03 May 2010

i remember this day. it was a few weeks ago i think (it's hard to remember; the days are a blur to me lately). i felt in a happy mood. i was productive. i took pictures of my daughter. today i feel so small. today i feel very insignificant. i am a pro at covering up my feelings, honestly i am. if you need acting lessons, just come to me and i'll show you the ropes. when i lost my twins, people would say to me, "wow you're doing amazing. it's amazing how strong you are." while i appreciated their compliments, i knew they weren't real. night came and i would fall apart. you see, during the day, things are great for the most part. i feel happy and i feel like i have a purpose. but for some reason when the sun goes down and my family is in bed, the night grabs at my throat and suffocates the life out of me. this doesn't happen always, in fact it doesn't even happen often. but tonight is one of those nights where i am feeling bad about myself. if you want me to be really honest, i will. please don't leave me comments saying all the great things you think about me. i know i am loved, but sometimes i just need to vent and be listened to. i have a private journal blog that i was going to do all this writing on, but i realized that i wanted to be heard. but that's it. heard. and nothing more. i wish i was one of those people who when they get emotional or depressed they lose their appetite. i am the complete opposite. i eat more and more... it's a bad place to be. i'd stop eating all together if i could, but i'd lose my milk. okay, i'd never REALLY stop eating because i love food too much and i'm a relatively healthy person. whatever, you know what i mean. sometimes i feel invisible. sometimes i feel unappreciated. most of the time, though, i feel visible and appreciated. but those "sometimes" occasionally hit me hard, and i'm having one of those moments. sometimes i want to run and run and never stop, but i can't lately because i am too exhausted in the mornings to get up and run. and i don't even have a legitimate excuse because goldie sleeps through the night and most of the morning. i. just. can't. do. it. because. i. am. tired. sometimes i wish i had control over my appetite, but i don't lately. sometimes i want to be done with summer sales. sometimes i don't. i say "i" like i'm the one out selling alarm systems and coming home hungry and exhausted. i am not. but dangit the job affects me too. sometimes i want to be worshipped by husband. most of the time, actually. sometimes i want to be left alone. sometimes i want another baby so that goldie can have a sibling that is close in age to her. other times i want to keep her to myself forever. how selfish of me. sometimes i look in the mirror and cannot believe who i have become. i feel proud. but other times i look in the mirror and think, "what have you become?" i don't look like my old self, and i'd be lying straight to this screen if i said i didn't miss me. i don't mind getting older, and i welcome whatever comes with it. but sometimes i just don't feel pretty anymore. or sexy. or attractive. sometimes i look in the mirror and think, "you're looking quite rough today jenna." and i don't even do anything about it. sometimes i cannot believe my thunder thighs. sometimes i can't look at my skinny friends and sisters because it's hard for me to not compare. and sometimes that can be very difficult for me. sometimes it's hard to hear things like, "your sister looks so awesome after having a baby. you guys have such different bodies!" um, what does that mean? i love my sister though, so it doesn't really matter. sometimes i want to sit in front of the tv all day long. but other times i want to throw it out the window and kick every random person out of my house so that i can BREATHE and have some quiet at night. because night is what really gets me sometimes, and i don't like it. there are times when i want to cry but can't, and then there are times where i try my best to hold it in but i can't. awesome. i am not perfect, nor will i ever be. i love my daughter so much that i can't write this sentence without crying. it just hit me that my parents had to give our family cat away, and now i'm crying even harder. i literally feel like crying forever right now, because it seems like the only thing to do. it's funny because i know i'll wake up in the morning feeling fine. my pity party (yes, i'm having one right now... if it isn't obvious) will be over and i'll laugh at this post and think, jenna you are a funny one. but then i'll remember that my feelings are real and that they matter. and i'll remember that it's okay to have these moments where life throws reality right in your face and you know that there are things that you must, absolutely MUST change. i can't type anymore. it's just depressing. just let me have my bad, lonely night. i'll be fine in the morning, and i mean that. goodnight.

15 comments:

Jennie said...

Being human is hard. Sometimes harder than other times. But I think many many people experience night time melancholia, not just you. We work all day, and when we're productive, we push it away. We push it away too, when we're zoning out in front of the tube, entertaining ourselves on the internet, out with friends. But the insides of our own skulls is the loneliest place. I know how you feel. If I opened the floodgates, I could cry until my last breath. Life hurts, simply because it is, in all it's amazingness, and horribleness. It's all there, all the time. We all put up shields to deal with it. It's survival.

I'm glad you're honest. Although I'm not LDS, I read a lot of lds blogs, and while most seem happy, a lot of them seem slighty delusional. I think it's best to call a spade a spade, and admit to the negative side of light, not in the least because it's sets a better backdrop to let the positive stand out and shine.

Jennie said...

Was not trying to generalize the lds blog phenomenon by the way. Just calling it as I see it. I love reading them to, for the optimistism and drive that they have.

azmama said...

I'm not sure I've ever commented on your blog ( I do love the cooking blog!) but I just had to today - your post is so real, so honest and so true. I think a lot of women feel this way, especially after having a baby and no one talks about it. I have 2 kiddos (6 & 4) and I remember just how some days seemed so insurmountable...becoming a mother changes you in ways you could never imagine and it is so hard some days. And, I feel you on the body image. I am also surrounded by people who have amazing bodies after babies, and frankly, I'm still trying to lose 20 lbs. from my last pregnancy...uh, 4 years ago. :)

I hope this morning things are looking brighter. :)

jenna said...

i understand these feelings so completely. xo.

Amanda and Matt Dalton said...

