19 July 2010
it's safe to assume that this made me slightly emotional and eternally thankful that i'm not alone in this crazy journey called motherhood. i've been thinking a lot about it lately, what my real role is and how i'm even going to get there successfully in the end. i know i've said it before... we are all the best moms for our individual children. i am the best mom possible for goldie. and you are the best mom possible for your child/children. i really believe that. i have to admit, and i admit this very humbly, that goldie has never been hard for me. she is a very good and happy baby, and it is VERY rare if i lose my patience with her. in fact, i can't even remember the last time that happened. i've realized though that the role of motherhood goes way beyond just taking care of a baby or child. it involves those around you, whether you like it or not. i've learned that i am a little protective of my role as a mother, and i don't think it's a very good thing (for me, at least). i'm learning to harness those feelings of protection and loosen up a bit, but it hasn't been easy for me. the truth is this: i feel like i've experienced a lot of loss. i'm not naiive. i know that i will have a lot of loss in this lifetime, and trust me, i'm not looking forward to it. without going into my life story thus far, my first experience of loss happened to me when i was 12 with my grandpa. then age 15 with my best friend. and it seemed to consistently go on throughout the years. there were times when i felt like i had to grow up really fast, and oftentimes it felt unfair. looking back though, i know that those losses prepared me for "dealing" with the loss of my twins and a miscarriage after that. i don't necessarily feel like getting into all that again, but it was unbearably difficult and to be honest, the entire thing sent me into a spiraling downfall of depression and anger. it took a toll on my faith, it took a toll on my marriage, and it took a toll on my soul. but i have been extremely blessed since then. i look back on that memory and all pain that came with it, and i feel a great sense of peace knowing that everything is part of this beautiful plan that heavenly father has for me. but those losses have made me a little protective, and even maybe a little possessive (that's really hard for me to admit, by the way) of goldie. she simply means everything to me. i look at her and i see this incredible miracle. a miracle that grew inside of me. a miracle that i know so very well. there are times when goldie and i make eye contact and i swear we just get each other. she looks at me a lot, very seriously sometimes, and i just smile at her hoping that she's studying me and learning things about me. she always smiles back, and i can't tell you the happiness that brings me. unfortunately though, because i feel like i know her best, better than anyone, i'm not good at accepting advice or even hearing it. i take it personally, which i'm slowly learning that i really don't need to be that way. i ask myself about 20 times a day why i'm like that, but maybe without having to try and explain myself, some new moms will just understand. what i've learned though, is that goldie, jake, and i are surrounded by so much love. she is one of the most loved babies i know, and what more could i ask for than that? i can't explain to you how hard i try to improve myself every day. i've spent countless hours on my knees in prayer to the lord begging to know what i can do to be a better mom, a better wife, sister, sister-in-law, daughter, daughter-in-law, neighbor, friend... you name it. i am often hard on myself when i really don't need to be. i've felt serious affirmations of love from above, and because of that, i know that i can relax a bit, allow people to love my daughter, and just be happy with who i am and what i'm doing with my life. motherhood is a huge blessing, one that i've always dreamed and prayed for. i'm doing all i can to take advantage of that. i hope you'll do the same. it's not always easy, but as president holland said, it will forever be worth all of the effort.