18 July 2011

i'll post 16 pictures if i want to.

so.. lately...

would have been an even lovelier family photo had i not thrown up ten minutes before.  this hernia i have... when it flares up, it is like fire i tell you.  bed head and no makeup... regretting that.

i truly love these little girls.

it's always late at night when my thoughts really start going, which can be a blessing and a curse.  i should definitely be in bed right now but i know i'll just be laying there mulling over the millions of thoughts that are basically pouring out of my ears right now because there's no more room in my brain.  life is too busy... there's too much going on and it's starting to feel a little overwhelming to me.  there are parts of me that say, "self, this is your moment to shine.  this is your moment to be a grownup and do what needs to be done to take care of your family. you are the matriarch!"  i feel motivated, i do the work, and then the work keeps happening and it's one thing after another when i originally thought it was all taken care of.... i swear it just never ends.  when did being a grown-up become so annoying?

i laid in bed saturday night and just cried for a little while.  i really felt overwhelmed and kind of felt like giving up in life.  the day had been a good one but it had been long.  i felt exhausted.  i felt confused with my thoughts because i just couldn't keep things straight.  i was feeling alone, even though i'm surrounded by lots of love.  i was feeling lowly and sad for random reasons.  and then i was even mad at myself for feeling all of those things because i don't have one thing to complain about in my life.  i really don't.  my laundry had been sitting in a huge pile in the corner for 3 days because i would look at it and feel so overwhelmed that it made me shudder.  that's not me, like, at all. the fact is, though, that when you're doing one thing after another and you make all these efforts to run a smooth ship (i'm referring to this move and all the details that go along with it), and then things come back to bite you straight in the ass (sorry but i just feel like that word is more appropriate than "butt" right now), it becomes more than frustrating.  anyway.  i got through it.  said a lot of prayers, cried a lot, tried to sleep... instead of feeling frustrated that goldie randomly woke up at 2:30 crying super hard, i decided to enjoy my one on one time with my little sleepy head and take in as many cuddles as she would give me.  instead of sleeping in and avoiding the craziness of getting ready for church the next morning, i got up and showered and made the effort and it paid off.  it ended up being a wonderful sunday and i felt rejuvenated and empowered to do the things that i need to do in this next month.  jake has taught me to never be afraid, to never let anyone tell me what i can and can't do, and to be confident in who i am and my abilities to do what it takes to get whatever i want accomplished.  so that's what i will do.  we'll see how it goes.

we're landlords now... huge blessing we found a renter, but it's also a huge hassle getting everything squared away.  i'm not going to get into that portion of life because it's not worth discussing.  but it is causing me stress and i'm doing my best to breathe in and out.  it's been a learning process... a humbling learning process.  enough about that.  i called 7 moving companies today to get quotes and whatnot.  i spent my entire morning and early afternoon on the phone.  i truly dislike being on the phone.  i don't have time for it anymore, you know what i'm saying?  there's too much going on-- i can't focus on whatever the conversation is with whomever i'm talking to because i've got goldie being crazy horse (as she very well should, dangit) and annie either needing a boob or be entertained... it's just too much happening at once.  i'm kind of loving that i'm alone sitting at the kitchen counter right now.  all i can hear are crickets and frogs outside.  i was telling jake yesterday that sometimes i want to go crazy because i'm never alone anymore.  like, truly alone.  except right now i am, so it's nice.  not that i want to be alone all the time but i am a serious advocate and believer that silence, or at least some quiet time, is essential for any human to feel sane.  period.  i'm sure i'll be eating my words in a month when jake is traveling and i'll be alone while my girls are sleeping, missing him and missing them.  or maybe not.  who knows.  but this moving business is seriously stressful; i'm doing my best to remain calm and to be an adult about it.  i just want to make the best decision i can, you know?  it's like you call and get all this information from 10 different people, and then it all starts sounding the same and i'm thinking, "does this really even freaking matter?"  but i feel better after having done some research and i know that in the end, it will work out.  it always does.  getting through it, however, is an entire other process.

