21 September 2011


i should be asleep right now but my mind is wandering and wandering.  i had a conversation tonight with my friend ani, who lost ruby just over a month ago.  we relate on a level where we've both lost a child (children), except hers is a much harder and much more of a real situation. she held her baby in her arms.  she knew her baby.  she kissed, cuddled, listened, nursed, and physically loved her baby.  even through all the hurt that she is feeling and will probably feel for a long time, she still sympathizes with me about my twins that i lost so long ago.  it means a lot to me.  she will explain to me how she is feeling about certain things, and the feelings are all too familiar.  my mind starts to open up and i remember the heartache, the anger, the confusion, the hurt, the feeling of wanting to disappear.  it all comes to the surface through these conversations, and in that very small and brief moment, i have a glimpse of what my friend is feeling.

i've been thinking about those twins lately, i don't know why. 

this is the only picture i have of them, both alive and well here.  some might think that i lost them early and that it wouldn't be so painful.  but i was 16 weeks.  my water broke.  my body went into labor.  i delivered them in our first apartment, alone... broken and alone.

i was so young.  i feel like a completely different person than i was then.

those dark memories have been pushed from my mind for so long, and all of a sudden they are popping back up here and there.  i remember the excitement and the fear when we saw two little babes in my belly.  i remember that no one believed us-- our entire family thought we were lying.  "no, listen we are being dead serious.  there are two babies in there!"  i remember telling people that i was pregnant when i was only 6 weeks along... my how i have learned my lesson with that one.  i remember when we found out that we had lost one of them and i had never felt such anguish in my entire life.  i literally could not stop crying from the moment our awful doctor in DC said, "well, looks like this one has expired."  we didn't even know what he meant by that. he handed me a box of tissues and that was that.  i think i cried for 3 days... i remember laying in bed midday with jake, both of us with our heads close and just crying for something so special that we had lost.  we'd never felt that before, you know?  we were so young, just married, surprise pregnancy, excitement, then sudden sadness.  at least we still had the other one.  but that didn't last too much longer.. and then it all happened.  the story that i don't think i've ever publicly told on here in detail and one that i probably won't for awhile.  it's just kind of really personal...and still kind of painful.  i miss those twins but i have my girls, and they bring me so much happiness and fulfillment that the feeling of loss has sort of dissipated.

i watch annie and goldie interact and the calm i feel is indescribable.  i just feel thankful that i have the two of them, who i have always thought were my little twins.  but now i'm not so sure.  sometimes i feel like they are still up there, waiting to come back down.  or maybe not.  maybe they had their time in my womb and that was that.  i hope not though.  i hope they get a second chance.  some would call me crazy, but i still hope for those twins one day... not any day soon, mind you.  but when the time comes for us to expand our family again, i wouldn't be surprised one bit if twins show up.  i'm trying not to hope for it because then it won't happen.  i'm simply saying that i wouldn't be surprised. and i wouldn't be sad about it.

i watched this video again tonight... i had forgotten about it.  i just love these little twin boys-- they crack me up the way they move their hands and tilt their heads.  they are having serious conversation.  anyway, maybe one day i'll experience this.  if not, that is totally okay and i accept it happily.  

but there always is that chance.  and i'd be lying if i said i don't hope for it.


Angela and Mike said...

Oh Jenna. What emotions you must've gone through and STILL go through. That is not something you can just GET over. And just because you didn't hold them in your arms, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I think of you often when I'm going through hard times. Hard things in life happen. Really hard things. Although I don't like the really hard things, they sure do make me appreciate all the little things and give me good perspective.

Valerie said...

Jenna, I also delivered a little 14wk baby at home alone the week after we got back home from Orlando. It is so hard and I know how you feel missing them and hoping for them. I am sorry you've experienced it too, no one should ever have to, but I am so glad you've got two little blessings,who are very cute!

Rachel said...

Oh my goodness. I didn't know that you had to deliver one of them alone. I agree with the previous comments--your experience is different from Ani's but I don't think less painful. My miscarriage was only at six weeks...it doesn't even compare to what you went through. But I still felt loss. You are such a great mommy to your girls. Seriously, I can feel the love you have for them emanating from your words and images on this blog. Just keep up hope, but know it's ok to mourn sometimes too.

party of four said...

I'm a blog stalker and I check your blog often because I love how real you are about parenting...and about life in general. Ever since I read this post I cannot stop thinking about you and your twin babies. I seriously can't even imagine what you went through, and I'm so sorry that you had to do it all alone. What a blessing to have your two sweet girls who are so close in age...they are just the cutest!

LoAnn said...

Jenna. You will always mourn for the babies. It was a loss and we always grieve for someone we have lost no matter how long they were in our lives. Just know that Heavenly Father is aware of your feelings and will do what is best for you. You are sooooo strong and an inspiration to us all.