marriage also can bring much laughter, intimacy, love, excitement, closeness, etc. in my own marriage, things have been very blissful lately. i say this not to brag or shove my happiness in your face, it's simply a fact. jake and i have learned how to better communicate, how to relax a little, and how to have more fun than we thought possible. here's the whole point of this post. i have gotten so used to living the lifestyle that i'm living (we have been very blessed with a warm home and plenty of food and things to make us feel a little happier). i've forgotten what it was like in thailand where i sweated for one month straight, serving others and forgetting about the world and all of it's costly apparel and things of fancy. i've forgotten the humble settings of my mission, where i spent time in one-room apartments with some of the most genuine, loving people who were happy with basically nothing. i remember feeling SO happy. i've forgotten that i'm capable of living without things of luxury, and that i'm more than capable (and used to thrive off this idea) of stepping away from the world and getting back to what's really important. marriage doesn't have to kill that being inside of me that used to jump out at every chance it had to go on an adventure. getting married means, yes dealing with bills, insurance, REAL LIFE...but it also means that now you've got a companion that can go on every adventure with you. i need to get back to my roots. i need to set aside these silly thoughts like, "ohhhh i love that dress from anthropologie. must have it." i have more than enough, and i've got plenty of life to live. my time will come when i live in a home with a garage, a backyard, and a ceiling fan. jake will have a steady job, and we'll be the average american family. but that time doesn't have to be tomorrow. i don't want to rush into the world with the feeling that i need to be "established." please. i have all of my life to be established. so yes, i am a wife that has to deal with the positive and negative things that marriage brings, but that doesn't have to rule my life. the mundane things shouldn't rule my life. and they won't. i am adventerous. i am an exciting person. i could move with my jake to some remote place of the world for a year and have hardly anything, because at least i would be with the one i truly love. i would have all i need right with me: my testimony, my husband, a few clothing items, scriptures, and a journal. i am still ME...and i can't forget that.

20 comments:

Canadian Princess said...

Yes Jenna you certainly could...and you'd love it!!!

Michelle said...

girl, I love you. I am constantly feeling like I am no longer the fun exciting confident woman that I used to be. I feel fat (that has nothing to do with me being pregnant, I felt fat way before I was pregnant again) - I think back to my skinny, financially stable, single days, and look at my life now and feel like a different person. I know I am obviously living a different life now, but I often wonder why I feel like someone else. Your blog put things in perspective for me, and makes me remember who I am, I am still that person. maybe not skinny and financially stable, but I have everything I need to be happy. I just need to remember who I am. thanks for being so amazing. I know it's weird that we were really barely friends when you lived here, and we hung out, what? once? but I think you are one super cool chick who I totally admire and look up to. Love ya!

Jessica said...

i know it's been awhile since have actually seen your lovely face, but wow. you just put a lot of the same things i'm feeling into words. i appreciate your honesty and am still in the reconciliation stage between who i am and marriage. annnnd i miss talking to you and maybe sometimes griping about editing :)

jenna marie said...

amen.

Jenny and Wyatt Dannels said...

I feel the exact same way...I love all your posts. You are an amazing woman Jenna!

Annalisa said...

yes, your random thoughts are appreciated more than you know. marriage will bring you adventure, excitement, new clothes, and so much more. i sometimes dislike the phrase "endure to the end" because "endure" seems so blah, but i like to think of the scriptures that say "live joyfully" and "happiness which hath no end" because it helps my attitude towards things i cannot change myself. anyway. smiles to you for continuing to live joyfully amidst your challenges.

natalie said...

I loved that post so much, Jenna. It's all so true and so close to my heart. Thanks for putting it into words that make so much sense to me. I wish you the best in whatever you guys decide to do, because you get to do it together...and that is the BEST part of all!!!!

The Young Family Inc. said...

You know I'd die if you took that thing I've been waiting along time for away from me. Are we on the same page? Fine, I was trying NOT to go the psycho route, but I'd totally stalk your family to Samoa. So, if by remote you mean Mill Creek, great.

Andi said...

YES. i feel like you already know how i feel about what you have just written. you make me proud young grasshopper.

Reimstar said...

