j and j

i remember this day. it was a few weeks ago i think (it's hard to remember; the days are a blur to me lately). i felt in a happy mood. i was productive. i took pictures of my daughter. today i feel so small. today i feel very insignificant. i am a pro at covering up my feelings, honestly i am. if you need acting lessons, just come to me and i'll show you the ropes. when i lost my twins, people would say to me, "wow you're doing amazing. it's amazing how strong you are." while i appreciated their compliments, i knew they weren't real. night came and i would fall apart. you see, during the day, things are great for the most part. i feel happy and i feel like i have a purpose. but for some reason when the sun goes down and my family is in bed, the night grabs at my throat and suffocates the life out of me. this doesn't happen always, in fact it doesn't even happen often. but tonight is one of those nights where i am feeling bad about myself. if you want me to be really honest, i will. please don't leave me comments saying all the great things you think about me. i know i am loved, but sometimes i just need to vent and be listened to. i have a private journal blog that i was going to do all this writing on, but i realized that i wanted to be heard. but that's it. heard. and nothing more. i wish i was one of those people who when they get emotional or depressed they lose their appetite. i am the complete opposite. i eat more and more... it's a bad place to be. i'd stop eating all together if i could, but i'd lose my milk. okay, i'd never REALLY stop eating because i love food too much and i'm a relatively healthy person. whatever, you know what i mean. sometimes i feel invisible. sometimes i feel unappreciated. most of the time, though, i feel visible and appreciated. but those "sometimes" occasionally hit me hard, and i'm having one of those moments. sometimes i want to run and run and never stop, but i can't lately because i am too exhausted in the mornings to get up and run. and i don't even have a legitimate excuse because goldie sleeps through the night and most of the morning. i. just. can't. do. it. because. i. am. tired. sometimes i wish i had control over my appetite, but i don't lately. sometimes i want to be done with summer sales. sometimes i don't. i say "i" like i'm the one out selling alarm systems and coming home hungry and exhausted. i am not. but dangit the job affects me too. sometimes i want to be worshipped by husband. most of the time, actually. sometimes i want to be left alone. sometimes i want another baby so that goldie can have a sibling that is close in age to her. other times i want to keep her to myself forever. how selfish of me. sometimes i look in the mirror and cannot believe who i have become. i feel proud. but other times i look in the mirror and think, "what have you become?" i don't look like my old self, and i'd be lying straight to this screen if i said i didn't miss me. i don't mind getting older, and i welcome whatever comes with it. but sometimes i just don't feel pretty anymore. or sexy. or attractive. sometimes i look in the mirror and think, "you're looking quite rough today jenna." and i don't even do anything about it. sometimes i cannot believe my thunder thighs. sometimes i can't look at my skinny friends and sisters because it's hard for me to not compare. and sometimes that can be very difficult for me. sometimes it's hard to hear things like, "your sister looks so awesome after having a baby. you guys have such different bodies!" um, what does that mean? i love my sister though, so it doesn't really matter. sometimes i want to sit in front of the tv all day long. but other times i want to throw it out the window and kick every random person out of my house so that i can BREATHE and have some quiet at night. because night is what really gets me sometimes, and i don't like it. there are times when i want to cry but can't, and then there are times where i try my best to hold it in but i can't. awesome. i am not perfect, nor will i ever be. i love my daughter so much that i can't write this sentence without crying. it just hit me that my parents had to give our family cat away, and now i'm crying even harder. i literally feel like crying forever right now, because it seems like the only thing to do. it's funny because i know i'll wake up in the morning feeling fine. my pity party (yes, i'm having one right now... if it isn't obvious) will be over and i'll laugh at this post and think, jenna you are a funny one. but then i'll remember that my feelings are real and that they matter. and i'll remember that it's okay to have these moments where life throws reality right in your face and you know that there are things that you must, absolutely MUST change. i can't type anymore. it's just depressing. just let me have my bad, lonely night. i'll be fine in the morning, and i mean that. goodnight.