Jenna, thanks for being so real. I have the same feelings sometimes...and I don't even have a sweet little baby to take care of 24/7. I don't have a care in the world really (except a job), but somehow almost weekly find myself feeling badly about how poorly I am at keeping up with the housework, how it seems all my friends have become marathon runners yet I am not nor do I have time to run that much (I don't even really want to either! I just compare myself), making meals for the 2 of us led alone making sure there is food in the house haha, folding the clean laundry, etc. Perhaps these are feelings that we as women are susceptible to, whatever stage in life we are at. We are our own worse critics. Thanks for blogging about this! And have a great day!

Michael and Mindy said...

This is so real. I love it. Sometimes I want to copy you word-for-word because it's like you're writing my thoughts. You are not alone, sister!

Cortney said...

Hey Jenna-
This may or may not make you feel any better, not sure, but here it goes: Have you ever been tested for hypo-thyroidism? Not by a traditional ENT. (Don't get me wrong, I'm quite grateful for modern medicine!) But by a naturopath?
I ask only because I used to have symptoms that sound similar to yours: I had repeated miscarriages, stubborn weight, exhaustion/feeling tired a lot, moments (however infrequent) where I was just down on myself & sad...there are other little things too, like poor circulation in hands & feet, thinning hair, acne, trouble with milk production as a nursing mom...the list goes on! Everything I just mentioned is hormone & therefore thyroid related.
Anyway, I was seen by my mom's naturopath in Boulder and it was determined that while my body was producing enough thyroid hormones, I wasn't absorbing them very well. They hooked me up with some medicine that helps me absord stuff better.
I feel amazing. I have energy to keep up with my 2 little boys...weight is coming off in a healthy way...it's great! And yes, I still have moments of just :blah:, but as you know- that's just part of this mortal experience.
OK! I think that's all I had to say!
Oh, and you rock.

Kenzie said...

Hi Jenna,
I know you don't know me and I usually would never comment on a strangers blog. I found your blog from Alexis and Mike Poelman and I read it religiously. I know everyones comments have pretty much said everything I am going to say but I just wanted you to know how much your post meant to me. I had a baby 7 months ago and even now I feel guilty or mad at myself that I still have "those" feelings creep up on me. I thought that motherhood would bring pure joy and while it does it also brings something else, a word I don't even know to describe it. Guilt? Loss of identity? I dont' know but thank you for being honest. It helps to read this and be reminded that not everyone out there is feeling perfect, looking perfect, being a perfect wife and mother. It is hard not to compare, I do all the time, but just remember that someone out there is comparing themselves to you and your life may look perfect to them. Atleast thats what I tell myself. Thank you for your beautiful blog and words. I look forward to reading it everyday.
Thanks for your honesty, I needed it. When I have those days I love to read this story, "the invisible mother". I don't know if you have read it but it helps me understand my role as a woman, mother and wife. My blog is private but hopefully this link will send you to the story, if not leave me your email address and I would love to add you so you can read this. http://joekenziegenevieve.blogspot.com/search?q=cathedrals

thanks from one mother to another.

Erin said...

Jenna, thank you for sharing these thoughts. They help me because I have some of these same thoughts sometimes. When I hear them coming from you I see how silly they are, but I know that when I (and you) are in those moments that those fears and feelings and that exhaustion just seems so overwhelming. Sometimes you just need to have those moments, and recognize them for what they are and then give your self a pep talk and keep on moving. You are doing great. I dont know you in real life, but none the less I admire you. Loves and hugs! -Erin-

sam said...

the blogging world so is strange. Sometimes I have to consciously stop myself from looking at all these stranger's blogs/lives who seem ever perfect wrapped up in a beautiful red bow. It just makes me feel inadequate and sad.
I'm a huge believer that one of the greatest ways to use this tool of mass communication lies in being honest. If you dare. Sometimes I remind myself that I have real thoughts and I should record them. That's when I blog. All this is to say, good for you...for being brave. You are not alone.

POJO Fitness said...

why didn't tell me something was wrong with you when i talked to you last night! fag!

i love you.. hope you REALLY ARE feeling better today. and, i am very sorry about kali. ( I swear I am being sincere no smile on face at all swear).

mattie said...

i don't think i have ever commented, but i really love your blog. i hope you don't mind.

i know how you feel. feeling sexy after giving birth was near impossible for me. my baby is 20 months old and it took me a long time to accept my body and actually feel like it looked good again. nobody ever talks about how you're going to feel about your body after birth, and i think a lot of women are shocked by the feelings of worthlessness that creep in. i mean, we sacrifice our BODIES to bring children into the world. our bodies tell people who we are in a sense. as much as we say we hate to judge people by their appearance, we do, so we feel like people are judging us because we're not what we used to be. that was hard for me to accept. but then you snuggle with your baby and everything--the body image struggles, the lethargy--is all completely worth it.

just wanted to say i've felt some of those feelings, too. and goldie is gorgeous.

andrea.roche said...

I feel like sexy was lost when baby came.

I WANT SEXY BACK! Let me know if you figure how....sigh...

Michelle said...

Jenna - I read these posts that you write, and feel like I am reading about myself sometimes. Thank you for putting into words, what I can't even put in my brain sometimes. But then you type it up, and it all makes sense to me. I started running again, and was doing really well...then this week...I was just TIRED. and like you, can't blame the baby who sleeps 10-11 hours a night....it's just my body, and my brain, and they can't match up to feel the same way on the same day. Just know that you're not alone, and thanks for making me feel that way too. (sorry, I know you said you didn't want comments)

Lonny said...

yeah sometimes you just want someone to understand and listen, not try to fix it. thank you for sharing :)