then i start thinking about leaving georgia and it makes me feel sad inside.  i have loved living with my parents and i have felt so incredible lucky to be able to be here with them during this busy time in my life.  they have been more than helpful and have made me feel so much at ease during times when i've felt unbelievably tense.  that takes true talent, my friends.  i'm so blessed.  it will be sad to leave, but then again it will be good to be in my own place with my own things again.  i am excited for that.

ahh... this home in san francisco.  i'm excited to live in it.  we found a great place in a great town with great neighbors and a great landlord.  that's a whole lotta greats.  it will be fun to make it our home.  

did anyone else feel so bad for aimes tonight?  poor guy is so intellectual that he almost doesn't know how to be social.  but i just love him!  i really felt so bad... my mom and i were dying.  i hope he finds love.  but i really did love his picnic under the magnolia tree... and all that jazz about making incredible things out of the ordinary.  that is truth right there.

i caught goldie praying today, twice, on her own.  it melted my heart and made me feel so proud of her.  she was sitting on the third stair up.  i looked over and her head was bowed, her little eyes were fluttering half closed, and she was speaking in her heavenly language.  i could've died happy right then and there.  then during dinner, she was in her chair enjoying her salmon and broccoli and sweet potatoes (you wouldn't believe how much she loves broccoli and salmon), and i was doing the dishes.  i turned around and there she was again, bowing her head, eyes fluttered closed, saying a little prayer.  i said, "are you saying a prayer goldie? that is such a good job!  i'm so proud of you!"  she just smiled and said, "A-MEEEAAANNN!"  translation: amen.  bless her heart.

i love those little dears of mine.  i was telling a friend tonight that they literally keep me grounded and sane, but at the same time they occasionally make me insane and want to float away and never come back.  those times are few and far between though... they are happy girls, which makes me feel like i'm doing an okay job.

anyway, we're busy over here but life is good and sweet.  we get to see our dada again in a week and a half... i can make it until then.  he makes everything better.

i quote the weepies, one of my all-time favorite bands:

Can I get up in the moming
Put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say "hey" to the sun...
Is it enough to write a song and sing it to the birds?
They'd hear just the tune
Not understand my love for words
But you would hear me and know

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

I dreamed you first
But not so real
And everyday since I've found you
Such moments we steal
Like little thieves, we rub our hands
We hold our hearts between them.
But will you hear me and know?

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.

Move on, move on
Time is accelerating.
Drive on all night
Traffic lights and one-ways.
Move on, move on
Parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air
Let's stay here.

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name
And every star at night.
We'll weave our days together like waves
And particles of light.

I want only this, I want to live
I want to live a simple life.


soon enough, my friends.  soon enough.  goodnight.


jennyjaynes said...

I admit to shedding a tear for Ames. Oh I wish she felt something for him--you can tell she wanted to. He seemed so broken on the way home. Sad. Glad someone else was feeling the pain!

Where are my Mary Jane's? said...

Why can't we live closer?? I can't stop reading your blog because it so accurately describes how I feel so often! And I know this time as a mom of young babies close in age will pass quickly, but then I hear that it just gets crazier with recitals and sports and school and homework, etc. So I'm sitting in the midst of homemade tambourines, library books, and dirty diapers with a baby in my lap that just learned to say "babababa" and I'm loving it. But it is OH so hard. Did I mention that I'm in the nastiest painting clothes ever because in the midst of it all I'm trying desperately to beautify my little house?? best of luck with your move.

Erin + Geoff said...

its good to hear how you are REALLY doing. a lot of things you said made me think, and that's why i love when you share your thoughts. thank you.

Mike and Alexis said...

cute. times 16.

Annalisa said...

sometimes i wonder why my mother never told me that being a mom is so hard sometimes...i think she knew that i'd learn the same truth as she learned herself that motherhood is never ends and is always overwhelming, but when all else fails...smiling tends to serve as buffering the craziness. i've learned to smile in the car and really focus on smiling...its done wonders for motivating me to be nice when the laundry piles up and the dishes pile up and i've even given myself the day off from chores...we call it family fun day! i take mini vacations from it.

ps my sister just move to san mateo...i hear san fran is lovely.