motherhood is sometimes a really difficult thing for me. it's a really odd to me that i've dreamed my entire life of being a mother, something that truly means everything to me, only to realize that a lot of the times i'm not very good at it. i don't write this for anyone to comment and tell me that i'm a great mom, blah blah. i write this in a moment of true, hardcore honesty. my saturday morning has not started the way that i wanted it to. my children don't listen. i know they are young, but they don't listen. there are moments where i think, "if i have to hear myself say that same phrase one more time, i'm going to lose it." i feel like i am constantly repeating myself, same punishments, same tactics, and while most of the time my girls are sweet and fun, they can be a handful. so much a handful that i think, "i'd like to be done having children because i'm not sure if i could do anymore than this." i find myself in the darkness of my closet a lot, crying and apologizing to heavenly father for how i have just yelled so loudly at my little 2 1/2 year old. i find myself pleading constantly for help, for betterment, for peace, for the ability to be patient (something i have struggled with for so long now). isn't it weird how you love someone so fiercely that you almost don't even understand the magnitude of it all? i would do anything for my two girls. i want them to be happy and healthy and have everything they need, and sometimes anything they want :) it feels like i keep relapsing into impatience.
i spent a good amount of time on my knees this morning while jake took the girls outside to play in the rain. i prayed and cried and asked for help because i am feeling so frustrated with motherhood. i know i am too hard on myself, i know that. but i can't help that i simply know i can be better, and i want to be better, but i just don't know how. and that is very frustrating. it's quiet outside, gray, and a little bit windy. one of my favorite fall sounds is listening to the geese fly overhead as they head somewhere south while we're all stuck here where it's cold and gloomy. i hear a train in the distance, and for some reason that makes me feel better. these are the sounds i listened to as i waited for peace after my prayer. being a mother is hard, and it's hard because it's a sacred calling. it's a privilege, one that i am so very grateful for. it is also lot of work, and it's tiring. but i'll tell you this, nothing makes me happier than waking up to two snugly girls who give me kisses and want to be held by ME. their mother. their everything. so in those dark moments where i tell myself that i'm not good enough, that i don't have it in me, that i am too weak and impatient to do this most holy calling, i remember that annie jane and goldie jean need, want, and love ME. i am theirs, and they chose me to be theirs a long time before this earth was even created. i will be theirs forever, and that knowledge alone helps me through those times of self-belittlement.
i can do this because my love for them overpowers the cunning and sly ways of satan, who is constantly working to bring me down and to pour self-doubt into my mind. well, good luck sir. you're not getting to me anymore. for i am a mother, and i have the power of heaven on my side.
"When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, 'pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,' that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you. You can't possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you--He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest efforts, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be."
-Jeffrey R. Holland, "Because She Is a Mother,", Ensign, May 1997, 35