so i've realized something about myself (and i've secretly always known it but never really admitted it). i really am too hard on myself. last night was a difficult night for me; i felt very inadequate and clueless... and even a little unfit for certain things. i told jake about the car seat article, and while i was talking about it i found myself getting a little teary-eyed. he kissed me and told me i was doing a really good job, and that i shouldn't be too on myself. as he walked away, i couldn't stop the tears and the anxiety that was building up inside of me. these feelings have been frequent with me lately. it hasn't been easy inside this heart and head of mine... to say the least. alas, i am too hard on myself, and that is something that i'm really going to work on.
i thank you for all of your nice and loving comments: i felt built up and confident because of them. thank you. i've looked back on this past week and realized all of the negative feelings i was having really were completely unnecessary. you're all correct when you say that i'm doing my best. this is true. and my best is MORE than enough. goldie is loved, cared for, fed properly, cuddled, kissed, kept warm, talked to, etc. etc. etc. she is a happy girl as far as i can tell, and on top of that she is healthy. why be hard on myself when all things are as they should be?
i feel sheepish about the post that i made last night when i referred to myself as a horrible, bad mother. i am none of those things. i'm realizing that i don't have many temptations right now. let me explain. i don't leave my house very often, i only watch the food network, and if i'm not doing that, i'm reading or taking care/playing/having girl talk with goldie. i'm not very distracted from these things. satan doesn't have much to work with, it seems. but i know he knows how important motherhood is to me, how long i've waited to be a mother, and how much i love goldie. if he can't get me in other ways, then he'll get me in this way: bogging me down with feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, hopelessness.... i could go on. well, he's not going to win with me this time. we've had this battle before, and i haven't always come out on top. but he's not getting me today. or tomorrow. or ever... if i can help it.
the truth is, i appreciated the comment about the article. for some odd reason, i took it personally, like i SHOULD'VE KNOWN. but i didn't, and that's okay. now i do. that seems to happen a lot with me; again, something i'm admitting that i've never admitted before. but when people give me advice, especially those close to me, for some reason i take it as a personal jab. i feel offended. how lame is that. i have no idea why or how that happens, but it does. i am now very aware of this weakness of mine, and i'm doing my best to overcome it. i need to learn that advice given to me is out of love, not out of spite. i'm learning.
so last night, during my pity party of me thinking i was a bad mom, i brainstormed different ways goldie could sleep. ummm.. not many options. how about a laundry basket? YES. this will work! we put a few blankets down, rolled a few other ones to put on the sides for cushion and for bundleness (not a word, but it is today), perfect. i put goldie in and she seemed pretty content. i felt happy and relieved. then she started pushing with her legs against the bottom of the laundry basket, which in turn caused her little head to push up against the top of the basket. a blanket above her head would've only made her more cramped.
laundry basket attempt = failed.
next idea. no other option except for the pack and play by our bed (see a few posts below to get a visual). scared. don't like this idea. she slept here the first night and it was a very long night. we got a ton of blankets and created a little pocket of bundleness for mrs. after a few tries, she finally fell asleep and did pretty well for the night. i was up a little more than usual, but i think after a few nights she will be used to sleeping on her back. i've also decided that during naps i'm going to put her in the pack and play as well so that she becomes very familiar with her sleeping place. currently she's been sleeping up there for a little over 2 hours. and she seems very content, happy, and cozy.
that is all for today.