10 December 2009

thoughts.

it's been awhile since i've had a "thoughts" post. maybe it's because i have so many thoughts that i hardly know how to put them down coherently. then i have to remember that i write on this blog, post on this blog, do whatever on this blog, for me. so it's okay if it's not the best grammar or if my writing becomes complete stream of consciousness. it is okay. i drink about two cups of hot chocolate a day. each time is a different flavor (i've gone crazy buying stephen's hot chocolate). currently i'm drinking the chocolate raspberry kind, and it is warming my soul. i use 3-4 spoonfuls of the chocolate mix each time, because i like my hot chocolate chocolatey. my soul needs warming right now because i'm feeling quite emotional about many different things. to be honest, i've been feeling pretty good about life lately. i'm in a good place with most things-- i feel very content and happy in my marriage. jake has been home a lot lately and i've loved every minute of it. you know, he works a lot during the summer months. i rarely see him, and that's okay. i've learned to accept it and to not get upset about the fact that we see each other maybe 2 hours a day during that time. i'm independent, i always have been. so it's okay. but because of those long summer months, i really appreciate the off-time when i have him around me almost constantly. we've been having so much fun, and we've been making each other laugh and we've been loving just staying at home. we've learned how to be calm. we've learned to to appreciate one another, and how to speak kindly and loving to one another. we even started making out again. he shaved his entire face. no more beard, no more handle-bar mustache-- this is great news to me. and he looks so good. is it weird though that i kind of miss it? i cannot be satisfied apparently. either way, i've loved laughing and hanging out with my husband. and we're excited to add a 3rd party to the mix. the pregnancy is going well. i don't talk about it much on here for some reason. really i don't know why. i put up a few pictures now and then of my gigantic belly and baby's room, but that's about it. i cherish this little missy inside of me. she makes me really uncomfortable. she doesn't allow me to sleep. she is starting to "drop." she puts a lot of pressure on me down below. sick. she'll be here in a few weeks, and i really don't know how to explain what that makes me feel. i'm not nervous about labor because i think i just would do anything to get her out and into our arms.... finally. i feel like she is a miracle, because not many of you know this but i miscarried again before she came along. i was five weeks pregnant, which i know is not very far, but i was still pretty sad when i got my period. one week later, i was pregnant again. how is this possible? i wasn't even ovulating... i could not have been. but alas, she was there, growing inside my belly and it honestly feels like a miracle. i am protective over her and she's not even here yet. i can feel the mother bear inside of me coming to the surface to where i would do anything to protect her, and jake too. i think this baby means so much to me because i've been waiting so long to have her. i dreamt of her before i was even married. i dreamt of her again last week...the same exact baby i dreamt of 3 years ago. i feel really blessed that we have a warm home to bring her to. i feel really blessed that jake is going to be her dad. i feel really excited that i was chosen to be her mom. and i don't feel inadequate. i know i am capable of being a mom. but that doesn't mean that i don't feel a HUGE responsibility to be a good mom, which who even knows what that means. i just feel like i have the ability to love her more than i love myself, to give her anything she needs, to kiss her little round head over and over, to snuggle her, feed her. i mean, that's all a baby needs. to be loved. and she will be, i mean she already is. so i think we're gonna be okay on this one. i feel emotional today. i think my feelings have been hurt and i'm not quite sure how to deal with it because they haven't been hurt in awhile. i'm a sensitive person, this is true. but at the same time, i'm learning to just be like, you know what? who cares. just move on. smile, and move on. i usually let things get to me, but i can't deal with that anymore. i've never been keen on drama; it just adds stress to my life and makes me feel like i'm in high school again. so, i move on. this is what i'm working on today.... sweeping off the negative feelings and instead enjoying my christmas tree and my hot chocolate. jake and i were talking the other night about how christmas is a serious time for unconditional love. i've been thinking a lot about the term love and what it means. i love to love. i'm grateful i have the ability to love. i'm grateful for good examples of love all around me. this christmas season has me feeling humbled and thankful for my life, for the blessings i've been given, for my faith, for snow, for happiness, for trials, for forgiveness... so many things. jake had to go out of town today for a few days and i actually got really sad when he left (this is so not like me). he brings out the best in me. he makes me so incredibly happy, i don't even know how to explain it. he knows how to love me in ways that no one else does. i know he wants to kill me sometimes-- i know i can be annoying. hell, i want to kill myself sometimes when i do something ridiculous and know it. that is the worst feeling, isn't it? when you know you're being an idiot but you just can't stop? he loves me despite those moments. so lucky am i. he always makes sure i am elevating my swollen feet and legs. he even gave up "his" spot on the couch for me so that i can be the most comfortable. he makes sure i always have water and tums. he is one of the best men i know. i'm sorry if this is getting corny, but whatever. he deserves to hear how fabulous i think he is. basically i have felt very loved over these past months with multiple baby showers, notes, phone calls, texts, and visits. everyone around me has been pretty selfless and kind, which i can't quite express what that means to me. whether near or far, i have felt loved and appreciated. what a good feeling. it makes me want to be better. onto my second cup of hot chocolate for the day. raspberry again. i'm going to go do some dishes and read a book, because that is something that will calm me down and help me to center the chi again.
these are my thoughts for today.
love,
me.

12 comments:

Rachel said...

You are so beautiful, inside and out. :) I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt--that is never fun. I hope the hot chocolate and book fixes things. A good book always does for me.

Cathy said...

I like you and I don't even know you :)

Michelle said...

i love your thoughts jenna. I really do. I love how you speak about loving your baby...you speak like she is already in your arms looking up and staring into her beautiful mamma's eyes. She is one lucky baby, and it's never corny to hear about how much you love your husband. It actually brings tears to my eyes. love you.

SJ said...

Sesuo Robbins!

As tave myliu labai karsta. Never forget how much I love you.

Su daug meiles,

Sesuo Arklys...Haha

Michael & Mindy said...

I love your blog. I am a random reader, but I just love it. I liked hearing your thoughts. I liked hearing about your baby. I liked hearing about how much you love your husband. I liked this post.

Jason, Missy and Madden Streiff said...

hey you jenna. I love how the room turned out-sorry I'm always behind on things. But the window treatment is so cute...will you someday help me do that?? :)

SKV6 said...

LOVE this random thought blog, it's very simple/raw. good for you for getting it all out! it def helps at times!

Jared and Katy said...

I very much enjoy your raw honesty. It reminds me that there are still real and unsuperficial people in the world!

Erin said...

I love your thoughts. And I agree with everyone else. You are so beautiful inside and out. I dont even know you Jenna but I feel warm thoughts towards you because I think you have a HUGE heart. You seem to have a very balanced perspective to life and I really appreciate reading your thoughts. I'm sorry that you are having a moment of heart ache, but I'm glad that you are focusing on the happy. Have a very Merry Christmas! Enjoy that hot chocolate and your christmas tree, and the loves from your hubby (when he gets home.)

P.S. I love the line, "we are actually making out again." lol. Love it!

holtkamp said...

thank you thank you thank you jenna. exactly what i needed to read today. love ya.

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