04 April 2010

letting out a long sigh.

i feel like i have so much on my mind lately but i never know where to start my thoughts, or how to even write them for that matter. i used to be really good at writing. like, really good. now i feel like i've become a rambler who doesn't give a hoot about grammar and the like. ah, such is life. a few people in the past few months have said the exact same thing to me: "so jake told me the other day that he's never seen you happier." my friends, my husband is correct. i feel very happy in my life, and i have to give the credit to goldie, a good foundation to build my life upon, jacob max, working out, and weight watchers (yes, i'm serious). lately i've been feeling old, and not in a bad way. i can feel myself growing up; learning things and actually remembering the important lessons that come with the learning. i can feel myself changing: becoming a protective mother and wife, fighting for my family against the evils of the world. i can feel myself becoming, albeit slowly, the person that i've been working for years to become. the best part about that is that i've reached a few goals and i've set new ones, so i still have something to work for. ahh, life. it's all about the progression people. it's all about learning and growing and accepting yourself for who you are. i've learned to accept my body. i've learned to accept my weaknesses. i've learned to accept the fact that my house will never be spotless again. and i've learned to be okay with that (such progress, you have no idea). i've learned that i can love in a greater capacity than i ever thought possible. i've finally learned how to communicate my feelings to jake in a calm and sweet manner. man, that took a long time. i was watching conference today and one of my all-time favorite scriptures was mentioned: isaiah 64:8 "but now, o lord, thou art our father; we are the clay, and thou our potter; and we are the work of thy hand." i just can't stop thinking about that scripture, and i swear it's always been in the back of my mind. there is nothing more that i want than to be molded into the person god really wants and expects me to be. i've finally come to the point where i've learned that i am no where close to being perfect, but it's a beautiful feeling knowing that god loves me anyway. i am clay. he'll mold me, as long as i'm willing to be molded. i've learned to become clay... progress. just sat here thinking about that for a second. it's a big deal. i guess i just feel like the world often focuses so much on the bad. i know it's important to be aware of the negative things happening all around us. it is sad and it is disheartening. however, i am an optimist and i think that the good outweighs all the bad stuff going on. while my heart can feel hurt and pain about one thing, it can feel 10 times more joy and happiness about another. i've learned that it's all about perspective and attitude. jake's helped me a lot in that category. i love that man. anyway, i feel happy in my life because i've worked hard to get there. i know bad times will come again... hard things will always be around. but i've been through worse... way worse. and if i've conquered the things that have been thrown at me in the past, i can conquer anything. heavenly father and jesus christ are good to me. they have never left me. not once. i don't write these things to brag or to say that i'm all perfect now and can go on living happily ever after. this is hardly the case. i simply need to document the blessings that i feel because i am usually very quick to forget them. i can easily get bogged down, hurt, offended, and start to feel bad about myself. i have to remember that life throws you forwards and backwards, no matter what your circumstances are. figuring out who you really are is pretty rough. it takes patience. it takes confidence. it takes self-worth. and it takes a lot of molding... and i think i'll continue to be molded for the rest of my life, and even after. change is a good thing. i've learned to accept it, and i feel a little more whole because of it. sometimes you just have to let go, do your best, and know that your best is enough. it's late, and i should be sleeping. but i wanted to document. hope you're all having a beautiful weekend. see ya.

10 comments:

Karey said...

beautifully written, Jenna!

Whit said...

couldn't have said it better. beautifully said!

Whit said...

oops i was on my sisters computer...and she was logged on. this is aarean. haha

Jennie said...

I hear you...but:
please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please don't go on a diet until you're completely done breastfeeding. Please. Eat healthy, yes. Diet, no.

And for the record: http://theshapeofamother.com/
It should be required reading/looking for...everyone.

jake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jake and Jenna said...

i'm definitely NOT dieting. don't you worry. i eat plenty, just eat a lot smarter and healthier. my milk is at it's fullest!

Jennie said...

Glad to hear :) Not worried about your milk darlin', I know the kid'll get what she needs. I was worried about you! (And I'll let you in on a little secret: my youngest is 2.5 years, and I only recently feel like I'm close to back "my old self" bodywise and otherwise, but it's okay.)

abbie said...

what the 3 month old?? she is SO cute. love that isaiah scripture and have i talked to you about WW before? it is the bomb. i did it after olivia and i'm doing it now too.

sonna said...

beautiful happy writing jenna. inspirational!

love love love goldie. can't wait to squeeze her.

Michelle said...

like i've said so many times...i love your thoughts. You really are one of the most beautiful writers I've ever known. You just write, and I love it.