i've learned some important lessons in the past few days. i'd be lying if i said that being away from my husband is easy. it is not. i knew it wouldn't be, and i was prepared for that... but until that person leaves your side for awhile, you don't realize how much you need/love/want/have to have them. i miss jake. my girls miss jake. but alas, life must go on and it will all be worth it in september. i know this, otherwise i wouldn't allow it to happen at all.
i'm learning to be independent again-- i've always been the independent type, a free spirit if you will. i've always stood on the edge of the cliff and sometimes even jumped off, doing things that others weren't, taking the path less traveled, etc. i've always been okay on my own, been fine traveling alone, survived going through hard times alone... i've done a lot alone in my life. and i've found myself feeling that way again recently... alone. lonely. i had a pity party for a day or two, cried some tears... and finally got over it.
i had this epiphany two nights ago: i'm really hard on myself. i haven't always been that way, in fact i used to just let everything go and say, "oh well, try again next time." then after i lost the twins, something changed inside of me and i felt like i had to be perfect (only for myself) and do everything right. i would feel overcome with guilt if i made a mistake, and i'd feel like i was letting everyone down around me--including God, jake, family members. i look back now and feel sad about all the time i wasted coming down on myself. i have become this person who is obsessed with being better, which is not a bad thing at all. well, the obsessive part is. i constantly am striving to improve myself, whether it be becoming a better mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter... ugh the list goes on and on. soon enough i was only thinking about that and making a big deal out of things that were definitely NOT a big deal. it's almost like i would create drama within my circle of people (mostly between jake and i) because i would make a big deal out of something so teeny tiny. then i would feel guilty for doing so, then i'd come down on myself for it.... sick, sick cycle. well, the other night i finally decided that being that way is no way to live my life. i can't tell you how a light just went on in my head and i realized that this life is not meant to be spent feeling guilty and inadequate. seriously... god loves us too much to send us here to be miserable. i really believe that.
i used to be pretty relaxed and chill about things, and i still am sometimes. but for the most part, i get a little uptight or insecure or worried... and then i want to die because seriously, when did i become that person? it was never someone i wanted to be, and all this "striving to become better" has only turned me into someone i never wanted to be in the first place. i know jake better than anyone, and he knows me better than anyone. we know what makes each other mad. we know when to back off and when to push a little. i'm learning over and over again that life is better in my marriage and with my children... and in general really, when i can just relax and go with the flow and TRUST in the people and situations around me.
so, that's my new goal. i really just decided to be that way, and i swear i've had this crazy change of pace and heart and it's been such a better few days. i know who i am, i know where i come from, how i've been raised, what i believe in, and that is enough for me. i don't need to put on a show for anyone... i am what i am and what else can i do about it? sure, i'll make my efforts to do the little things that i know i need to work on, but when i fall and take a step back in the process of life, so what? move on, jenna. try again next time and be human, for crying out loud.
i feel good writing all this out. i have everything to be grateful for, including the knowledge that i know everything will be okay. i've got a lot of faith in that. just do your best, and i'll do mine, and we'll all be okay.
p.s. enjoy my new anthem in life.