08 October 2011

fields.

for some reason when i look at this painting, it makes me want to lay in grass.

goldie likes to lay in grass and close her eyes. annie likes to touch grass with her little chubby hands...

i think parenthood and motherhood are two different things, don't you? motherhood seems to be more teaching, loving, cuddling, kissing, holding, hugging, nuzzling, feeding, playing, laughing, chasing, pick-me-uping, bathing, singing, dancing... every gerund you can think of really.  parenthood seems to be more of the team effort, at least in my home, and it involves some disciplining, some patience, planning... i feel like financial, medical... all the business stuff falls into that category.  i got motherhood covered.  but as far as parenthood is going... that's a different story.

i don't know what is going on in this house, but someone has taken my sweet children and replaced them with whiny little girls. goldie is in this tantrum phase and i hate it.  i don't like the word "hate" and i try not to use it a lot, but seriously, i can only take so much.  she whines and cries about everything these days and it is causing me to freak out on a daily basis.  maybe i just don't have the patience for it... but what i really think is happening is that i'm not used to seeing her act like this and it's making me sad. she ran into the kitchen today while i was unloading the dishwasher. she reached in, grabbed a butter knife and started to run away (she knows it's naughty).  so while she was spinning and trying to do a little dance with this swinging knife in the air, i very quickly and very gently, mind you, took it from her hand and started to dance along with her. you know, act like nothing happened.  well, she's smart and it didn't work. before i even realize what's happening, she is arching backwards with her sweet little contorted face in the air, screaming and turning bright red. she flops on the floor and proceeds to put her face down against the tile and cry really hard.  i've taken things away from her in the past and it was no big deal, but not today. wow. so i don't react because i know that's what she wants. instead i repeat to myself 6,000 times, "i can do hard things. i can do hard things." annie is teething and while that was not a big deal for goldie, it is for my anita. she doesn't like pain, i've decided. i mean who does, it's understandable. but she will whine until the cows come home unless i pick her up and do something about it. when they are both whining and crying at the same time... that's when it happens.

i get very tense inside.  i feel like my walls crumble and everything goes blurry for a second. i want to melt away and disappear and sit in a silent room by myself with no one screaming or touching me. isn't that horrible? but really, when it's all happening at once, things get really hard for me. i've never been a patient person, we all know this... i've talked about it a lot on here. but i really feel like i've gotten better in the past few years, only because i make a very conscious effort to work on it. but the past few days, i have lost my patience and i feel so ashamed about it. i know i'm not the perfect mother and i know i'm not the only mom in the world who all of a sudden yells, "ALRIGHT EVERYBODY STOP!!!" and her kids look at her like... woah. what is happening to mom. that may have happened today. but seriously, i wish i could just not let it get to me.  i wish i could tune it out and find a happy place, but i don't think that's my personality. i love my children so much, this is obvious. but freak, when goldie throws a piece of the wooden watermelon at annie's head, i'm going to get mad and discipline her and put her in a time out.  and she's not going to be happy about it and i'm going to be sad that i have to be stern and mean to her for a second in order for her to get it through her tiny, but thick little skull that we don't throw hard things...or any things for that matter, at annie.  or anyone.


parenthood. i'd rather just be mom. jake says i just can't let them win... that made me laugh out loud. it's amazing, you wouldn't believe it. but when he lets me sleep in a little (he does this often, bless his heart... but it only last until about 9 when goldie comes crashing through the door yelling for me. i secretly love that she wakes me up like that though), the girls are like perfect for him. no whining, no crying... just playing and all smiles and giggles. then i come in and for some reason the whining starts. jake and i are dumbfounded.  it's not like i'm the only one who disciplines. goldie gets an ear-full from jake when she throws her food. but seriously, i walk into the room and everyone is happy to see me but the whining starts and jake's like, "seriously they've been totally happy. i don't get it."

me neither.

someone want to explain that to me?  is it because i'm the one around all day so they associate me with being the person to whine and cry to? if that's the case, then that sucks.