Tell me about it. I feel like this all the time. I'm so different than I was a year ago, even how I was just a few months ago. But its ok, in fact its good. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment. Cliche I know. There's a country song that I really like that helps me, its called You're Gonna Miss This by Trace Atkins. I'm sure you've heard it. I look back on my single days and think "That was such a fun time, I was so fun! I miss that." But then I'm sure in 5 years when we have kids crawling all over us, and stressed to the limit, we'll look back at the newlywed years and think the same thing, and we don't even notice it ya know. I'm working on it too, right there with you. Love ya.

McKell and John said...

I definitely relate to that post Jenna! I think all of the fun, adventurous girls go through these growing pains when we first get married. I still have thoughts like this. I think it's called growing up. But you are right, You ARE adventurous and exciting, it's just not as easy to wake up in the middle of the night and go get super nachos at Betos when you are exhausted and you have two kids!

Zach and Katie Hillstead said...

great thoughts sista. good to know we all feel this way.

tjsanford said...

I love your blog. It makes me smile.

andrea.roche said...

No worries. I'm a lot more boring since freshmen year too....and my husband agrees. Curse of marrying someone that knew us that year?

How many times I have felt these same fears - esp. about changing so much of who "I" really am. I think thoughts like "Wow, I live in Idaho." or "I see my husband an hour a day, 6 days a week" ....We have a little "stability" in schedule and a baby coming, but oh how I sometimes want the BYU coed/no worries/adventuresome life back.

It's difficult to choose to be happy at times. I still haven't figured it out. You probably will before me, because you are wise. Then, you can share with me how to do it. And in the meantime, move somewhere crazy with Jake. You will regret not doing it. Promise.

jenn said...

what an inspirational post! makes you stop and remember whats important in life! thanks!

KEH said...

I think this is interesting, Jenna, because I can tell you that it's not specifically marriage that has "done this to you." SO many times, I've found my single self repressing my seemingly instinctual erratic behavior (that used to get me in so much trouble, but also made me "more fun") for the image of something I'm not quite yet. I think that the urge to be something different and better is a double edged sword. More hours out of the day, I'm frustrated with myself for being too matronly or being too childish and only over the span of about a year can I reflect and see how the desire to grow up and the desire to stay fun have started to form this perfect person with unique strengths and talents and abilities that will be specifically utilized to help other people in various capacities. My point is that single or married, everyone experiences self-doubt and what are spouses really for, if not to lead you to believe that you are perfect the way you are?

I'm totally rambling and you most likely have already come to this conclusion or have come up with a much more insightful and meaningful anecdote, but I think what you have to say is important and interesting and I enjoy reading it. And since I'm not rambling on my own blog, I figure what better place to dump all of this than in your comment box.

Morgan and Stuart said...

I need to remember things like this too. Also, I probably need to chant, "I do not need anything at Anthropologie. I do not need anything at Anthropologie..." Several times a day.

Danny & Lindsay said...

Jenna I love this. I love your blog. I love popping over every month or so to see what you're up to. I LOVE how REAL you are. Have a great day!

*LAYLA and AUSTIN* said...

thank you for sharing jenna. I completely understand how you are feeling. When Austin and I got married we used to talk about how we wanted to live in a 3rd world country for a year. I was going to bring nothing but my washer and dryer so I could do people's laundry for service. Really, that was our plan. Now with my house (and bills, bills, bills) and all the things I think I CANNOT live without I don't know if that will ever come to fruition. I was just thinking/reflecting on essentially the same topic as you just wrote about the other day. As much as I am so grateful for my husband's job I think it has changed me a little bit in to believing that I NEED certain things and I NEED to live a certain way and BE a certain person. I have to step back and realize that I just need to be ME and I need to focus on the important things--the eternal perspective and not on material things....like dresses or shoes at anthro...or furniture at pottery barn. Ha! But I am so glad you posted this because it made me think that my feelings and worries are normal. Now it's just doing something about it...

Rachel said...

I think we all need to do that sometimes--reevaluate who we are and how far we've come (or fallen). You're a great person Jenna. 20 people officially think that. Keep progressing 'cuz that's what life's all about! :)