for some reason when i look at this painting, it makes me want to lay in grass.
goldie likes to lay in grass and close her eyes. annie likes to touch grass with her little chubby hands...
i think parenthood and motherhood are two different things, don't you? motherhood seems to be more teaching, loving, cuddling, kissing, holding, hugging, nuzzling, feeding, playing, laughing, chasing, pick-me-uping, bathing, singing, dancing... every gerund you can think of really. parenthood seems to be more of the team effort, at least in my home, and it involves some disciplining, some patience, planning... i feel like financial, medical... all the business stuff falls into that category. i got motherhood covered. but as far as parenthood is going... that's a different story.
i don't know what is going on in this house, but someone has taken my sweet children and replaced them with whiny little girls. goldie is in this tantrum phase and i hate it. i don't like the word "hate" and i try not to use it a lot, but seriously, i can only take so much. she whines and cries about everything these days and it is causing me to freak out on a daily basis. maybe i just don't have the patience for it... but what i really think is happening is that i'm not used to seeing her act like this and it's making me sad. she ran into the kitchen today while i was unloading the dishwasher. she reached in, grabbed a butter knife and started to run away (she knows it's naughty). so while she was spinning and trying to do a little dance with this swinging knife in the air, i very quickly and very gently, mind you, took it from her hand and started to dance along with her. you know, act like nothing happened. well, she's smart and it didn't work. before i even realize what's happening, she is arching backwards with her sweet little contorted face in the air, screaming and turning bright red. she flops on the floor and proceeds to put her face down against the tile and cry really hard. i've taken things away from her in the past and it was no big deal, but not today. wow. so i don't react because i know that's what she wants. instead i repeat to myself 6,000 times, "i can do hard things. i can do hard things." annie is teething and while that was not a big deal for goldie, it is for my anita. she doesn't like pain, i've decided. i mean who does, it's understandable. but she will whine until the cows come home unless i pick her up and do something about it. when they are both whining and crying at the same time... that's when it happens.
i get very tense inside. i feel like my walls crumble and everything goes blurry for a second. i want to melt away and disappear and sit in a silent room by myself with no one screaming or touching me. isn't that horrible? but really, when it's all happening at once, things get really hard for me. i've never been a patient person, we all know this... i've talked about it a lot on here. but i really feel like i've gotten better in the past few years, only because i make a very conscious effort to work on it. but the past few days, i have lost my patience and i feel so ashamed about it. i know i'm not the perfect mother and i know i'm not the only mom in the world who all of a sudden yells, "ALRIGHT EVERYBODY STOP!!!" and her kids look at her like... woah. what is happening to mom. that may have happened today. but seriously, i wish i could just not let it get to me. i wish i could tune it out and find a happy place, but i don't think that's my personality. i love my children so much, this is obvious. but freak, when goldie throws a piece of the wooden watermelon at annie's head, i'm going to get mad and discipline her and put her in a time out. and she's not going to be happy about it and i'm going to be sad that i have to be stern and mean to her for a second in order for her to get it through her tiny, but thick little skull that we don't throw hard things...or any things for that matter, at annie. or anyone.
parenthood. i'd rather just be mom. jake says i just can't let them win... that made me laugh out loud. it's amazing, you wouldn't believe it. but when he lets me sleep in a little (he does this often, bless his heart... but it only last until about 9 when goldie comes crashing through the door yelling for me. i secretly love that she wakes me up like that though), the girls are like perfect for him. no whining, no crying... just playing and all smiles and giggles. then i come in and for some reason the whining starts. jake and i are dumbfounded. it's not like i'm the only one who disciplines. goldie gets an ear-full from jake when she throws her food. but seriously, i walk into the room and everyone is happy to see me but the whining starts and jake's like, "seriously they've been totally happy. i don't get it."
someone want to explain that to me? is it because i'm the one around all day so they associate me with being the person to whine and cry to? if that's the case, then that sucks.
anyway, today was kind of a hard day in that regard. tomorrow i hope will be better. we've got a birthday part to attend, so maybe goldie will get all her energy out and take a good, long nap afterwards. i think she needs it. i simply don't want to be remembered as the mother who yelled a lot and was caught screaming into pillows by her children. i really, really don't want that to be me. so i have got to change something.
i do pick and choose my battles, at least. there is currently pink crayon on the wall next to goldie's door. i got over that very fast. see? progress.
oh, there's always tomorrow. but what if for some reason tomorrow doesn't happen? i will regret how today went. and then i'll be sad. so... i just have to make every day count. every day can be good, even great. there will be hard times and bad moments maybe, but the day itself can be good.
and really, usually almost everyday i feel very, very happy. and so do my girls.
plus who can stay upset with these two?
|i still owe annie her 7-month old post. look at that face.|
|yes, that's duct tape on her shoes. pumpkin patch post to come!|
i wish i drank coffee. that might help. ha. goodnight.