j and j

saw this on my friend's facebook page, loved it so much.  wish i knew the source.

if i'm being honest, i kind of feel like i'm hanging on by a very thin thread sometimes.  in those moments where both babies are crying, and someone has to just sit there and cry because the other one is being taken care of, i can barely take it.  while i am happily married to my best friend, he has been away since april and it hasn't been the easiest 4 months of my life.  it hasn't been the hardest either though.  but a lot of the time i feel like a single mom, doing everything on my own.  it is my job to basically do everything (discipline, kiss, hug, pick up, put down, give baths, feed, cuddle, chase, put to bed, teach, read... i mean the list is endless), and almost always i'm happy to do it because i love my girls and i love being a mom.  i really do.  but sometimes i feel really tired and feel like i've lost the ability to have any alone time... and sometimes i don't want that alone time to be at 9:00 pm.  i want to go shopping for 2 hours in the middle of the day, get a pedicure, take my time... how selfish of me to want that, right?  wrong.  i think that's healthy to do for yourself, a necessity.  just hasn't happened very often in the last little while which is totally okay because sacrifice is necessary when you're making big transitions in your life (which we are)... but i think i'm feeling the effects of missing that time.

there were three people crying in my house today: goldie, annie, and me.  i am trying to figure out goldie's developing personality, which still includes being absolutely hilarious, helpful, funny, kind, kissy, loveable, adventurous, sweet, good, and curious.  but there are new little traits that have come out of no where, and i totally expected them to come eventually, but they seem to be in full force right now.  throwing food on the floor after i have asked her not to.  i mean, she will look at me straight in the eye, hold her arm straight out to the side, and drop a piece of avocado.  it's like she's mocking me.  and for some reason nothing makes me crazier. my blood starts to boil and it takes everything inside of me not to lash out.  i have never felt so hostile.  okay that sounds bad, i'm not hostile.  i guess a better word would be impatient. must look at the positive though: she always picks it up when i ask her to.  anyway. then she'll hit, me and annie, out of no where and won't stop.  she is also into throwing things.  and climbing when i ask her not to.  i think what it all boils down to is that she's not being the best listener, and i KNOW she is very young and still learning.  but it's still hard.  she has also started this weird whining thing. oh goldie. but in the end, goldie is still my girl.  sweet and fun and totally entertaining.  to her credit, she is a very good big sister to annie.  always wiping her mouth, wiping her bum when it's time to change the diaper, giving kisses and hugs, worrying about her when she cries saying "shh shh shh." i just need to come to terms with the fact that goldie is close to being two years old and she's learning to express herself.  i need to be excited about this... what a blessing that she wants to express herself and learn more about the world around her.

i've talked about this before where i have had a life-long struggle with patience.  it has been a huge work in progress for me and i've gone leaps and bounds with it, especially in this past year.  but like i said earlier, in those moments where there is so much noise (crying mostly) and too much going on and then i realize that i am literally by myself... it takes me over the edge occasionally.  it gets old having to be the one to say "no" over and over, and then try to make up for it because i feel bad for raising my voice.  i have said this out loud to myself at least 10 times today: "i can do hard things."  being a mom is not easy, and a temporary single-mom at that is even harder.  i have so much respect for people who do this alone. i can do it though, and i want to.  it's just a lot after you've packed up your entire house and left the home you brought both your babies home to, moved across the country away from your husband and all of your belongings, finally get settled and into a nice routine only to pick up and move back across to the opposite side of the country, then you're unpacking and trying to get settled all while making sure your children are happy, safe, and feel secure in their surroundings.  it's a big adjustment and a lot of work on my part.  sometimes people forget about the little annoying details, like getting all of the utilities set up for the new house, filing damage claims with the moving company (we had more damage than i ever expected), figuring out how to properly recycle (sounds dumb, but utah doesn't recycle so it's kind of new to me), blah blah the list goes on.  sometimes it's not fun being a grownup.  i know jake would give anything to be with us, and he will be for good in a just a few weeks here (thank goodness!).  he is doing his part and i am doing mine, and we agreed this would be okay and it is okay.  i guess i just needed to vent about the moments that feel very suffocating to me.  i have my weaknesses and i'm not proud of them, but i really do work on them every single day.  when i feel my anxiety level rise with the crying babies, i just stop what i'm doing, take a deep breath and remember what it means to me to have them both.  i also pray really hard to keep composure.

it's funny.  we give my mom a hard time sometimes about how she used to get upset over the fact that we'd accidentally spill milk on the table.  i never understood why that would push her over the edge when we were growing up.  it didn't always happen, but i remember the little things would upset her.  i totally get it now.  my mom basically raised us by herself because my dad traveled a lot for work when we were younger.  she did it all-- clothed us, disciplined us, loved us, changed us, played with us, kissed us, bathed us... i mean she did everything required of a good mom.  and she went above and beyond most of the time.  we always had family nights on monday evenings, we always said our prayers.  but when i think about the spilled milk, all of a sudden i completely understand and sympathize with her.  of course she would get upset about it.  she had been going going going all day long.  she hadn't had a break.  we were three needy girls and she was at our every beck and call, not to mention she'd be doing side jobs to earn extra money for our family.  the last thing she wanted to do was clean up spilled milk.  well mom, I GET IT.  i totally get it.  and i'm sorry for giving you a hard time about it!  you can laugh at me, because guess who's in the thick of it now?  the circle of life: a beautiful, depressing thing.  kidding.

both of my girls are taking a nap and it's time for me to go enjoy the silence and be productive.  i feel better, as i always do, after writing all this out.  we all go through our individual refiner's fires every once in awhile, some are worse than others depending on life's situations.  i'm going through my own right now, but i can feel it getting easier and i can feel us adjusting to this new life in california.  simply can't wait for jake to come home to us.  it's just better all the way around when he's here.  

hope you're having a great day.  the second half of my day is going to be awesome.