01 August 2011

what you don't see, part 2.



remember this post?  i was thinking about that today and i'm realizing that now, more than ever, i am having these moments where i am so thankful nobody can see me.  i feel like i'm pretty honest on this blog, you know?  i tell it like it is, and i divulge information that is personal enough for you to know the real me on a real day, whether it's a great day or a crap day.

what you don't see is me gritting my teeth and my heart-rate rising through the roof as goldie throws her food on the floor after i've told her not to.  oh, and she's smiling while she does it by the way.  what you don't see is me saying the s-word one too many times throughout the day.  what you don't see is me weighing myself every morning, hoping that i'm at least maintaining my weight loss.  i find myself thinking about that way too much.  what you don't see is me almost in tears filled with frustration when annie is so distracted that she won't eat.  what you don't see is me debating whether or not to stop nursing her and that even the thought of it makes me feel guilty.  what you don't see is me screaming into a pillow because i am feeling tired and useless and impatient.  what you don't see is me sitting on the shower floor because it's just easier than standing.  what you don't see is me being an occasional zombie, scooping my kids up and plopping them down in front of one too many episodes of sesame street. what you don't see is me feeling completely all over the place, not able to gather my thoughts and not able to adequately explain how i feel about anything.

however... there is always the other perspective...

what you don't see is me kissing annie over and over again at night because i can't stop myself from snuggling in her yummy rolls.  what you don't see is me holding annie in one arm and goldie in the other, every morning, down 2 flights of stairs.  what you don't see is me praying constantly for patience when goldie hits annie or tries to kick her in the head because she thinks it's funny.  what you don't see is me singing "twinkle twinkle littler star" 25 times a day and reading the book "i'm a big sister now" at least 10.  what you don't see is me trying my hardest to teach goldie what it means to clean up after herself. what you don't see is goldie splashing me from the bathtub and me not thinking twice about it.  what you don't see is goldie spinning and spinning and me laughing at her getting dizzy, telling her to be careful while she plops on the floor laughing.  what you don't see is me feeling very thankful when annie is laughing at goldie running in circles.  what you don't see is the millions of hugs, kisses, squeezes, snuggles, tickles, and smiles that happen every single day.

what you don't see is a mother in a constant state of prayer, trying to be better, trying to understand herself a little more and accept her weaknesses.  what you don't see is desperation to love her kids unconditionally, even when she wants to throw them across the room.  what you don't see is a mother and a wife who is feeling a little lonely, missing the one and only and wishing for september to come sooner.  what you don't see is a wife and mother who sometimes just wants to be completely and utterly alone, in silence, doing nothing but sitting and maybe sleeping.  what you don't see is a mother, who above all else, feels thankful...ever so thankful, to be who she is and to be the mother of her particular children and the wife to her particular husband.  

that thought keeps me going, my friends.  it really does, especially today when i can feel myself falling into some sort of sickness (sore throat, stuffy nose...) and not getting enough sleep.  but i've made a decision at this exact moment to get myself together, take a shower, brush my teeth, put on some clothes and prepare for the rest of the day: a visit from a friend, a trip to whole foods and making a healthy dinner for my chickens.  i can at least do that, right?

have a great day.

7 comments:

Samara Staker said...

I love your honesty Jenna, you are amazing.

eclaires said...

Sending you some more love today. :)

Nila said...

What you've just described could have been written by just about any other responsible, loving person who decided to become a mother. I've lived your life - 5 babies in 8 years - I hear your frustrations and joy. Your ambivalence is normal, honey - any woman with children who denies the negatives and owns only the happy of mothering is either lying or completely out of touch with reality. The trick is to revel in the good times, and learn from the hard times. You're doing a great job of wife-and-mothering.

Stephanie said...

Such an amazing blog post...this is the truth of motherhood. Awesome. :)

holtkamp said...

love you jenna! i've never heard anyone describe the ups and downs of motherhood so well. can't wait for your big move and that you can be with your hubby again!

jenn said...

and what you dont see....is that weve ALL been there and are living it with you! you just have the balls to blog about it! i think you are amazing!
im about to have #2, and finley is just now 18 months....if i can be half the mother you are, i think i will be doing good!

Michelle said...

beautifully said. :)