crop circles in the carpet, sinking.. feeling.

 photo found here

there are things that i feel like i've missed out on in life.  like dance lessons, for example.  why did i never take dance lessons?  oh probably because i was the biggest tomboy you'd have ever seen in your entire existence.  typical third-grade attire included: sambas, homemade umbros (my mom refused to buy me real ones, so she made her own and even put her own "robbins" logo on it.  my mom...), my dad's flannel shirt, unbuttoned, and my "soccer is life, the rest is just details" or "your six-figure income and your country club membership don't mean nothin' on the court" t-shirt.  yes, that is exactly what they said, too.  the night before school, every single night, i would take a shower and then slick my hair back into a very tight pony-tail.  i did this because i didn't want to do my hair in the morning.  did i mention i had huge, round glasses?  like i said, major tomboy.  naturally i didn't take dance lessons.  i played soccer instead, and that was all i did.  i also beat up boys who messed with me and my friend laura williamson on the way home from sidney fenn elementary(don't you love first and last names of childhood friends? i do).  one time, these boys were throwing snow balls at us.  no, they were ice balls to be exact.  so, i took matters into my own hands and ran after them, ditching my backpack, and tackled them down.  looking back though, i would've loved to take dance lessons, although i would've never admitted it.

i used to have small boobs, and now they are not so small.  i kind of dislike my breasts... a lot actually.  they are filled with milk, which is great, but sometimes i wish for my smaller breasts because they made the rest of me feel smaller too.  now i just feel like i'm some curvacious, soft woman, which is fine i guess if you lived back in the 1800s (for me anyway... i am used to being pretty muscular... i've never been rail thin, never will be.  ugh, you know what i mean).  i know i'll be smaller again one day, and with the small will be sagging and lifelessness.  ahh, the joys of motherhood.  i just keep telling asking politely for jake to put me all back together one day.  we'll see what happens.  i mean i was cleaning my bathtub the other day and my arm was going back and forth really fast (because i'm good at scrubbing), and my butt was jiggling because of that movement.  shoot me.

i've got zero energy these days.  i mean, hardly any.  whatever energy i do have, i put into goldie.  the rest goes to jake.  and then i crash.

my hair is out of control.  my friend shannyn is doing it tomorrow, and i am very thankful.  it hasn't been done since april.  wow.  i hardly even do it anymore.  i shower, let it air-dry until it's a frizzy semi-curly mess.  then i put baby powder in it because my roots are so bad.  then i put it up.  i've decided that it's not a matter of want, but i NEED bangs always.  when i have bangs, i have motivation to do my hair.  i can't just let the crazy "eve" wave take control when i've got bangs... so i'm contemplating that again.  you don't care about any of this, i know.  sorry.

i'm sounding kind of bitter in this post, aren't i.  i'm not bitter... i've got nothing to be bitter about.

i'm listening to frou frou, "let go."  i forgot how much i love this song.  "there is beauty in the breakdown." i've always loved that lyric.  it makes me feel okay when i'm having a minor breakdown about who knows what.  i just keep telling myself that what is happening is kind of beautiful in an odd way, and then i feel better.  i also forgot how much i love the movie garden state, which is the movie that made this song really popular.  so good.

anyway, enough rambling.  good night.