24 September 2012


i should be working, but instead i want to write down some thoughts about my children.

being a mother is hard. let me say that again. being a mother is hard. much harder than i ever anticipated. there are days where i feel like i wake up at 7 and don't stop moving until i get in bed at 11. i was chatting with a friend today and we were talking about how there aren't enough hours in the day to get all the things done that we need to get done. i used to hear people say that before i had kids, and i never understood it. i had so much free time back then, it almost makes me laugh. now i get it, and i understand it to the fullest.

i like being busy though-- i like feeling like i have a major purpose and that people need my love, attention, and support. it makes me feel whole, and feeling whole is a much greater feeling than having some extra free time on my hands. i was thinking earlier this morning about what relief feels like. it's actually kind of funny how the thought came to my mind... i guess i'll share it. i was thinking about the beauty of relief-- that wave that flows over your shoulders and washes away worry and anticipation and anxiety. sometimes relief isn't welcome, because you don't want to be dealing with a stressful situation in the first place before that wonderful flush of relief can happen, you know what i'm saying? it doesn't have to be that dramatic though. it was a busy morning, running around, cleaning up, changing diapers, taking goldie to the potty 6 million times because she had to "poop", making breakfast, doing dishes, etc. all of a sudden, i realized i had to go to the bathroom so bad. like to the point where i almost didn't make it in time (ahhh, the bladder after babies. so much fun). and after i went, i felt that relief. and that's how all these thoughts started, so there's the story. all of a sudden, i was daydreaming like i was on inside the actor's studio (i know.. don't ask) and i was being asked all of these questions. suddenly, the interviewer asked me what brings me relief. i said, "going pee after holding it for a very long time." the audience chuckles and i smile. then i say, "you're wanting a more serious answer, aren't you." he nods. i think for a minute and i say, "honestly, what brings me the most relief is being able to get into my warm bed at the end of the day knowing that i did all that i could to be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good person that day. i did my best, which is all i can do. relief is knowing that my two little girls are happy and safe and healthy in their beds, snuggled up with their blankies and babies and hopefully having good dreams. relief is knowing that i have a good man next to me. those things bring me the most relief every day." a silly day dream, but prophetic as well. that is my true answer at the end of the day- we have everything we need, and what we have is enough. sure, i'd love to go shopping and get all the clothes that i pin on my pinterest. sure i'd love to travel and do this or that. but i have a happy, calm, simple little life.

that is more than enough for me.

goldie and annie are growing up so fast, and i'm actually having a lot of fun with it. my "baby" is almost 19 months old and she is saying words, running, jumping, climbing, and laughing all the time. not so baby anymore. goldie doesn't wear diapers, but instead runs around in big girl princess underwear. she says things to me like, "relax mom. just relax." she's a good big sister to annie, most of the time. they just keep growing and learning and it's pretty cool to watch the circle of life happening right before my eyes. i'll be 28 soon... an age that has always stood out in my mind for some reason. what will my 28th year be like? who will i become? how will i improve? or will i go spiraling downwards? you never know what life will throw at you, but for now i am basking in my blessings, knowing that they generously come from above, and feeling thankful for every moment. even the bad ones, but mostly the good ones.

have a great monday night.

{photos from "lately"}


Zane + Nichole said...

your girls wear the cutest clothes!

(and sorry that seems like such a fluff comment after you deep post but hey, they really do!) :)

holtkamp said...

love this post, i cannot believe how 'old' goldie looks! crazy! being a mom is much harder than i thought and in ways i never thought and you are definitely super mom. thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's something we all need. -jen

SJ said...

Love you so much. Your family is so beautiful.

Aarean Jergensen said...

touche. hard but worth it. you're a good mama.