08 July 2010


 love this little kitchen.

last night was one of those nights where i was feeling so anxious that i couldn't fall asleep for a little while. i had a lot going on in my mind, and to tell you the truth i was basically talkign to myself (in my mind of course), writing the perfect post.  i had so much to say, and i honestly contemplated getting up and just sitting down and typing.  i must've fallen asleep soon after that, because i definitely didn't get up and i definitely forgot about the post.

sometimes i feel like a slave to this blog.  i feel the constant pressure of updating, because that's what you do with blogs.  you update, you talk about what's going on with you and your family, you post some photos, whatever.  all blogs are different, which i really appreciate.  but then i started thinking about it... in fact, i've really been thinking about it a lot lately (hence the lack of posting).  why do i have to update anyone on anything that's going on in our lives?  when did that become a priority?  why do i care what people think about it?  

does anyone even read this blog anymore?

i guess i just feel like life is getting busier and busier, and it's not going to slow down until my children are grown and out of the house. so the blog falls down on my priority list... and sometimes i just think about quitting it all together.  going private was so annoying, and sometimes i wish i never would have because it would just be easier to leave it the way it was.  but easy isn't always best.  in fact, i've learned that the more difficult something is, the more worth it it is in the end.  protection is important, i know that.  such is life.

i just don't know what life is going to throw at us next.  i don't know where we'll end up in the next year or so, and for some reason, the unknown makes me a little nervous.  usually i am totally okay with change and with not necessarily knowing what the next step is.  but i do like to have a plan.  we have a plan... sort of.

i guess what it all comes down to is that i have to practice having faith.  i feel like i've always tried my best to literally put my will into heavenly father's hands, saying, "okay, i trust you completely.  my heart is yours.  my life is yours.  my will is yours.  do with me what you will, and mold me into who you want me to become.  and please, forgive me for my weaknesses throughout the whole process, will you?"  every night i pray that things will fall into place as they should, that the lord will send us the blessings we need.  he always follows through, and i honestly do not doubt.  i am confident in him.  but i am also human, and that's where the anxiety comes into play.  our life is changing every day.  goldie is growing, and new things are coming and it's always quite the adventure.  i embrace the adventure.  i welcome it.  but i'm allowed to be a little nervous about it.

jake is really good at keeping me grounded.  i often get emotional and worry... but he is just so relaxed and so even-keeled that it reminds me that i am completely dramatic when i don't have to be.  yes, i am admitting that i am dramatic... occasionally.  i've been better.  but i have my moments every once in awhile.  he always says, "why worry when we know everything will work out.  it always does."  he is SO right.  i hate and love when he's right.  ha.

anyway, this is all jumbled and what it all comes down to is that in reality we live a very blessed and normal life.  my baby is healthy.  my marriage is good.  we laugh, we argue, but mostly, we laugh.  we have food on the table and a warm bed and we've got the gospel to keep us grounded.  what am i so freaking worried about?  writing this all out honestly has helped me a lot, even in just the last ten minutes.  sometimes i just need to think about things, process them in my mind, and realize that i've got nothing to worry about.

and i don't.  so i'm okay.

i feel better.  thanks for letting me work through this through this silly little blog of mine.  i'm not going to stress about this blog, by the way.  i'll update when i want to and i'll also take breaks when i want to.  i do appreciate the readership though.  come back whenever you want.  you're always more than welcome.

have a great day.

goldie likes to sit with me while i get ready for the day.  she loves her best friend in the mirror...apparently the mirror friend is the funniest person she knows.  goldie is so fabulous.


katie said...

oh i LOVE that last picture! so so cute. how do you not eat her???

Erin + Geoff said...

Goldie is so big.. i hardly recognize her! I love reading your blog and so yes, it does get read and it is appreciated! I sometimes am not able to get on for a few weeks but I always look back from the last post I read. miss you guys!