29 March 2010

i know i've been quiet this past week.
my mind has been thinking about a million different things. my emotions have been running at an all-time high... and low, now that i think about it. i've found myself sinking into deep holes here and there, worrying about things that i wish i never had to worry about. about things i wish didn't exist. it's odd when you find yourself wishing you existed somewhere else so that you wouldn't have to feel pain and heartache, anger and sadness. and then it's another odd moment when you decide that you cannot waste another minute anguishing over something that is seemingly out of your control, so you move on. you feel sad for a minute, but you realize that you can't dwell on things that you can't change, so you move on. i did something this week that i've never done before (well, two nights ago, actually). i was laying in bed mulling over things that were heavy on my heart: conversations with old friends, new situations, old situations, current situations, i could go on and on. as soon as i started thinking about all these things, i realized quickly that i wouldn't be getting much sleep that night. and then i realized even more quickly that without that sleep, i wouldn't be able to be as good as a mom to goldie the next day like i normally would be. i wouldn't be able to be the good wife that i want to be for jake. it hit me: i simply cannot waste time on things that i don't have control over. i can't waste the energy on things that hurt me and things that i don't understand. so, i decided then and there to channel that negative energy into positive energy and to quit thinking and sleep. i really feel like it was a little bit of a tender mercy that i was able to shut off my mind so fast; that normally is very hard for me. but i think god knew that i was falling into a little bit of a depression, and being the good god that he is, he scooped me up and helped me right out of it. i woke up tired but internally refreshed. i felt motivation to be happier and to focus on the good, positive things in my life.
sometimes i want to close myself into a dark closet and never leave. but that's not me. that's never who i have been, so i'm not going to do it. i feel happy being home, surrounded by the things that make me feel whole and happy. it's a good place to be, and i am feeling happy and rejuvenated again.
challenge to you this week: sit back and find your happy place. define what truly makes you happy. figure out who is most important to you and fight like hell to keep them close. search for some clarity, and life will be all that much better.


abby said...

ooh, you are reading my thoughts tonight, jenna. so much. i wish i knew you in real life. i need a friend like you.

Amy said...

God is great. What a sweet mother you are to think of your daughter amidst your trials.

Michelle said...

i love your thoughts.

Rebecca said...

you're an incredible person. thanks for sharing your thoughts, which i can totally identify with. i hope you are feeling better.

Omega said...

Jenna I love checking in with you this way because even though we haven't seen each other in AGES we can still be close. How funny that one of your readers wrote that they wish they knew you in "real life" , as I read that I instantly felt, well, awesome since I'm lucky enough to be related to you!Some of the stuff you write is like reading my mind but I just can't put it into words quite like you can, just know that I love you and am thrilled we've reconnected! blanton317@hotmail.com - Omega