anyway, today was kind of a hard day in that regard. tomorrow i hope will be better. we've got a birthday part to attend, so maybe goldie will get all her energy out and take a good, long nap afterwards. i think she needs it. i simply don't want to be remembered as the mother who yelled a lot and was caught screaming into pillows by her children. i really, really don't want that to be me. so i have got to change something

i do pick and choose my battles, at least. there is currently pink crayon on the wall next to goldie's door. i got over that very fast. see? progress.

oh, there's always tomorrow. but what if for some reason tomorrow doesn't happen? i will regret how today went. and then i'll be sad. so... i just have to make every day count. every day can be good, even great. there will be hard times and bad moments maybe, but the day itself can be good.

and really, usually almost everyday i feel very, very happy. and so do my girls.
plus who can stay upset with these two?

i still owe annie her 7-month old post. look at that face.

yes, that's duct tape on her shoes. pumpkin patch post to come!


i wish i drank coffee.  that might help.  ha.  goodnight.


7 comments:

Taylor said...

Jenna, you've been spying on me again. I swear this is my life, and with just one kid too! I'm in for it when a second one comes along. Seriously though, Blakely does the same thing~ perfect little angel for Jeff, whiny and needy with me. WHY???
I miss you and your girls. I feel like I can relate to you so much right now!

Joseph and Katie said...

The angel children for Joe, and monsters for me.... Totally relate. It happens the second I walk back into the room! They won't remember the time outs, seriously. Or the freak outs. We all have them. They'll remember that you loved them enough to teach them right from wrong. That's what matters. Keep up the good work!

Rachel said...

Syd does the same thing with me...she pushes the boundaries. The other day my mom babysat her and she was a perfect angel, listening to her when she told her no, etc. Then I come home and it's a different story. My mom says that when you're the mom, your kids see you as a safety net. They know that they can push the boundaries and you will still love them. So...I guess that's good and bad. I want my kids to see me as a safety net, but not someone they can push boundaries with. *sigh* Good luck to both of us!

The Dschaaks said...

My goodness this is EXACTLY what I am feeling right now. Emma and I are in the same phase of life and I just keep telling myself exactly that, "it's just a phase". It must be something with little girls and their dads. Emma is an ANGEL with him and it KILLS me. We will get through it, right?

Marin said...

Jenna, I echo everything that other people have said. My boys do the EXACT same thing. They've also been super hard lately. Everything with my oldest is so hard- he throws tantrums with everything. EVERYTHING. My baby is teething, has a horrible diaper rash... it's so not fun. They whine and whine all day long, and as soon as daddy comes home, they stop. Frustrating. Anyway, just know you're not alone!

Michelle said...

our kids just know us too well. It's crazy. They are here to drive us totally crazy....but to teach us about love too. funny how the same little people can teach us so many different things! by the way, I LOVED your coffee comment. I agree 1000% , yes, I meant to type 1000%

michael. mindy. dane. said...

jenna. my little boy is a month or so younger than goldie, and he is doing this same thing--screaming and throwing fits about ridiculous things. his grandpa taught him how to pull a chair over to the kitchen sink and play in the water.no big deal, right? but then he decided that he should do it all day ever day. i kept telling myself it was water and not a big deal, but sometimes it just can't happen. some minutes i need him to be dry or i need to be doing the dishes myself or whatever else. so we put a stop to it. and the fits he threw about it were unREAL. anyway. i guess my point is just that you're not alone. i keep racking my brain for how to solve the fits. with the water thing, we've jsut stayed consistent with saying no, and now he asks for it maybe once a day, and when we say no, he goes to find another toy. but that doesn't happen with everything. there is still stuff he does that he knows he shouldn't and then throws a fit. anyway. i don't know what my point is. i guess it is good to read about this for me because it reminds me that all kids go through this and we just have to work through it and stay constant and patient. which is hard. i'm not trying to be advice-giver. ha. like i know anything. i'm just saying i feel ya.