birdies.

i should be asleep right now but my mind is wandering and wandering.  i had a conversation tonight with my friend ani, who lost ruby just over a month ago.  we relate on a level where we've both lost a child (children), except hers is a much harder and much more of a real situation. she held her baby in her arms.  she knew her baby.  she kissed, cuddled, listened, nursed, and physically loved her baby.  even through all the hurt that she is feeling and will probably feel for a long time, she still sympathizes with me about my twins that i lost so long ago.  it means a lot to me.  she will explain to me how she is feeling about certain things, and the feelings are all too familiar.  my mind starts to open up and i remember the heartache, the anger, the confusion, the hurt, the feeling of wanting to disappear.  it all comes to the surface through these conversations, and in that very small and brief moment, i have a glimpse of what my friend is feeling.

i've been thinking about those twins lately, i don't know why. 

this is the only picture i have of them, both alive and well here.  some might think that i lost them early and that it wouldn't be so painful.  but i was 16 weeks.  my water broke.  my body went into labor.  i delivered them in our first apartment, alone... broken and alone.

i was so young.  i feel like a completely different person than i was then.

those dark memories have been pushed from my mind for so long, and all of a sudden they are popping back up here and there.  i remember the excitement and the fear when we saw two little babes in my belly.  i remember that no one believed us-- our entire family thought we were lying.  "no, listen we are being dead serious.  there are two babies in there!"  i remember telling people that i was pregnant when i was only 6 weeks along... my how i have learned my lesson with that one.  i remember when we found out that we had lost one of them and i had never felt such anguish in my entire life.  i literally could not stop crying from the moment our awful doctor in DC said, "well, looks like this one has expired."  we didn't even know what he meant by that. he handed me a box of tissues and that was that.  i think i cried for 3 days... i remember laying in bed midday with jake, both of us with our heads close and just crying for something so special that we had lost.  we'd never felt that before, you know?  we were so young, just married, surprise pregnancy, excitement, then sudden sadness.  at least we still had the other one.  but that didn't last too much longer.. and then it all happened.  the story that i don't think i've ever publicly told on here in detail and one that i probably won't for awhile.  it's just kind of really personal...and still kind of painful.  i miss those twins but i have my girls, and they bring me so much happiness and fulfillment that the feeling of loss has sort of dissipated.

i watch annie and goldie interact and the calm i feel is indescribable.  i just feel thankful that i have the two of them, who i have always thought were my little twins.  but now i'm not so sure.  sometimes i feel like they are still up there, waiting to come back down.  or maybe not.  maybe they had their time in my womb and that was that.  i hope not though.  i hope they get a second chance.  some would call me crazy, but i still hope for those twins one day... not any day soon, mind you.  but when the time comes for us to expand our family again, i wouldn't be surprised one bit if twins show up.  i'm trying not to hope for it because then it won't happen.  i'm simply saying that i wouldn't be surprised. and i wouldn't be sad about it.

i watched this video again tonight... i had forgotten about it.  i just love these little twin boys-- they crack me up the way they move their hands and tilt their heads.  they are having serious conversation.  anyway, maybe one day i'll experience this.  if not, that is totally okay and i accept it happily.  

but there always is that chance.  and i'd be lying if i said i don't hope for it.