this will be random. look out.

{ hi. looking pretty tired and out of it here. oh, that's because i am }

i feel like i need to document me feeling very tired but very happy. my poor goldie had a long night last night-- the first long night we've had since her very first night home. she was gassy and having a hard time getting it all out. i may have cried because for the first time ever in my life, i understood the feeling of a parent feeling completely helpless. there wasn't much i could do for her. milk wouldn't solve the problem. neither would kisses, or song, or blankies, or fingers gently rolling over her soft face (she loves that). instead, i pumped her legs back and forth, hoping that maybe it would help with something. eventually she found relief. she woke up every hour, wanting just a little bit of milk, but mostly wanting to be held i think. normally she wakes up every 2.5-3 hours, but last night i think she just needed to be loved and snuggled.

result = tired mom.

HOWEVER. she has been sleeping most of the day (i think she is tired after last night too). she had a bath this morning and didn't cry once. not even during the lotion part. she was so brave and i was so proud. sweet goldie.

during my long night, i had lots of time to think. my mind wanders into the most random places sometimes. i think the majority of people would be very surprised at some of the things i think about. i'm sure you are all similar in that way.

i found myself thinking about this movie:

500 days of summer.

i don't know if any of you remember my post about this movie when i first saw the trailer (it was almost a year ago). i was so excited to see it-- i love artsy films: they excite me. back then, i immediately downloaded the soundtrack and listened to nothing else for almost a month. i fell in love with regina spektor. i wanted to be zooey deschanel. i just couldn't wait. then, for some random reason, i waited until 3 weeks ago to see it. i ordered it from ON DEMAND and watched it by myself one night. i had very high expectations, and although i really liked it, i found myself feeling very disappointed in the end. i wanted the all american happy ending. i wanted them to be together. it just seemed right. and so i was disappointed.

until last night.

i was thinking about one of the end scenes. the most pivotal part of the movie, in my opinion. this one:

at first, i disliked this scene. it broke my heart and made me sad for tom. but last night i started thinking about it, and i completely changed my mind about it. in the middle of the night on january 21, i went from being completely disappointed with this scene to absolutely loving it. all of a sudden i realized that this scene, and the whole movie in general, is brilliant. it is REAL. how many times have you found yourself in love with someone, but they aren't in love with you? how many times have you thought, "this has to be it, or i will die." and then you find that the relationship is over, and you're devastated. years later, however, you realize it was for the best and you're way better off than you originally would've been. this scene is brilliant because it is pure honesty. this is a dream break-up, in my opinion. no yelling. no crying. there is understanding and genuine love for each person.

i love when she says: "you were right about destiny. you just weren't right about me."

well said, zooey.

this has become one of my favorite movies in a matter of 24 hours. amazing where the mind can wonder when you're breast feeding at 3 am. i told you this post would be random.

LASTLY, enjoy a picture of goldie girl and her big, cute eyes. she literally is sunshine to me.