like lightening... strike my brain.

i had an epiphany yesterday... and it was kind of a big one.  do you ever have those moments where all of a sudden you can feel yourself breath and you realize that you're actually living?  sounds dramatic, but that's kind of what it was like.

in may, i started working out at crossfit (or you can click here for the local crossfit website; this is the one i go to every day).  i was very determined to change my way of life, meaning that i wanted to push my body to do things it had never done before and i wanted to have a lifestyle change with what i ate and how i treated my body.  it's been a very enlightening adventure for me, and i have seen major results and i feel so much better about myself physically and even mentally.  when i began, i told myself that unless i was on vacation or sick, i was going to do this every single day. no matter how challenging the workout (if you know anything about crossfit, you know it is NOT easy by any means), i was going to complete it and even get to the point where i was finishing first in my class every day.  there was a lot of determination building inside of me and i think for the first time in a long time i grabbed the reigns of something i felt passionate about and i followed through with what i had set out to do.  there are a lot of things that i've done in my life where i've said, yeah i'm going to do this, and then i never completed it or i gave up for whatever reason before it was over.  lame.  anyway, there is a reason i'm telling you all of this.

my epiphany happened while i was at crossfit yesterday.  the workout included climbing a rope:

this is not me, obviously.  but this is my gym and that is one of the ropes.  the great thing about crossfit is that if you aren't able to complete some of the tasks within the workout of the day (or the WOD as we affectionately call them) because you're not strong enough yet or whatever, then you can scale down to whatever works for you.  in this particular workout, if you couldn't do the rope climb, then you scale that part of the workout to 8 chin-ups. make sense?  before the workout began, my trainer asked me if i was going to do the rope.  automatically i said, "no."  he asked me why.  my reply, "well, i can't."  he glared at me like he always does and then proceeded to give me a demonstration on how to do it.  so, i tried it, and i did it.  the rope gets kind of high, as you can see in the photo, so it's a little intimidating.  but as soon as i pushed the words "i can't" out of my head, i was literally amazed and what i could do.  the workout had 10 rounds, and i only did the rope on 3 of them, but still... it was more than i ever thought i could do, and it's all because i decided that i can.

it was a proud moment for me.  i got in the car after the workout feeling like a champion.  why did i never try that before?  i had skipped the rope climb on other workouts simply because i already had told myself that i couldn't do it.  what a waste.  that's when the epiphany hit me.  how many other times have i said "i can't?" oh, maybe 6,016.  i feel like the word "can't" happens way too often in my vocabulary, but i only realized that i say it all the time just yesterday.

what i understand now is this:  i can.  i can do A LOT of things that i never thought i could do.  i can fly with two children and come out alright.  i can be very independent when i need to be (past 4 months, hello).  i can get my daughter's drool in my mouth and not throw up.  i can kill any insect, even if it's huge, that threatens to mess with my daughters (if you know me, you know this is a huge step in life for me).  i can wake up 4 times during the night and then wake up at 8 am for the day and still have enough energy to make it through the day taking care of these two girls.  i can nurse and cook at the same time.  i can carry two babies up 3 flights of stairs.  i can give kisses endlessly.  i can kiss a bumped head while changing a poopy diaper.  i can create random recipes with random ingredients when i've forgotten to go to the store.  i can shop with two babies.  i can shower and get ready in 10 minutes.  i can have patience when there is a crying baby because the other older baby accidentally stepped on the little one.  i can read a book and change a wet diaper at the same time (only because i can memorize).  i can wake up early on a sunday morning and get myself ready along with two little girls, cook breakfast, and pack a diaper bag and i'm only 5 minutes late for church.  success!  i can teach my daughter words.  i can teach her how to pray.  i can teach her how to sing songs, to laugh, "to eat pizza, and apples, and ice cream" (goldie would get that...it's a quote from her favorite book).  i can sing every song on sesame street, and i know all of the names of the characters.  i can remind my daughters how much their dad loves them and how much he wishes he could be here (oohhh soon enough!).  i can forgive those who have hurt me.  i can forgive those who have hurt my husband, and my family.  i can pray often and laugh often and live more fully.  i can accept my weaknesses and turn them into strengths (this takes awhile, but it's possible.  i have proof, but only a little... still working).  i can love hard.  i can allow myself moments to cry, and i can allow myself moments to shake it off, broaden my shoulders, and do what needs to be done.

i can do more things than things that i can't.  yeah, say that ten times fast.  does that even make sense?  you get me.

most importantly, i can understand that the reason i am capable of doing all of these things is that i have a very loving father in heaven who blesses me with the ability to do so every. single. day.

i also have family who helps me when i need it.  love them.

i think we all can do more than we think we can.  we just have to stop telling ourselves that we can't, stop weakening ourselves when we're actually a lot stronger than we think we are.  i am done saying the word "can't." i really am.  whoever thought climbing a rope would lead me to such a powerful thought?  it's a thought that turned into a mantra that has turned into something that i feel like i should share.  so there it is.


i can do life.  and so can you.